


Mint Chocolate Chip

by StayAliveFrens



Series: Mint Chocolate Chip Universe [1]
Category: Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Developing Relationship, Eventual Smut, M/M, Minor Character Death, Moving, Summer Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2019-11-18 01:18:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 73,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18110390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StayAliveFrens/pseuds/StayAliveFrens
Summary: Tyler's family moves from Columbus to Orlando. He fully plans to return to Ohio to continue his studies, but then he meets a pink-haired ice-cream guy that steals his heart.This story is already finished. It will have 14 chapters and will be updated twice a week.





	1. It's just a little bit warmer than you're used to up above

**Author's Note:**

> This A/N are going to be a bit long. You can ignore them if you want to.
> 
> So, I've finally written this. It took me way longer than I expected, but after almost three years of inconsistent writing, it's finally done.
> 
> Some info about the story: 14 chapters and just short of 75.000 words. Most chapters will have between 4000-6000 words. I will try to update twice a week (probably around Monday and Thursday, though my lab work schedule is pretty inconsistent, so I apologize if some updates happen to be a day late), because I still need to proofread everything.
> 
> I'm sorry for any grammatical/vocabulary mistakes, I'm not a native English speaker. I'm also sorry for any inconsistencies. I've been writing this over such a large time span that I forget what I've written before so maybe the timeline isn't exactly right. Honestly, there is probably so many plotholes that the plot is basically a net at this point. I also tried to do research when it comes to places and American systems, but ignored some of it for plot purposes. Hope you still enjoy the story.
> 
> This story is rated Explicit because of eventual smut. Additional warnings will be pointed out for certain chapters.  
> I'd like to thank StayAliveButDontKillYourMind, cousin, roommate and friend, for helping me find ideas and reading through some early drafts.
> 
> The chapter titles in this fanfiction are taken from different songs that I love. This chapter's song: Hell, Yeah by Nothing But Thieves.
> 
> Disclaimer: I love Jenna, Debby and Sarah and mean no disrespect. This is purely a work of fiction.

'Tyler, are you almost done? We're leaving soon,' Tyler's mother's voice echoes through the weirdly empty house. Tyler groans internally. He’s lying on a bare mattress, scrolling through his Instagram feed, looking at the pictures of him and his two friends that he's leaving behind now.

'I'll be down in a minute!' Tyler yells back and locks his phone with a sigh. They just have to move. Eighteen years he's lived in this house in suburbs of Columbus and now they're moving. To Orlando, Florida. He doesn't have anything against sun or seaside but all this commotion around moving is frustrating him. In two months he'll be back in Ohio, back for his second year of college and it seems kind of pointless packing everything in his room and moving it 800 miles just to bring it back a few weeks later. But his parents insisted they get there a few months before dad starts his new job and his siblings start school to settle down.

With a frown Tyler takes the last few boxes from the foot of his bed and looks around the empty room. The sky blue color of the walls looks almost dark now with barely any light coming through the blinds. He’s gonna miss it. There are a lot of memories in this room: messing around on the toy piano his mom bought him, staying up all night exchanging scary stories with his neighbor Jenna (and then not sleeping for a few days because of it), recording shitty rap lip syncing videos with his brother, trying weed for the first time because Brendon insisted...

'Tyler, we're leaving!' Tyler's dad yells out and Tyler hurries downstairs. It’s best not to cross his father.

Tyler hands the boxes with his junk to his father for him to carry to the moving van.

'Tyler, I know it's inconvenient, but I appreciate you coming with us. We need all the help we can get settling down. Think of it as a vacation. Florida's lovely this time of year,' Tyler's mother stops him in the doorway. She knows how Tyler feels about moving and Tyler knows how stressful it is for her, so he just smiles and nods.

'No worries, it'll be fun,' he adds to reassure her.

Tyler scramble into the minivan, his brothers already taking the middle sits, so he has to settle for the bench with Maddy, who already has her eyes closed trying to fall asleep. His mother follows soon after and the car starts moving. The moving van leaves the driveway right after them. Tyler's mother watches their house disappear behind them, tears glistening in the corners of her eyes. She sighs and finally tears her eyes away from the house and focuses on the road ahead.

They decided they'll try to sell the house once Tyler's back in Ohio so he can show the house to potential buyers. For now, they are just leaving it behind, focusing on settling down in the suburbs of Orlando.

'When are we getting there?' Jay asks, already bored, although they haven't even left Columbus yet.

'Fifteen hours,' his dad answers and Jay groans. It's gonna be a long ride.

\---

Tyler's phone buzzes loudly in the quiet of the night, filled only by the low hum of the engine driving on the interstate. Everybody else is sleeping, except for Tyler's dad, wheel in one hand and Redbull in the other. Soon, he'll wake his wife up so he can get some sleep.

Tyler checks the phone: 3.28 am and a message from Brendon. Somehow, these too things go well together.

Tyler reads the message: 'r u there yet? hows florida? when r u cming back?'

Tyler curses Brendon for waking him up, but he could never be angry at his best friend. No matter how much of a dickhead Brendon appears to be, he cares about Tyler and deep down he is actually a really good person.

'Not there yet. I'll text you when we get there. I'm coming back for college, but we'll facetime while I'm here' Tyler writes back.

He is gonna miss Brendon a lot while he's in Florida. Brendon is definitely his best friend, the one person who Tyler feels completely comfortable around, the one person who can give Tyler that a bit of confidence he so lacks, the one person who helped Tyler come to terms with his sexuality and Tyler is thankful for all of that. Brendon by his side made Tyler seem at least a little bit cool, their friendship so unlikely, a shy depressed kid and a loud rebellious stoner with ADHD, but they were both outcasts in a way, they were the lady and the tramp, coming from completely different backgrounds but somehow drawn to the same mentality, both needing each other's presence to be the best version of themselves. This is going to be the longest they'll be without each other since they became friends freshman year of high school.

'Brendon?' Tyler's father asks quietly, trying not to wake up the rest of the family. Tyler nods and finds his father's eyes in the rearview mirror. His father looks sad, but sympathetic.

'It's gonna be fine, you'll see him soon enough,' Tyler's father tries to console him. Tyler just nods again and with that their eye contact is broken and their conversation over.

Tyler's father was never one for conversations, he’s strict, but caring, words just aren't his forte so he leaves all the deep and emotional stuff for his wife. He was a coach at Tyler's high school, the main reason Worthington Warriors were dominating the court last few years, or so people said. Word got around and apparently found its way to Orlando. He was offered the position of coach assistant for Orlando Magic. He thought about declining — he would have to move halfway across the country — but the money they offered is so much better than his high school coach salary and the position has a lot of potential for climbing the ladder. It could be the stepping stone for his career. So now they're moving.

Zack is starting college this year at University of Central Florida. It's got a great sports program and Zack's got high chances of getting a basketball scholarship. Zack offered Tyler to go back with him to Ohio State University, but Tyler couldn't bear to pry Zack away from his family. He’s gonna do fine on his own, he assured. Maddie is starting high school, so it's a really great year to move right now. Jay has it hardest. He'll be nine soon, but he's still just a kid. And that's why he needs Zack to be there at least for the weekends. Despite the age difference the two are really close and Tyler can't take Zack away from the younger boy.

'Are you rested enough to take the wheel?' Tyler is pulled out of his thoughts by the question. His father has pulled over at a small gas station and is looking at him in the rearview mirror.

'I don't wanna wake your mother up if it's not necessary,' he adds and Tyler nods. He doesn't particularly enjoy driving, but he doesn’t want to inconvenience his mom.

Tyler's father somehow manages to scramble up to the back bench without waking everyone up.

'If you get too tired just wake me or your mother up. Don't play a hero. There's Redbull in the cup holder,' he gives some last orders before making himself comfortable and closing his eyes.

'Of course,' Tyler replies and starts the car. Listening to soft orders from the GPS, he finds his place on the interstate. He is driving his family towards their new home. He can't help but feel proud at that.

\---

The sun’s just started rising when Tyler's mother wakes up. As soon as she sees Tyler’s driving, she demands to take the wheel, angry at her husband for letting their son drive when he should be sleeping. She tries to keep her voice down but still wakes up Zack and Jay, the latter grunting loudly, complaining how he won't be able to fall asleep again. Tyler assures his mother that he was alright and that she needed sleep as well, but he still pulls over as soon as he can and lets her take the wheel. Since the boys are already up, though, they decide to take a five-minute break.

Soon they are back in the car, Zack and Jay sharing a bag of chips and Tyler sipping on a cup of coffee. Georgia passes by in vibrant colors, green mostly. And then they’re in Florida, two more hours to go.

Looking out the window fills Tyler with a weird combination of feelings. He isn't homesick, per se, he's already spent a year at college so he’s used to being away from home. It’s just that this time he isn't away from home, he’s going home, though his college dorm feels more like home than this. But he feels excited too. He hasn't seen the sea for years. He's done road trips up to Cleveland with his friends, taking a dip in the Lakes, but he hasn't been to the coast since he was a kid. He always thought seaside was a place he wanted to visit, not live there. It seemed like the only way you could enjoy it was as a tourist. But he is willing to give the coast life a chance.

Those two hours move by quickly enough and once they are winding the streets of Orlando, the kids get really excited, looking through the window, getting used to what they'll soon call 'the City'. The traffic is slow but eventually they get out into the suburbs that are a bit easier to manage.

'This is it. This is the street,' Chris exclaims when they turn the corner on a wide straight road, lined with more or less similar houses — big, clean and surrounded by neatly trimmed lawns. It’s a picture that screams suburbia. They’ve lived in such setting their whole life, though, so for them it just screams home.

'You have arrived at your destination,' the woman on the GPS confirms as the minivan enters the driveway of one of the houses, it’s as neat as the rest, painted a calming shade of dirty yellow. It seems welcoming, though somehow impersonal. It tells nothing about who lived here before, but Tyler knows that will change eventually. They'll shape and mold the house until it becomes their home.

The family slowly crawls out of the vehicle and takes a look at their mew home, taking in the sight, forming their first impressions.

'Let's check her out,' Chris suggests and solemnly steps towards the door, his wife and kids in tow. He unlocks the doors and reveals a narrow hallway that opens into a kitchen on the left and living room on the right. There isn't much furniture inside, just the necessities, but what’s there has a modern minimalistic vibe to it that suits the rooms well.

They are speechless for a while, just admiring the house and exploring further.

There’s a staircase in the living room leading up to the bedrooms. Tyler and Zack will be sharing the room on the topmost floor, directly under the roof, since they'll both be off to college and barely using it. Jay and Maddy will be getting their own rooms.

Tyler tries to picture himself in his new room. It’s still bare, no character to it, just two beds opposite of each other where the ceiling starts getting lower, a wardrobe, a single desk and a roof window. It has a mixed Ikea display/ dorm room/ prisoner cell vibe to it that makes Tyler shiver. It’s not modern and welcoming like the rest of the house. The guests won’t be coming up here so it apparently doesn’t really matter how it looks. Tyler’s already missing his old room, though now that he thinks about it, it wasn't that much better furniture-wise. He had about the same feelings when he first saw his dorm room at Ohio State, but then he at least had Brendon to complain to and he still had his room waiting for him at home. But he can't exactly go around telling his parents he hates his room. It'd break their hearts. He'll just have to deal.

'It's awful,' Tyler hears a whisper behind him. Zack is looking around the room, his face cringed up in disgust. Tyler smiles. At least his brother feels the same way.

'It's not that bad,' Tyler reassures his brother. He feels like that would be the appropriate thing to say. But then Zack looks at him in an I-know-you're-lying way, so Tyler mouths: 'It really is,' and shakes his head. Zack laughs at that and throws himself on the bed that’s farther from the window.

'Dibs on this one,' he says and spreads his arms out like he'd want to give his new bed a hug. Tyler rolls his eyes. Of course Zack would choose the one that had a higher ceiling, but Tyler isn't gonna argue with him. Zack is taller after all.

'Fine, I'm gone in two months anyway,' Tyler sighs and sits on what’s apparently his bed.

'Lucky you,' Zack adds. Suddenly there’s a purposeful cough from the door and both boys look up startled by the noise. Their mother’s standing in the doorway, she seems a bit sad and dissociated, probably from the stress of moving and Zack immediately feels bad for his comment.

'The moving van arrives in a few hours. Zack, I'm gonna need you to help your father and I unpack the necessities,' their mother turns towards the younger boy, who nods, though he doesn't seem too content with the arrangement. 'And Tyler,' she turns her attention to the firstborn. 'If you could take Jay and Maddy to the beach, that would be great. They don't seem to like it here that much. Maybe the sea could change their minds.'

Tyler nods obediently. He isn't too fond of babysitting, but at least it sounds more exciting than unloading and unpacking.

'Sure, let me just grab my swimming shorts,' Tyler adds and heads downstairs to the minivan where he left his suitcase.

\---

A few minutes later Tyler, Maddy and Jay are all packed in the minivan and ready to go to the beach. Jay is really excited. He's never seen the ocean.

Tyler sets up the GPS for Cocoa Beach and they’re off. The drive isn't too long, mostly filled with Jay asking if they're there yet and Maddy telling him to shut up. Once they arrive, Jay sprints out of the car and down to the sandy beach, Tyler running after him before he can get out of sight and Maddy strolling casually behind them.

'Jay!' Tyler calls, the younger boy slaloming between beach towels and sun umbrellas. Jay finally slows in front of the water looking at the blue waves with a mesmerized expression.

'It's the ocean, Ty. It's so big. You can't even see the other side,' Jay exclaims, pointing out at the horizon. Tyler laughs. Jay is such a sweet and innocent kid, albeit sometimes disobedient.

'Yeah, you're right, it's so big. And you'll get to swim in it soon. Just wait here with Maddy while I get our stuff, okay?' Tyler ruffles his brother’s hair, turns to Maddy: 'Look after him, I'll be right back,' and leaves for the car.

Once he’s back, Jay is already sitting in the ground, his swimming shorts and T-shirt full of sand.

'Jay, what are you doing?' Tyler asks, dropping the beach bag on the ground to pick his brother up and clean him up as much as he can.

'I told you to look after him,' Tyler scowls at Maddy, who’s just standing there with her phone in her hand.

'What was I supposed to do? He just threw himself at the ground,' Maddy retaliates and Tyler sighs. He isn't angry at her. She’s a teenager, rebellious, moody and bored. God knows what he was like when he was her age. Tyler mentally cringes at his past self and stands up.

'Alright let's go,' Tyler beckons his siblings and looks around to find a good place for their towels. The beach is full of people so Tyler settles for a half-shade by the bar at the back of the beach. Surely, it isn't as close to the water as they hoped, but at least they aren't in anybody's way and they have a little bit of shade.

Jay immediately takes off his shirt and starts impatiently pacing around his towel.

'You coming or what?' he keeps asking while Tyler sets down their stuff.

'Be right there,' Tyler responds, taking his shirt off too. He’s wearing his old swimming shorts he’s slightly insecure about. They’re too colorful for a grown man, patches of blue and orange drawing too much attention. But he loves them too, they remind him of the good old days with Brendon and Jenna at the Lakes.

'I'm just gonna stay here and watch our stuff,' Maddy decides and sits down on her towel, leaning toward the beach bag to fish out her book.

'Okay,' Tyler agrees and leaves with Jay. The younger boy has a wide grin plastered across his face when he runs down the pier. There’s a marked spot for jumping in the water and Jay tugs Tyler with him in the line. There are just two people in front of them.

'You go first,' Jay insists when it’s their turn. He seems a little scared looking down in the dark water. Tyler smiles at him and jumps headfirst. Once he’s in the water, he looks up, waiting for his brother to follow. Jay is standing at the edge, staring at the water with wide eyes. There’s already people in line behind him so Tyler tries to encourage him to jump.

'C'mon, Jay, the water's great, you can do it,' Tyler calls, loud enough for his brother to hear him, but so loud as to draw attention. Jay smiles and closes his eyes, before simply walking off the edge. Tyler laughs when Jay comes back to the surface, grinning wide.

They are swimming for a few minutes when Jay asks: 'Where did you learn to jump so well?'

'Brendon thought me at the Lakes,' Tyler answers. Brendon was much more agile than Tyler. He always did a backflip if the point he was jumping from was high enough. There was something about bringing your feet over your head that just didn't appeal to Tyler, though. Thinking about Brendon brings something to Tyler's mind.

'Shhhhh...' Tyler refrains himself from cursing and stops swimming.

'What is it?' Jay asks worriedly.

'I promised Brendon I was gonna call him as soon as I get here. He must be so worried by now,' Tyler answers and looks back toward the shore. For a second Tyler ponders if he should leave his brother alone in the water. Jay was a good enough a swimmer and he'll probably get bored soon and come out. And there’s a lifeguard on the pier and a lot of other swimmers, so what could really happen to him?

'Do you remember where our stuff is?' Tyler asks his brother.

Jay nods and Tyler continues: 'Okay, when you get sick of swimming come back. Don't swim too far away and if anything goes wrong, call for a lifeguard, okay?'

Jay nods again and Tyler swims back to the shore.

\---

'Back already?' Maddy asks when Tyler appears next to her, water still dripping off of him.

'Forgot to call Brendon,' Tyler pants and drapes himself in his towel. It’s as colorful as his shorts and he loves it just as much.

'Better give you some privacy, then,' Maddy comments, not moving her glance from her book.

'Shut up,' Tyler retorts, a bit too offended. Obviously, Maddy is joking, but her comment hit Tyler hard. It’s almost two years now since he admitted to himself that he was attracted to men and a little more than a year since he came out to Brendon. Brendon is the only one who knows, Jenna lived too close to home and his family... Tyler knows he'll have to tell them sooner or later, but he chooses later. He hasn't really been in a relationship before and there are no potential candidates in his life. He doesn’t really know how his parents would react, given that they’re conservative Christians, but he has no incentive to find out.

It was hard when he came out to Brendon too. Tyler knew he wouldn't judge since Brendon was already out, but that's what made it hard. Brendon was gay which meant Tyler fell in the broad category of potential lovers and now if Tyler was gay... Let's just say the thought of being in love with his best friend crossed his mind. Of course, that's not how things work and nothing happened. Brendon was extremely supportive and genuinely happy that Tyler is finally feeling comfortable in his skin. He really was the best friend Tyler needed.

There’s already a missed call from Brendon when Tyler checks his phone. Tyler sighs, puts in his earbuds and decides to try to Facetime.

'Heeeey, it's TyGuy,' Brendon accepts his call.

'Hey, Brendon,' Tyler greets back, grinning at his phone. It really is good to see Brendon again.

'How's it going? Positively wet, I see,' Brendon winks and Tyler rolls his eyes.

'It's good, a little hotter than up north, but I'll manage. The house's great, quite modern, except my room. It's even worse than our dorm cell,' Tyler complains and Brendon laughs.

'How's home?' Tyler asks. He’s already starting to miss Columbus. He'll need to get to know a whole new city now.

'Still standing. You know, same old, same old. I mean, you haven't been gone for a day and everything's already more bleak now,' Brendon admits and Tyler's heart flutters. He feels sorry for Brendon, but it also feels good to be missed.

'Aww, I miss you too, buddy,' Tyler replies and Brendon clenches his heart dramatically.

'Anyway, I see you're already enjoying the beach,' Brendon changes the subject before the two friends can get too emotional.

'Yeah, had to take Maddy and Jay out of the house,' Tyler explaines.

'Any hot bodies?' Brendon asks with a wink.

Tyler knows nobody except him can hear Brendon, but he blushes anyway.

'No, I just got here, didn't have time to look,' Tyler answers in a hushed voice and Brendon laughs. Tyler isn't really looking for a relationship since he's heading back in two months, but a summer fling wouldn't hurt anybody.

'Well, try to find me some meat too,' Brendon adds and licks his lips.

'Dude,' Tyler says in disgust, but laughs afterwards. Brendon is much more straightforward when it comes to relationships. He mostly sees them as fun adventures and Tyler doubts Brendon will ever settle down. He knows how to break hearts and how to move on when his is broken.

They talk for a while, conversation ranging from college to the song Brendon heard on the radio that morning that really caught his attention.

'Say hi to your parents for me. And Zack, Maddy and Jay,' Brendon starts to say goodbye.

'Shit,' Tyler exclaims suddenly. 'I will, but I gotta go. Talk to you soon, okay?'

Brendon nods and says goodbye. He sees Tyler is worried so he decides to not keep him any further.

Jay still isn't back. Tyler got completely carried away talking to Brendon. They've been talking for almost an hour. Jay should've been back by now. Tyler shoots up and runs toward the pier, looking for his brother.


	2. I fell in love at the seaside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler meets a pink-haired ice-cream barista.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Seaside by The Kooks.

'Jay!' Tyler calls out again. He’s aware people are staring at him, but he doesn't care. Panic is starting to consume him. He curses under his breath and calls out again. He’s standing on the pier, looking around the water for any signs of his brother.

'Sir, excuse me, have you seen my brother? He's eight, tanned, brown hair, green shorts,' Tyler asks the lifeguard. His social anxiety is screaming inside his brain, but desperate times call for desperate measures. 

'There's lots of kids here, I don't know, sorry. But he didn't drown. If he's not in the water, he probably got lost on the beach,' the lifeguard answers, not looking particularly interested.

'Okay, thanks anyway,' Tyler replies and turns around. The beach is huge and full of people. Great. He's lost his brother. Now he's gonna have to explain to his parents why he's back with one sibling less than he's left with.

'Jay Joseph!' Tyler's calls were getting ever more panicky and hopeless.

Tyler returns to their spot next to the bar to ask Maddy for help when he hears it.

'Ty!'

Tyler turns around quickly, trying to find the source of the call. Jay is running towards him, another guy behind him. Tyler crouches down to take his brother in for a hug. He finally allows himself to catch a breath, relief washing over him.

'Where have you been? I've been worried sick about you,' Tyler scolds his brother. He can see Jay is sorry and a bit scared, so he smiles at him, hoping to ease the situation.

'Mom said you'd buy me ice cream and I was really hungry, but you were talking to Brendon and I didn't want to bother you and Maddy was reading and you know how Maddy gets when someone interrupts her when she's reading. So I thought I could do it myself, because I'm eight and I can buy my own ice cream, but I forgot I needed money. And the ice-cream men already gave me my ice cream and then he told me to pay and I said I needed to get my brother so he went with me. Please, don't tell dad about this,' Jay recounts the story in one breath. He seems really embarrassed about forgetting the money, sort of disappointed in himself.

'Don't worry, I won't,' Tyler promises. Tyler has no intention on bringing father's anger upon his brother.

He looks up at the person who ran behind his brother and appears to be the ice-cream man Jay was talking about. Except he isn't an ice-cream man, he’s more of an ice-cream boy. An ice-cream boy with bright pink hair and a gorgeous smile and an apron that says: 'Bill's Ice-Cream Palace'.

'I'm sorry, I'm not some weird pervert chasing after your brother, but he was apologizing and mumbling something about his brother and then he just took off so I ran after him,' the ice-cream boy apologizes. Tyler blinks twice trying to focus on anything else but the guy's face and stands up.

'No, I'm sorry for Jay, he's a sweet kid, but he’s at that age when he wants to do everything on his own, so...' Tyler starts explaining and the ice-cream boy laughs awkwardly.

'How much for the ice cream?' Tyler asks, fishing his wallet out of the beach bag.

'One fifty. But if I would've known how good his older brother looks, I would've given it for free,' the ice-cream boy replies and Tyler stops in his tracks. Did the ice-cream boy just flirt with him? Tyler looks at him. He’s just standing there, grinning like nothing happened. Maybe Tyler is just reading it wrong.

He hands over a two-dollar bill, trying to avoid all unnecessary skin contact. He has never been flirted with and panic is starting to flow through him again.

'Keep the change,' Tyler mumbles and tears his hand away from the other boy. He can see the grin on his face fade, but in a way, that calms him down.

'Thanks, let me just get your ice cream,' the ice-cream boy smiles politely and jogs away.

'It's okay, we can... get it ourselves,' Tyler tries to shout after him, but he is already too far away so Tyler just mumbles the last words to himself.

'What was that?' Maddy looks up from her book. Did she pick up on the ice-cream boy's flirting? Has she seen how distressed it made Tyler? Tyler's heart starts racing.

'What?' he asks innocently, hoping she'll drop it.

'He was flirting with you. Is he gay?' she asks then. There’s an edge to her voice, something between fear and hostility, as if she would be asking if he would hurt her. Tyler's heart sinks. He knows his parents highly oppose homosexuality and so does his Church, but seeing such a young and clueless girl take on such a poisonous mindset fills him with sadness.

'I don't know,' Tyler admits. 'But even if he is, there's nothing wrong with that,' he adds then, hoping he might still change his sister's opinion.

'Dad said it's wrong and unnatural,' Maddy explains. She doesn't have her own opinion, Tyler notices, she’s simply repeating foreign words. He's been through that himself. The struggle to somehow line up his faith and sexuality, to make them somehow not contradict each other. It took him a long time, but now he knows all the arguments because he's used each one against himself before.

'A lot of people think that, yes, but that doesn't make it right. Why would two boys or two girls loving each other be wrong? What's unnatural about love? They can't have kids, sure, but that doesn't make their love any smaller or less legitimate,' Tyler tries to explain to his sister, but he’s cut off by a slight tugging at his shorts. He turns around and notices Jay pointing at something. The ice-cream boy is already coming back. And he’s holding two ice creams.

'Fudge Brownie for the boy,' he hands Jay an ice-cream cone with dark brown ball at the top that is already starting to melt and Jay thanks him.

'And mint chocolate chip for the gentleman,' he hands Tyler the other cone and Tyler swears he sees him wink. He takes the cone nervously, not sure what to say.

'Thank you,' he settles for the obvious and smiles, hoping the other boy wouldn't pick up on his nervousness.

'No problem, enjoy your ice cream. And come back some time,' the ice-cream boy replies and already turns to leave when Tyler remembers something.

'Hey, let me at least pay for the second one,' he calls out after the guy. The ice-cream boy turns and grins at him.

'No, it's on the house, I insist,' he yells back and then adds more quietly: 'You'll get to pay me back some other time.'

With a wink and a swift turn he’s gone and for a few moments Tyler just stands there, watching after him.

'He seems nice,' Maddy comments once Tyler sits down and delves into his ice cream. It’s incredibly good.

'Mhm, he does,' Tyler can't help but agree.

'For a gay guy, at least,' Maddy adds then, quietly and condescendingly and Tyler can feel rage begin to simmer inside of him. He forces himself to calm down, though. Getting mad at her over the matter would just repulse her further. Best to explain it nicely.

'Maddy, gay people aren't some kind of monsters. Being gay doesn't change a person, it just changes their sexual prefere...' Tyler starts but gets interrupted.

'Are you gay?'

The question finds Tyler unprepared. His heart starts racing. This really isn't the time to come out to his sister, but he can't bring himself to lie about it. Maybe coming out will change Maddy’s mind.

'Yes, Maddy, I'm gay,' Tyler quietly admits, preparing himself for a negative reaction. What he gets is no reaction, just further questions.

'How long have you been gay?' she asks.

'My whole life. But I've only come to terms with it two years ago,' Tyler answers. He feels like he’s being interrogated.

'I didn't notice,' Maddie says quietly, almost compassionately, as if Tyler’s just told her he has cancer. It isn't a question so Tyler says nothing, but just before the silence would become awkward, she continues: 'How did you know?'

'I felt it. Boys around me were talking about girls and boobs and how great they were and I just didn't feel that. I always felt like something was wrong with me. And then I found out about other sexualities and that there's lots of people who feel the same as I do. Brendon, for example, is one of them. He's helped me a lot, but the hardest part was accepting myself. You know, for a long time I thought like you, that it's unnatural, it's just a phase, I'm just confused, but it isn't like that,' Tyler explains, voice quavering as he revisits his times of confusion and self-hatred.

'And you couldn't help it?' Maddy asks further, all hate seemingly gone from her voice, replaced by sympathy and genuine interest.

'No, believe me I tried. But also I didn't want to. It didn't feel wrong, you know, just people around me were telling me it was and I started asking why. Why is it wrong? And they would tell me, but what they said seemed empty and at the end of the day it still didn't feel wrong. What felt wrong was denying who I was and I stopped fighting it,' Tyler continues. He can feel his eyes begin to water. Maddy must have noticed his distress as she shifts next to him and hugs him from the side.

'I'm sorry, I didn't know any of that, it's just that dad...' Maddy starts her apology, obviously sorry for her earlier comments.

'Yeah, mom and dad don't really support that kind of stuff. Please don't tell them. I swear I'll explain it to them when I feel ready and I'm really gonna need your support then, but they have a lot on their plate with the move and everything,' Tyler asks and Maddy frantically nods.

'Sure, I get it,' Maddy agrees and lets go of her brother. Tyler notices he’s still holding ice cream in his hand, though it has already melted a lot and is running down the cone, some drops almost at his hand, the napkin wet at the edges. He licks passionately up the cone, but with the ice-cream boy still on his mind, the gesture seems too inappropriate. Shaking his head, he tries to concentrate on his conversation with Maddy.

'You ever had a boyfriend?' she asks and Tyler shakes his head.

'Nope, still waiting for the one to come my way,' he adds. Brendon, though rarely single, has assured him that there is no shame in waiting for the one to settle down with, some people just liked to dabble and mess around to ease the wait, while others deemed that pointless.

'Maybe you should take a chance with the ice-cream guy,' Maddy suggests jokingly. Tyler laughs. Maybe he should. The ice-cream boy obviously has a great body under that apron of his, so the sexual attraction was definitely there and he seems to be a really nice guy. He did bring Tyler ice cream. And he seems interested in Tyler, which Tyler isn't used to at all. It still boggles him how anyone could think him attractive, though Brendon always assured him that he has 'a tan of a greek god' and 'a smile of a happy puppy', which Tyler took as a compliment.

He doesn't voice out his inner monologue, settling instead on a vague 'maybe'.

'I mean he looked hot. If you're into pink hair and free ice cream,' Maddy comments and Tyler hums affirmatively. He's not sure what his type is, but he likes pink and ice cream so...

After a minute of silence Maddy comes up with another question: 'How do gays have sex?'

Tyler chokes on the last of his ice-cream cone. He's not describing anal fingering to his little sister.

'Geez, I'm not explaining that to you. Geez, Maddy, you can't ask me that...' Tyler only half-acts his outrage, but it makes Maddy laugh and Tyler joins in.

He looks back at the last couple of minutes. He met a hot guy that seemed to be gay and at least a little bit interested in him, he got free ice cream and came out to his sister, which a despite rocky beginning went well. It’s a good day. But lunch time is getting close and they need to head home.

\---

'How was the beach?' mom asks with a beaming smile as soon they entered the house.

'It was nice. There's sand and the sea's really warm. There's a lot of people, though,' Tyler summarizes.

'Yes, that's to be expected. It's the peak of the season,' his mother nods thoughtfully. 'You have to take us all there tomorrow.'

Tyler agrees and moves past her to the living room.

'And we had ice cream!' Jay adds excitedly behind him.

'That's nice, honey, just don't get used to it,' his mom answers.

Tyler notices some of the furniture they brought with him has been set up. He runs up to his room to unpack the beach bag. Zack is unwrapping his desk chair out of the bubble wrap and there’s a guy helping him.

'Tyler, hey,' Zack greets. 'This is Ryan. He's our new neighbor.'

Ryan nods and moves closer to Tyler, arm outstretched for a hand shake. Tyler takes his hand carefully and studies the stranger. His grip is firm, but not too strong, he’s short with boyish features, but something in his eyes says he's older than he looks.

'Hi, I'm Ryan, I live on your right,' he introduces himself with a polite smile. Tyler likes him already.

'Hi, Tyler, I live right here,' Tyler replies and Ryan giggles at his words. His laugh sounds musical, like he’s half laughing half singing. It’s contagious.

'I'm just helping your brother with the decorations. We moved here just a couple of months ago, so I understand what it's like to see a room that's supposed to be yours, but just doesn't feel right. Believe me, it gets better,' Ryan says, moves to the bubble wrapped nightstand and starts tearing at the tape.

'Thanks, that's really nice of you,' Tyler thanks Ryan. His words really do ease something inside of him.

Tyler helps unload, unpack and assemble furniture all afternoon and finally, he is excused. He takes the opportunity to talk to Brendon, so he goes for a walk under pretense to explore their new neighborhood. Brendon picks up after a few rings.

'Brendon, help,' Tyler pleads as soon as Brendon's face shows on the screen.

'What is it?' Brendon seems genuinely worried, although he’s probably suspecting it’s a part of the joke.

'A guy flirted with me,' Tyler moans as if he were talking about a grave tragedy. Brendon bursts out laughing and Tyler's facade of seriousness crumbles too.

'Only Tyler Joseph,' Brendon starts. 'Would call up his best friend to tell him about a guy and start the conversation with 'help'.'

They are both full-on laughing then and Tyler once again thinks about how miserable life without Brendon would be.

'Tell me about him,' Brendon urges once he forced himself to stop laughing, a smile still playing on his lips.

Tyler recounts the events, making sure to emphasize how good the ice-cream boy looked and what he said to him.

'Wow, sounds like you're doomed,' Brendon sighs once Tyler is done.

'I know Brendon, what do I do?' Tyler really needs an answer to that question and if anyone has experience in that department, it’s Brendon.

'Well, you told me all that he said to you. What did you say back?' Brendon asks, trying to get more info to assess the situation better.

'Nothing. I panicked. I completely ignored all his flirting and just awkwardly thanked him,' Tyler starts realizing just how bad he is at this. He would hide his face in his hands if he didn't need to hold his phone.

'Tyler, you idiot. Why did you panic? He was clearly into you, man. He gave you free ice cream. Fucking mint chocolate chip. That's some tasty shit. If he just wanted to give you ice cream as an apology, he'd go with something vanilla, like vanilla. Wait, he brought you ice cream. He handed you ice cream himself, right?' Brendon suddenly gets an idea and Tyler is starting to feel nervous. Where was he going with this? Tyler nods, waiting for his friend to continue.

'Of course. It's coffee shop AU 101. Did you notice a number written on it?' Brendon asks, suddenly very hyped to have solved the mystery of free ice cream.

'On the ice cream?' Tyler asks, very confused by Brendon's question and not really following his train of thought. Brendon rolls his eyes.

'No, Tyler, on the napkin, you dumbass,' he explains and it all clicks with Tyler. The napkin. That was soaked with melted ice cream. And he threw away without even checking.

'Fuck, Brendon,' Tyler curses. 'No, I didn't see anything. But it could be, I didn't check. I threw it away.'

'God, you're such an idiot! Now he's expecting you to call and you can't but he doesn't know that. He's gonna think you're not interested. Or even worse. He's gonna think that you're straight!' Brendon exclaims. Tyler laughs. In Brendon's mind there's nothing worse than someone mistaking you for a straight guy.

'What do I do now, Bren?' Tyler shakes his head. He can't believe he hasn't thought of the napkin.

'Just explain it next time you see him. You'll both laugh about it,' Brendon suggests.

'And what if it was really just a napkin?' Tyler worries. 'What if he wasn't really flirting with me and I just read things wrong? I can't just ask for his number, you know how I am with people.'

'He told you you look good. Granted, that's not good flirting, but it's _definitely_ flirting,' Brendon counters and Tyler sighs in defeat. He's not getting out of this one.

'Hmm, I have an idea,' Brendon murmurs then. 'You remember the name of the ice-cream place, right?'

Tyler hums affirmatively in response.

'Well, it probably has a website, right? And maybe there's an employee list or there's a number you could call and ask about your mystery man. And even if there's nothing, just go there the next time you go to the beach and ask for him. I mean, how many pink-haired baristas can they have?' Brendon suggests. Tyler nods. It's a long shot, but at least it's a plan.

'Yeah, I'll do that,' Tyler agrees, happy that he's actually taking action for once. He checks the time then. 6.48 pm. He should probably head home or his parents might start to worry.

'Hey, sorry, I need to leave now, I have dinner soon,' Tyler apologizes and Brendon nods.

'Sure, I gotta go too. Talk to you later,' Brendon says.

'Thanks, I’ll keep you posted,' Tyler promises.

'No problem, man.  And I want all the juicy details. Our TyGuy is finally getting some action ,' Brendon replies with a  wink . T yler shakes his head again and terminates the call.

He slowly walks back home, forming a plan in his mind. He's going to have dinner now, and then he's going to search for Bill's Ice-Cream Palace and maybe he'll find something useful and if he doesn't, he's going to the beach again tomorrow anyway.

After ten minutes, he sees the familiar shade of dirty yellow that represents his destination.

'Where have you been?' his mother asks when he steps through the door. The food is already on the table.

'I'm sorry, I lost track of time,' Tyler explains. It is only a half lie.

'It's okay, but I don't know this neighborhood, so next time get home when I tell you too,' his mom replies. There is still light outside and there isn't much that could happen in the suburbs, but Tyler knows his mother cares a lot about the kids and as annoying as that is sometimes, he is thankful.

'The neighborhood's quite safe, I would say, Ms. Joseph,' someone comments and Tyler just now notices that Ryan stayed for dinner.

After Tyler sits down to eat, they say their prayers and start eating. There’s a pleasant silence surrounding the table, until Jay decides to ask one question that makes Tyler's stomach churn.

'Mom, what is gay?'

It’s an innocent question and Tyler can't blame Jay for asking it, but in that moment he almost wishes his parents would've stopped at the third child. The tension around the table rises as everybody stops eating and Tyler's parents exchange glances and his mom replies.

'Some people feel like they're different from the others and think they love people of the same gender. They're confused and some of them realize that eventually, but some live in this delusion forever. It's sad, really,' she explains. With every word Tyler's fists clench harder and his breathing deepens, but he just prays nobody notices.

'But why is it wrong?' Jay pushes further, obviously oblivious of the awkwardness his questions are bringing to the table. Tyler's father decides to answer that.

'Well, son, this isn't really dinner table talk, but the purpose of sexual relations between a man and a woman is to have children. It's always been like that and that's how God intended it. Two men or two women, however, can't make children, making pleasure the only purpose of an intercourse,' he explains, his face growing redder as he speaks and everybody stares at him. Jay is torn between laughing at his parent’s embarrassment and staying serious, since nobody else seems to find it funny.

'Why do you ask?' his mother wants to know and panic substitutes Tyler's rage. He glares at his brother, trying to somehow communicate his thoughts. Jay doesn't seem to see him and Tyler is getting ready to run out of the house in case Jay outs him.

'Someone mentioned it on the beach,' Jay casually explains and Tyler holds back a sigh of relief.

'Well, I think this is a conversation for another time,' Tyler's mother finally decides and everybody silently agrees and averts their attention back to food. Awkward silence falls over the table, interrupted just by quiet clings of the cutlery and absent chewing.

The conversation eventually starts again, this time with Ryan telling them all about the neighborhood and the people there.

'Oh, would you look at the time? I gotta get going, my mother will be worried about me as it is,' Ryan says after checking his phone and hastily stands up.

'Of course, sweety, would you like to take some of the dessert home for your parents?' Tyler's mom asks politely and stands up to prepare a slice of blueberry pie for Ryan to take home.

'Oh, no, you don't have to,' Ryan insists, but she’s already pushing the plate in his hands, so he just gives up.

'It was really nice to meet you all. See you in church on Sunday. If you'd like to come. I just assumed by the prayer and everything,' Ryan greets, getting a bit embarrassed by his assumption, but Tyler's father smiles contently and answers: 'You assumed correctly. We'll make sure to be there. We're looking forward to meeting your community.'

Ryan smiles back politely, greets again and leaves. Tyler scolds himself for being disappointed at Ryan's openly Christian nature, especially after the conversation that just went down at the table. He should be happy to have met someone his age that shares his religion, but he’d much rather meet someone who shares his ideals.

When they are excused from the table and Zack is put on dish-washer duty, Tyler cuddles up on his bed with his phone, turning on his data and searching for 'bill's ice cream palace', his stomach filling with excited butterflies as he waits for the results to show. If all goes well, he'll have ice-cream boy's name in a matter of minutes.

The page shows the first result for a place somewhere in Colorado, but the next one is situated on Cocoa Beach, Orlando, Florida. Tyler almost squeals from joy, but is disappointed before the page even fully loads. There’s a generic light pink background and then a row of blue words written in italics on the top. It’s one of those old websites, that work so shit on a phone and it’s probably not updated. The row reads: home, about us, where are we, our offer and contacts. Under it is the name of the place, written in comic sans, of all fonts and a picture of the shop. Tyler almost shudders.

He doesn't lose all hope, though. He clicks on 'about us' where he finds out the shop opened ten years ago and is run by a local called Bill Dun. It offers nothing interesting to Tyler.

He sighs and clicks on the next button that describes the location of Cocoa Beach and how to get there.

Desperately, he clicks on their offers, though he knows he'll find nothing. There’s a list of flavors they offer and neither chocolate brownie fudge nor mint chocolate chip are on it. So the website definitely isn't updated.

'Contacts' are Tyler's last hope and he takes a deep breath before clicking it. There’s an address, an email address and a number. Tyler sighs. It definitely isn't the number he's been searching for, but it’s something.

He copies it and saved it under 'the ice cream place' in his contacts and then closes his phone. He can't really call that number, though. 'Yeah, hello, this is Tyler, I'm searching for a pink-haired guy, he's supposed to work there. No, I just need to know if he's really into me or was I just reading things wrong. Could you ask him that?' No, this is something he had to work out with him personally. He’s gonna have to take a chance at the shop tomorrow, then. He’s filled with anxiety and excitement. He’s been here for less than a day and his life is already consumed by this guy he talked to for a minute at most and whose name is still a mystery to him. It scares him how quickly he could fall in love. And it scares him that he'll end up disappointed and heartbroken.


	3. All that you left me was a number at the back of my hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler tries his best to arrange a date with the ice-cream guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Hands by Barns Courtney.
> 
> Warning: Illicit drug use (marijuana).

Tyler shifts nervously in his sit. They are driving to Cocoa Beach and mom let Tyler take the passenger sit to provide her husband with directions. But Tyler is barely able to concentrate on the road, he’s a bundle of nerves as they’re approaching the beach. Soon he'll get to see the ice-cream boy again. 

As soon as they settle on the beach, Tyler makes an excuse to go to the bathroom and darts towards the ice-cream place. 

It looks exactly like the picture on their site, generic but cozy. There’s an ice-cream fridge facing the beach and a few people are standing in line, a young girl, wearing the same 'Bill's Ice Cream Palace' apron, serving them. Tyler pushes through the door on her right. Inside are a few circular tables, a couple eating at one and a family at another, the rest are empty. Tyler's eyes ignore the tables and search for a bar. He finds it, but sadly, there’s a different guy behind it. He hasn't seen Tyler yet. 

Tyler takes a deep breath, anxiety already getting to him. There isn't much that Tyler hates more than talking to strangers. He walks up to the guy, that’s probably a bit older than Tyler and trying to grow a beard that right now looks more like a scruff. 

'Hi, how can I help you?' the bartender asks before Tyler can open his mouth. It takes every bit of Tyler's self-control not to turn around and leave.

'He's gonna judge you. He's gonna think you're weird. He's gonna think you're stalking his friend,' Tyler thinks, but then he thinks of Brendon. What would Brendon do (has he really fallen so low that Brendon is his role model)? Well, Brendon wouldn't run away, that's for sure. He wouldn't give up until he finds his mystery boy and he'd make everyone else fall in love with him on the way.

'Hi, please don't take this wrong, but I'm searching for someone,' Tyler starts nervously. The bartender seems confused, but is looking at him expectantly, so Tyler continues. 'He works here, about my age, pink hair.' Tyler almost adds 'gorgeous smile', but bites his tongue.

Bartender's face flashes with a look of recognition, sparking a slimmer of hope in Tyler.

'You mean Josh?' he asks. Tyler's heart leaps. He likes the name already. 

'I don't know his name,' Tyler admits quietly, his face flushing red. Now this really makes him feel like a stalker.

'I'm pretty sure you mean Josh, not a lot of pink-haired people working here,' the bartender laughs and Tyler smiles in relief. If the bartender feels any sort of awkwardness at their conversation, he’s not showing it. 

'He's not working today. He likes to have his Fridays off,' the Bartender adds then and Tyler suddenly feels like the ground disappeared from under his feet. That means that he can't see him until next week.

'Is everything okay?' the bartender asks, noticing Tyler’s strange reaction. 

'Yeah, it's fine. I just have to tell him something, ' Tyler asks hopefully. Just thinking about him as Josh instead of 'the ice-cream boy' makes him feel like less of a weirdo. 

'Do you want his number?' the barista asks and reaches in his pocket for his pen. Tyler nods, a bit too enthusiastically.

Tyler could almost hug the bartender at that, but he settles for a nod and a 'thank you' as the bartender writes down a number on the napkin and hands it to him warily.

‘I don’t know if I should be doing this, but he can still block you if he wants to,’ the bartender says, not aggressively, probably just to justify his actions to himself. Tyler nods, takes the napkin and mumbles another ‘thank you’.

‘I’m Spencer, by the way, if he asks who gave you the number,’ the bartender adds and then turns away to grab the towel by the sink. Tyler takes it as the end of the conversation and hurriedly leaves the bar. He finds an empty bench behind the bar and taps in the number from the napkin he’s been clutching tightly in his hands. He takes a few deep breaths and starts typing.

'Hi, this is Tyler from the beach yesterday, you brought me ice cream. It downed on me (a bit too late) that you might have given me your number on the napkin, or maybe you didn't, anyway, I didn't get it, so Spencer gave it to me. Yesterday it seemed like you were flirting with me (I might have read things wrong in which case, just ignore this whole message) and I seemed like a complete idiot not flirting back, it's just that I'm not used to it so I panicked. I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but I guess I'm interested and if you are too, we should hang out sometime.' Tyler writes. He’s already cringing. It’s way too formal and way too long and just weird, but he can’t think of anything better so he closes his eyes and hits send. He takes another deep breath and leaves to find his family. 

He finds Maddy and Zack by the towels. 

'Jay really wanted to go swimming so mom and dad went with him,' Zack explains. He looks about ready to go in the water too.

'Are you going in the water now?' he asks and Tyler shakes his head.

'No, go ahead, man, I'm not really feeling it yet,' Tyler waves goodbye to his brother and Zack leaves. Tyler is too nervous now, anticipating Josh's reply. He makes a deal with himself to wait fifteen minutes and if Josh doesn't reply by then, he'll go swim for a bit.

'You talked to the ice-cream guy?' Maddy asks, looking at Tyler with a sly smirk. She's never gonna let this go, Tyler thinks and laughs quietly. It’s nice having someone he can be open with about his sexuality.

'No, he's not working today, but I got his co-worker to give me his number,' Tyler summarizes the awkward ordeal in the ice-cream place. Suddenly he hears his phone vibrate and nearly squeals, trying to unlock the screen and failing twice. He can hear Maddy laughing at his eagerness and slows down a bit, realizing how pathetically he’s acting. Finally, he gets the combination right, breath hitching as he opens the text. 

'Hey, Tyler, I remember you. Yeah, I wrote my number on the napkin of your ice cream and when you haven't got back to me, I figured you were either not interested or didn't see it. I'm glad it's the latter. I'm bad at flirting too (as you could see) and I'm sorry if I came on too strong. Of course I'm interested! I'd love to hang out (like a date right?). I volunteer at a camp this weekend and I work late shifts every day next week, but next friday might work. My name's Josh btw if Spence hasn't told you.'

By the time Tyler reads the whole thing he’s grinning like crazy and even if he tried to look serious, he couldn't. It doesn’t even bother him much that he won’t be seeing Josh until next week. He's going out with Josh and that’s more than he expected. 

'Is that him?' Maddy asks, her smile now sincerer. Tyler nods, not trusting himself to speak just yet, feeling like words will break the dream-like feeling and plunge him back to reality. He re-reads the text twice before replying: 'Your flirting's superb, I'm just an idiot who throws away napkins without checking. And yes, I'd love to go on a date with you, I just hope I can convince my parents to lend me the car' 

'What did he say?' Maddy asks with genuine interest, once Tyler puts down his phone.

'He's asked me out,' Tyler replies, trying in vain to hide his blessed smile. Tyler still can't wrap his mind around it — first guy who has ever caught his attention in that way likes him back. 

'Wow, Tyler's got a hot date, never thought I'd see that happening,' Maddy teases with a mischievous smile.

'Hey, what is that supposed to mean?' Tyler frowns, but none of Maddy's teasing could penetrate his shell of happiness.

'I'm kidding. I'm real happy for you, Ty,' Maddy laughs. All of a sudden, coming out to his sister seems like the best decision Tyler's ever made.

'Why am I even hiding? I don't want to hide, I want to run to my mom and tell her I have a date with the cutest guy I've ever laid my eyes on,' Tyler's thoughts start wandering into the territory he's avoided for so long. Tyler always figured that as long as he doesn't date anyone, he doesn't need to come out to his parents, since it changes literally nothing. But what now? It would be so nice to tell everyone the good news, but he doubts his parents would share his enthusiasm. He recalls yesterday's conversation at the dinner table: 'They're confused; it's sad.' Well, Tyler could say the same thing about them.

\---

Next few days go by in a blur of unpacking and assembling furniture and curtain shopping. Moving is stressful, Tyler realizes, but at least Ryan’s there on most days to help them.

Tyler still hasn’t asked his parents for the car on Friday. He needs to find a cover. Some way to convince his parents to let him use the car without telling them why he needs it.

‘And then everybody runs in at the same time, it’s awesome. I fell last year though. Scraped my knee. You gotta be careful, it gets slippery,’ Ryan is describing some UCF tradition. ‘Anyway, I can take you to the campus one day to show you around.’

Zack beams happily at their neighbor: ‘That would be awesome.’

Tyler is barely following the conversation, but something sparks his attention.

‘You have a car?’ Tyler asks, both boys turning towards him.

‘Uhm, yeah, it’s not much but it’s a car. Why?’ Ryan looks at Tyler, confused but polite as ever.

‘I…’ Tyler debates whether he should tell the truth or not. ‘I have a date on Friday and I don’t have a ride, so I was thinking that you could take Zack and me to the City, drop me off and show Zack around.’

Zack looks at him curiously, probably still stuck at ‘I have a date’ part while Ryan slowly nods.

‘Could do that, yeah, if Zack’s fine with it,’ he agrees. Tyler smiles at him. He’s happy with his plan, it’s a solid plan.

‘Yeah, I wanted to go to the City one day anyway,’ Zack agreed, eyes still on Tyler. He looks like he wants to say something, but doesn’t.

‘Great,’ Tyler can’t help but smile. Now he just needs to convince his parents to let them go. They go back to screwing together a drawer from Tyler’s old wardrobe that somehow completely fell apart during the move, but Ryan soon has to leave for dinner.

‘Well, that was fast,’ Zack comments when they’re alone, grinning slightly at Tyler. ‘We’ve only been here for a few days and you’ve got a date?’

Tyler just shrugs shyly. He feels guilty for only telling his brother about it when he needed a favor, but he knows Zack will start asking questions and sooner or later Tyler will slip and say ‘him’ instead of ‘her’.

‘I mean it’s great. At least one of us is getting some. But you have to introduce me to the lucky girl sometime, alright?’ Zack smiles broadly now and pats his brother on the shoulder. Tyler smiles back at him and nods.

‘Sure thing,’ he promises and pushes the repaired drawer into its rightful place.

\---

It’s Wednesday evening, two days to D Day (D as in date) and Tyler’s nervously pacing in the hallway. He’s about to ask for permission to go to the City, the excitement for the date mixing with the dread of talking to his father. He takes a deep breath and steps into the living room.

'Hey, dad, can I, Zack and Ryan go to the City on Friday, so Ryan can show us around,' Tyler asks, seemingly innocent and casual, but dad knows what he means.

'Show you around what?' he answers with a question and Tyler has to fight the urge to roll his eyes. He always does that. Pretends he doesn't know what you’re trying to say so he can coax the admission out of you.

'You know, show us the hang out spots, where students gather,' Tyler tries to evade answering.

'You mean bars and clubs? Maybe some bridges you can get stoned under so no one would notice?' Tyler's dad is getting angry now and Tyler knows exactly what it’s about. His first and only encounter with weed.

'Honey, you're overreacting. Ryan wouldn't do that. He's a good kid,' Tyler's mom decides to intervene, much to Tyler's surprise.

But her husband doesn't give in: 'Brendon was a good kid too.'

Tyler is about to scream in frustration.

***

When they were in senior year, Brendon decided it was time Tyler experienced all the temptation of youth just so he wouldn't make a fool out of himself in college. And that included smoking weed. Brendon told Tyler not to worry about it, that he will get 'the goods' and everything they needed for a blunt. Tyler wasn't so sure he wanted to experience this particular vice. He was always told that weed is the gateway drug and though he knew Brendon smoked it occasionally, but didn't even touch any harder stuff, he was a bit scared. But Brendon has gone out of his way to get everything ready and Tyler didn't want to turn him down. Brendon suggested that they go to a nearby bridge where nobody could find them, but Tyler insisted they stay in the house, since he was in charge of baby-sitting Jay. So they stayed in Tyler's room, opened the window and blazed the expertly rolled blunt that Brendon prepared. Thick smoke filled the air between them and Brendon waved his hand in front of him to disperse it. The smell was sickeningly sweet and too strong, much stronger than that of cigarettes. As the joint was being passed between the two, Tyler coughing less and less with every drag, it was starting to affect them. 

Tyler felt happy, he felt like everyone could be his friend. They were both giggly, laughing at everything and nothing and Tyler didn't regret it at all. There was the slightest part of his brain that was anxiously screaming that he could be easily found out, but once they finished the joint, he couldn't hear it anymore. He couldn't even hear his constant voice of self-doubt anymore. 

His temporary bliss was dissipated, though, when he heard the front door open. How are his parents home? Tyler scrambled to his feet and threw what was left of their blunt out the window. Brendon was still completely oblivious to the sound of the intruder coming up the stairs, watching Tyler with dazed confusion as he started spraying deodorant all over the room. The doors opened and Tyler threw the can of deodorant on the bed. His dad stepped in to Tyler suspiciously standing in the middle of the room and Brendon still splayed on the floor, propped up on his elbows and looking at the door in surprise.

'Oh, shit,' Brendon cursed and Tyler just wanted to kick him in the face.

'What's going on?' Tyler's father asked, his expression stern.

'We're just hanging out,' Tyler tried, but he doubted dad would just let it go.

'Tyler!'

His voice was aggravated, he hated it when Tyler would lie to him. Tyler was afraid of that voice. It was a voice that spoke of punishment and disappointment. He was gonna have to find an explanation soon if he wanted to get out of this.

To Tyler's demise, Brendon decided to jump in: 'Look, Mr. Joseph, it's just weed, it's not a big deal.'

Tyler mentally slapped Brendon. Why did he say that? That might've worked with some more liberal parents but it just confirmed his dad's suspicions.

'Brendon, go home, you've done enough,' Tyler's dad focused on his friend. There was more disappointment than anger in his voice. He sounded hurt even, like Brendon betrayed his trust.

Before Brendon left, he muttered: 'I told you we should go to the bridge. I'm sorry.' Then he ran past Tyler's father and out of the house.

Thanks to Tyler's mom, Brendon wasn't completely cut out of Tyler's life. She really was the rational one of the family. Tyler promised to never let Brendon tempt him again and to steer clear of drugs (he kept both promises). He swore he didn't even like weed (which was a lie). Only then was he allowed to see Brendon again. He was still grounded for three months, though.

***

'Dad, that was one time, it was a mistake, we just want to see the City through the eyes of a fellow student,' Tyler tries to convince his dad.

'Would you rather they get dragged to some sketchy alley the first time they go to a party? Our sons need to socialize. They're new here and need to make friends. And that's how students make friends. They go to parties and they make reckless decisions. But our sons know how to look after themselves. And I trust Ryan,' Tyler's mother steps in and Chris sighs.

'Okay, you can go,' Tyler’s father concludes. Tyler almost squeals with joy.

'But be careful, okay?' his mom adds worriedly. 'You don't know anyone so please hold on to Ryan and don't hesitate to call if you get lost.'

Tyler almost sprints up the stairs and bursts into his room, grinning widely, startling Zack that is listening to music on his bed.

'Well, little brother, we're going to Vegas. And by Vegas I mean Downtown Orlando,' Tyler beams at his brother, who smiles and whoops excitedly.

'I'm just gonna call my, uhm, my date to make plans,' Tyler explains, snatching his phone from the nightstand and going to Maddy's room.

Maddy is lying on her bed, reading that book of hers. Tyler notices she’s nearly finished, despite starting only two days ago. She’s a fast reader.

'Out,' Tyler orders. 'Gotta call my date.'

Maddy smiles playfully, shaking her head: 'Oh, I'm staying. Or mom finds out.'

Tyler's face falls. He knows she wouldn't do that and she’s just curious about her brother's first big date, but Tyler can't help not to feel a tang of anxiety and betrayal. As soon as Maddy sees his expression, her eyes go wide with fear that she might have hurt him.

'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I would never out you. Look, I'm leaving. Good luck with your date,' she apologizes while slowly backing away and out the door, taking the book with her. Tyler opens the door after her to assure her that he's okay, but she’s already gone downstairs. Tyler sighs and locks himself in the silence of the empty room. Searching through the phonebook, his thumb stops on 'Josh'. He thinks about adding a heart after it, but decides against it. They haven't even had a first date yet. His stomach fills with butterflies as he presses the call button.

Josh picks up on the third ring. Tyler grins automatically. Who’s this man to make him so incredibly giddy just by picking up his phone?

'Hey, Tyler here. Sorry it's kinda late, but I can make it of Friday,' Tyler says hurriedly to share the good news as quickly as possible. He hears Josh's soft laughter on the other end of the line and his heart jumps at the sound.

'That's great, Tyler. I can't wait to see you again. I mean I really can't wait. If you couldn't come I might've shown up at your window in the middle of the night,' Josh jokes, but Tyler finds the idea strangely appealing. Josh's beautiful face looking down at him as he opens his eyes, Josh's soft lips catching his gasp of surprise in a heated kiss... Tyler shakes his head to get the intrusive thoughts out of his mind.

'Josh, I live three stories high,' Tyler laughs in response, trying to hide just how bothered Josh's words got him.

'You think that could stop me?' Josh asks, his voice low and raspy, his tone taunting. Tyler feels like all air was knocked out of his lungs, a quiet whimper of surprise escaping his mouth. He didn’t expect the phone call to go this way. He feels a surge of blood to his groin, his face flushing in embarrassment. What the actual hell? Is he really getting so hot and bothered just from a guy's voice? Is he really so sexually frustrated?

'Sorry about that. I really do come on a bit too strong, don’t I?' Josh asks and laughs to ease the tension.

'A bit, yeah. But it's okay, really,' Tyler laughs. They're the polar opposites when it comes to flirting. Josh chuckles quietly, before continuing.

'So, anyway, about tomorrow. Is seven thirty okay with you?' he asks then, completely changing the subject.

'Yeah, that’d be great. Where should we meet?' Tyler asks. That’s a bit of a problem. Tyler doesn't know the first thing about Orlando.

'Uhm, do you know Frank & Stein's?' Josh inquires, evident from his voice that he doubts that. 'It's a bar, but honestly, the food is so good there.'

'No, I just moved here, like last week. But I'm coming there with my neighbor, he might know. I kinda told my parents he's going to show us some student friendly clubs and stuff, 'cause they wouldn't let me out by myself,' Tyler answers awkwardly, hoping that doesn't sound too weird. He's nineteen for God's sake and he has to lie to his parents to go on a date.

'Tell him to drop you off at Backbooth. He def knows where that is if he's a student,' Josh proposes, ignoring Tyler's confession, much to Tyler's relief.

'Will do. See you then, kay?' Tyler agrees, his heart fluttering once again, his mind still unable to wrap itself around the fact that this is really happening. Talking to Josh seems so easy. Tyler is not used to the feeling. He’s nervous, sure, but also relaxed, not overthinking what he's gonna say, not afraid of being judged.

'Mhm, can't wait,' Josh replies dreamily and after they say their goodbyes Tyler reluctantly hangs up. He runs back into his room startling Zack again.

'I texted Ryan. He wants to know when,' Zack explains, taking his phone in his hands, presumably to text Ryan.

'We should be there at seven thirty,' Tyler says happily, throwing himself on the bed and smiling at the ceiling.

‘Wow, she’s got you good,’ Zack comments mockingly, barely suppressing his laughter.

‘Shut up,’ Tyler retorts and chucks his phone at his brother, mostly to distract him from his blushing face.

Zack types up a text and mutters something about eagerness. Tyler huffs. Zack would be just as eager if he were in Tyler's shoes.


	4. Everything about you is so easy to love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Josh finally go on their first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Bliss by Muse.

That night Tyler barely closes his eyes. His thoughts rush from thinking about Josh to deciding what he'll wear to realizing there's like a thousand ways he could screw this up. It's five thirty when Tyler starts getting ready, an hour until they leave. He takes out his best black skinny jeans and a simple but elegant white button up short sleeved shirt with a pale floral pattern. It occurs to him that Josh has already seen him shirtless in colorful and slightly faded swimming shorts so the first impression already gave away 'questionable fashion sense'.

Finally, it's six thirty and Tyler and Zack say goodbye to their parents. Outside Ryan is already waiting for them in his car, a beaten down Honda, with windows rolled down. It could almost look badass if it weren't for the awful shade of light yellow, one that can only be described as 'diluted piss'. But a car's a car nonetheless and Tyler isn't about to protest a free ride.

'Hi, fellas,' Ryan greets the approaching duo. 'Hop in.'

Tyler takes the passenger seat while Zack sits in the back and they're on their way towards downtown. Tyler finally takes the time to text Brendon: 'Got a hot date tonight ;)'. He didn't want to say anything in case his cover didn't work out.

It doesn't take long for Brendon to respond: 'the ice cream boy?' followed by a winking emoji and an ice cream cone.

'Yeah. His name is Josh btw :D' Tyler writes back and smiles to himself. For once he is the one telling Brendon about his date and not the other way around.

Brendon sends back 'you go girl' with a string of undecipherable emojis that clearly convey his excitement.

By then they're on the two-lane road to downtown Orlando and Ryan is talking about the main neighborhoods of the city, about its many lakes and theme parks. Zack is listening closely, but Tyler's mind is drifting to the evening ahead of him. His stomach's filled with nervous butterflies and Tyler starts to realize that he's afraid of being rejected. Maybe not now, maybe years from now, maybe once Josh finds out how messed up Tyler is, he won't want him anymore. Dark thoughts fill Tyler's mind. He feels a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Zack is gently squeezing, calling him from whatever dark place his mind wandered in, while still keeping his conversation with Ryan going. Besides Brendon, Zack is the one person who always feels the shifts in Tyler's moods. Tyler glances back at Zack and smiles reassuringly at him, saying a silent thank you. Zack smiles back and asks Ryan something about SeaWorld.

'It's awesome. If you like adrenaline, there's some coasters and if you don't, you can just look at the fish. It's quite interesting actually,' Ryan answers.

'Hey, Tyler, where should I drop you off?' he asks then, noticing Tyler is paying attention for a change.

'There's this place called Backbooth? She said you should know it,' Tyler explains, hoping Ryan does indeed know the place.

'She's taking you to Backbooth?' Ryan asks in disbelief. Well, he obviously knows the place.

'No, I don't think so. Why?' Tyler asks, surprised at Ryan's reaction.

'That place's bad news. It's the kind of place you'd go to find a hook-up or your next fix. But yeah, I know it. Everyone does. It's got music and cheap booze, what more does a student need?' Ryan explains.

'Noted,' Tyler murmurs, not sure whether Ryan's overreacting or it's really that bad. Zack reverts the conversation back to SeaWorld and Ryan's favorite fish (clownfish, apparently, because Ryan always loved the circus).

They've been driving through the city center for a few minutes when Ryan announces: 'We're here.'

They're in a sketchy alley full of mostly young people and Tyler thinks for a second that he might be going on a date with a serial killer or a drug dealer, but the idea of Josh stabbing a helpless girl in a back alley seems so absurd it just made him laugh.

'Good luck,' Zack wishes. 'Keep your phone close so we can arrange our way back.'

Tyler murmurs a quick thank you to both, Zack and Ryan, and steps out of the car. He checks the time as they drive away. 7.27. He thinks of just waiting for Josh to show up, but the alley is crowded, so he decides to text him: 'I'm here.'

The reply comes before Tyler can turn off the screen: 'Me too.'

Tyler's heart leaps. He looks around, vigorously searching for his date. And then he sees him across the street. He's wearing ripped jeans, a grey NASA T-shirt and a leather jacket. A backwards turned snapback is nestled in his pink curls and he's beaming as wide as Tyler must be in that moment. Tyler forgets all his earlier doubts. The boy he's seeing in front of him would never hurt him.

'Let's go,' Josh says once he's on Tyler's side of the road and takes his date's hand in his own.

\---

Tyler hasn't stopped smiling since Josh took his hand in his own. He never held hands before, except with his parents and siblings. It weirds him out how such a simple thing could feel so special to him. It probably means nothing to Josh, though. Tyler doesn't really know Josh's dating history. He dismisses the idea. He doesn't want to worry about Josh's exes while on a date with him.

They are walking through the winding streets of Orlando and Tyler is almost sure he wouldn't be able to find his way back to Backbooth on his own. Mostly because he isn't paying attention. But who can blame him. There's a hot guy holding his hand and leading him towards their date.

'I'm so glad you could make it,' Josh says once they were out of the crowd. Tyler is already melting at his words. At this rate he's gonna be a puddle at the end of the date.

'Me too,' Tyler nods and smiles even wider. Josh gently squeezes his hand as he smiles back.

Josh stops then and motions to a bar on the other side of the road. The sign reads Frank & Stein's, their destination. It looks welcoming and cozy, warm glowing light escaping through the windows.

Once they step inside, Josh leads Tyler straight to the stairs and up to the second floor. There are less people upstairs and the lights are dimmer, it's altogether more intimate, though it still has a vibe of a place where a group of newspaper editors in their thirties would come for a drink during happy hour. They sit down at a table for two near the staircase.

'It's not much, but it's Friday night and most of the fancy restaurants I can afford are full,' Josh apologizes.

'Are you kidding me? I love this place,' Tyler admits. He isn't too keen on bars, but this isn't some godforsaken shithole, it looks sophisticated enough for Tyler to feel safe and relaxed.

'Wait 'til you try their giant pretzel,' Josh agrees excitedly. And indeed, when Tyler opens the food menu, he sees a picture of a giant pretzel with three glasses of beer in its holes. He thinks about ordering it, but decides against it, settling instead for a chicken burger and a glass of diet coke. Waiter comes and leaves with their order, Josh going for a tuna fish tortilla and a can of red bull.

'So, Tyler, where did you move from?' Josh asks then. An easy and innocent question for the beginning.

'Columbus, Ohio,' Tyler answers. 'My dad got a better job here so we moved.'

Josh nods: 'That must suck. I've never moved but it must be hard. Leaving everything behind and starting anew. I'm glad the Duns have been in one place for generations.'

'The Duns? As in Bill Dun?' Tyler blurts out before he can stop himself.

'How do you know my dad?' Josh asks, his brow furrowed.

Shit, Tyler thinks. Now Josh will find out about his stalking and leave. What a long-lived relationship this was. He tries to think of a cover story, something to explain his knowledge of Josh's father, but comes up blank.

'Well, after I realized I might've lost your number I kinda googled Bill's Ice Cream Palace hoping to find some info, but all I found was this shitty website that mentioned your dad,' Tyler explains hurriedly, looking at the ground, scared of Josh's reaction.

He hears Josh's laughter and glances up to see his grinning face, his tongue between his teeth and it's such a beautiful sight, especially when Tyler expected an angry frown.

'Hey, I designed that website,' Josh protests, but he doesn't seem offended. Of course, pink website, pink hair.

'Well, you need to update it and that's a terrible shade of pink,' Tyler reviews the site and Josh laughs again.

'Will do, but that's a perfectly adequate shade of pink,' Josh defends and then suddenly his face is serious, though still smiling.

'Wow, you really googled my workplace trying to find me? I must have the same effect on you as you have on me,' he concludes, looking at Tyler in awe, the look of someone in love staring at the object of their desire. Tyler's heart is racing. This is serious, it isn't just a one-time date. It's clear from Josh's expression that he wants this to continue.

'You do,' Tyler answers, not sure how he managed to produce words that made sense.

Their moment is interrupted by the waiter bringing them their drinks. He senses the tension between the boys and thinks about leaving, but then Josh smiles politely at him, so he quickly unloads the tray and hurries downstairs.

'So, you've got a brother and a sister, I presume,' Josh starts a new conversation. Tyler thought the atmosphere would be heavier after their declaration of mutual affection, but he only feels more at ease now that he knows how strongly Josh feels towards him.

Tyler takes a sip of his coke and starts talking about his family, prompting Josh to do the same. He learns Josh has two sisters and a brother, all younger, and that he's been working at his father's for a few years now, a deal he made with his parents to let him move out when he wanted to. Last summer he's finally rented an apartment near the Camus of UCF where he lives on his own, using his ice cream shop salary to pay for the rent.

He then goes on to talk about his psychology course. Josh wants to work with teens with mental issues when he finishes his degree. He believes the subject of mental illness is not presented to kids and teens in the right way, the stigma around anxiety and depression preventing teens from reaching for help. Tyler only falls further in love, listening to Josh talk about his passions. Not only is Josh gorgeous and funny, he's socially aware and creative.

'That's amazing. And now I'm going to seem like a total dick for saying I just want to finish my programming degree and get a boring job at the IT department of some random firm,' Tyler admits. He's gotten into programming, because 'that's where the future is'. He likes it well enough, but seeing the passion Josh has for his studies has made him feel a bit bad about it.

'That's important. Technology is becoming an ever more significant part of our lives and we must harness as much as we can out of it,' Josh says with a smile. Tyler huffs and shakes his head. Josh is such a sweet-talker.

Their food arrives then, just as Josh asks the dreaded question: 'So you going to UCF next year or what?'

Tyler stops in his tracks, burger in his hands. He slowly puts the burger back down and his cautious reaction makes Josh lower his fork too.

'Uhm, actually, I was planning on going back to Ohio. I've already got one year down and a dorm room and everything, plus I gotta be there to show the house to the buyers,' Tyler explains. He can't help but to feel bad, feel like he's already revealed the inevitable end of their relationship.

'Oh,' Josh frowns and his face falls. Tyler decides he'll try to do anything to never see that face again. Josh forces out a smile, still charming but obviously fake.

'Well, that's good, we still have the whole summer,' Josh concludes and moves on to a happier theme.

\---

After they finish their dinner which was, Tyler has to admit, a lot better than he expected, Josh reaches for Tyler's hand across the table.

'Come, I want to take you on a romantic walk by the lake,' he says dreamily, running his thumb over Tyler's knuckles. Tyler blushes at the action and nods enthusiastically. He never considered himself much of a romantic, but the prospect of getting to hold hands with Josh and watching the sunset over a lake together brings a smile to his face.

'I'd love that,' Tyler chimes and they leave, Josh stopping at the bar to pay for dinner, dismissing Tyler's nagging to let him pay.

'You already bought me ice cream. You said I'd repay you some other time. Let me pay,' Tyler pleads. He hates the feeling of owning someone anything.

'Next time,' Josh agrees with a smile. Tyler's heart jumps at the idea of next time.

'You want there to be a next time?' Tyler asks hopefully. His heart is racing and though he's sure Josh will say yes, he still fears Josh's answer.

Josh turns away from the bar while the bartender is counting the change and nods.

'Don't you?' he asks; he seems almost concerned. Tyler nods frantically.

'I can't wait,' he admits and Josh smiles back at him, his blessed grin, completely ignoring the waiter handing him money.

'Me too,' Josh answers and finally reverts his attention back to the bartender and thanks him. Hand in hand they leave the bar and turn left. It had already gotten darker outside, the streetlights are illuminating the sidewalk.

'So the thing is,' Tyler starts. He doesn't want to think about this but he had to get things straight. 'I'm not out to my parents, yet. In fact, the only people who know I'm gay are my best friend and my sister.'

Tyler's voice is insecure. He's afraid Josh might think Tyler's ashamed of who he is, which is in no way true. He's just scare. Josh squeezes his hand reassuringly.

'Hey, that's okay. It's a big step and there's no rush. I only told my parents once I had my own place so I could get away if they rejected me. I know how it feels to be closeted,' he comforts. Tyler is blown away by the connection he feels to Josh. This guy is absolutely stunning and the nicest person ever and he's into him? A voice at the back of his mind is telling him that this was all part of some sick joke, that it's too good to be true. A louder part of his brain is just screaming excitedly at the thought of Josh's hand on his.

'I just wanted to clear up why going on dates might be a problem for me. They won't let me out without a reason and if I tell them I have a date, they'll surely want to meet 'her',' Tyler makes a quotation sign with his right hand.

'I understand, Tyler. We'll make the most of what we've got and we'll skype or facetime or text and if you ever decide to tell them and they kick you out or make you feel unwelcome, you can just come and live at mine,' Josh comforts with his unbound amount of optimism. His thumb is gently running over the back of Tyler's hand. Tyler can just nod and smile, he doesn't trust his voice in case an unplanned love proclamation would escape.

They continue in comfortable silence until they turn the corner and a sigh of admiration escapes Tyler's mouth. In front of him is a large park, a patch of green in-between the gray buildings, and in the center of the park is a big lake, water shining softly through the trees, illuminated by the setting sun.

'It's pretty, isn't it?' Josh asks, looking over at Tyler and he nods in awe. They make their way across the street and into the park. Palm trees are lining the cobblestone path and Tyler notices there's a fountain in the middle of the lake. They stop, eventually, at the group of benches. Most are occupied, some by families, some by friends, some by couples and one by two boys holding hands. Tyler hopes he and Josh look as cute as them.

They sit down on the leftmost bench, wooden planks hard against their backs. It isn't the most comfortable bench, but when Josh pulls Tyler against him, almost onto him, and gently lays his head on his shoulder, Tyler sighs contently. He could be on the most uncomfortable bench in the world and feel content if Josh were with him.

'This place is beautiful,' Tyler comments, watching over the lake at the sun's silvery threads playing on the surface.

'Yeah, it is,' Josh agrees. 'Because you're here.'

Tyler groans in response and feels Josh's laugh shake his body.

'That was so cheesy,' Tyler complains.

'Yeah, but it's true,' Josh admits, making him blush.

'You're cute when you get flustered,' Josh comments and Tyler blushes even more fiercely. He lifts his head to look at Josh. Tyler knows Josh didn't mean it, he's just saying that as a compliment. Tyler gets all awkward and splotchy when he's flustered, nothing anyone would find particularly hot or sexy.

'I mean it,' Josh insists, seeing the sad smile Tyler is giving him. 'You get so shy and your cheeks get darker, despite your tan. It makes you look so innocent and beautiful.'

Wow. Tyler is doubtlessly getting even more flustered, but this time he sees Josh's tongue-between-teeth smile in return and decides he doesn't really mind blushing if this is the reaction he gets to see.

'And you look so lovely smiling like that. With your tongue between your teeth,' Tyler repays the compliments. Josh smiles even wider, but then his eyes narrow and his smile becomes more of a sly grin.

'I would like to put my tongue between your teeth for a change,' he says teasingly, his voice low and dark. Tyler's eyes widen. By now he could've gotten used to Josh's strangely smooth way of flirting but he hopes he never does. He wants to feel the rush of blood and loss of breath every time Josh tries to make a pass at him.

Slowly, making sure he's reading it right, Josh moves his head towards Tyler's, locking eyes with his wide, pupils-dilated gaze. Their lips touch gently and then Josh's tongue was nudging Tyler's lips apart. Tyler's heart is racing, his mind is racing, not stopping for a millisecond on a particular thought. And then he's parting his lips, letting Josh's tongue in, the pressure moving his own tongue into Josh's mouth and it tastes good. It doesn't taste of anything in particular, but it's good, because it's Josh. Josh puts a hand on Tyler's cheek and reluctantly retracts his tongue back into his own mouth, his teeth lingering on Tyler's bottom lip before letting it go so they can catch a breath. That was all Tyler can do, though, before Josh tilts his chin with his hand and connects their lips again.

This time, Tyler feels calmer, more relaxed, his mind isn't racing anymore, it's instead focused on a single thought: 'I want to do this again'. Despite the chilly evening, Tyler feels warm inside, as cheesy as that sounds to him. But then Josh's mouth moves away and Tyler opens his eyes, realizing just then that he had them closed. Josh is smiling gently at him.

'Wow,' Tyler sighs and looks around. It's slowly creeping onto him that he just kissed a guy in public and that people are staring. He catches a glimpse of the two boys that were holding hands earlier. They're looking at them, smiling encouragingly. Tyler smiles back.

'Hey, we should do that again sometime,' Josh suggested, smirking slightly.

'Yeah, we should' Tyler agrees, still slightly out of breath. Josh gives Tyler another quick peck and rests his forehead against Tyler's. They stay like that for a few seconds, Tyler letting his mind go blank and just stare into Josh's bright brown eyes. Josh giggles quietly and Tyler follows suit. He can't remember hearing himself laugh that way before; it isn't the laugh he'd produce because of something funny Brendon said, that's a different laugh. This is the laugh of happiness, of carefreeness, of being in love. It's a giddy giggle that escapes your lips when you're too busy wondering what good deed you've done to deserve the person standing in front of you. It's a new sound for Tyler and he loves the way it makes him feel.

\---

Time is flowing by for Tyler as he's cuddled up to Josh's chest, talking about music and family and ice cream. But then his phone vibrates and Tyler knows what that means. He takes the phone out of his pocket. A message from Zack: 'We should head home if you're ready. Mom will be worried if we're out in the dark you know how she is'

Yes, Tyler knows how she is. It's embarrassing for a twenty-year-old to have a curfew and though they didn't set a specific time, Tyler knows that if they+re too late, he'll have to endure a shitstorm of lectures.

'What is it?' Josh asks worriedly after seeing Tyler's face fall.

'I'm gonna have to go soon,' Tyler explains quietly. 'Overbearing parents.'

Josh nods, his expression neither sad or happy, just accepting.

'Sure. You have a ride home?' Josh asks and Tyler nods, quickly dismissing the idea of having Josh drive him home. Mom would freak if Zack and Ryan got home without him.

'I'll text Zack to come get me,' Tyler suggests and writes back a quick text. Josh stands up, holding out a hand for Tyler and Tyler takes it, sending a quick glance over the lake that's a lot more eerie now that the sun's gone down. They leave the park in comfortable silence, but there's a hint of sadness between them, like something good is coming to an end and whatever follows will inevitably be worse.

'We'll message and we'll call and we'll see each other again eventually, okay?' Josh voices Tyler's silent worries. Tyler nods and mumbles a quiet 'I know'. Josh squeezes Tyler's hand reassuringly, making him smile. The reminder that he's holding hands with the ice-cream boy is enough to chase his fears away. Fears that one day Josh will slip through his fingers while he's held up at home or studying on the other side of the country. Right now his fingers are intertwined with Josh's and nothing could slip through them.

Once they're starting to approach Backbooth, where Zack and Ryan are to pick him up, Tyler suddenly stops, pulling Josh to a stop too. Josh looks around in confusion. Tyler's throat tightens. He doesn't want to let go of Josh, make him think that he's ashamed, but he can't have Zack see him holding hands with a boy.

'I'm so sorry, but Zack's coming to pick me up and I'm not out yet, so...' Tyler starts, looking at his feet and chewing on his lip.

'Yeah, I get it,' Josh assures Tyler before he can even finish the sentence. He lets go of Tyler's hand and instead brings it to his face, tilting it so that they're looking into each other's eyes.

'As long as I see you again, I don't care. Take your time, you can't rush acceptance,' Josh explains, smiling softly at Tyler. Tyler grins back, not even caring to hide how happy Josh's words made him.

Josh reluctantly lets go when Tyler's phone buzzes in his pocket.

'That would be Zack,' Tyler explains with a sigh and Josh nods.

'See you soon, 'kay?' Josh asks, eyebrow slightly raised in question.

'Yeah, of course. I really had fun tonight,' Tyler answers, hoping it doesn't sound to formal.

'Me too,' Josh replies with a sincere smile and leans down to peck Tyler's lips. The action feels so natural to Tyler, like this is something they’re meant to be doing their whole lives, but have just now realized.

With a soft, almost whispered goodbye Josh turns around and disappears into the crowd. Tyler's brain is just now starting to comprehend that he has just been on his first proper date. He stands there for a few seconds, waiting for his heart to stop racing before he too turns around and heads for Backbooth and the piss-yellow car waiting in front of it.

\---

Tyler wakes up in an empty room to four messages and one missed call. He's unfamiliar with the feeling. On a normal day it's big if he gets a single message from his mom.

Three messages and a call from Brendon, one message from Josh. His heart skips a beat when he opens it, expecting the worst, but hoping for the best.

'Just wanted to make sure you've come home safe ^.^ I had a lot of fun today. Sorry if you were already asleep, didn't mean to wake you up :)'

Tyler can't help the wide smile on his lips. As much as he's trying to fight against it, to wake up that part of the brain that's in charge of thinking things through, Tyler knows he's falling in love. He knows he shouldn't be, not yet, not here, where they might have no future ahead. He should've kept away, explain to Josh that right now, he's not looking for anything. He shouldn't have gone around asking for him, so obviously desperate. But he's so damn glad he did. His heart's happy, a sight so rare his brain is just going along with it, anxiety and sadness shushing each other and taking a well-deserved break.

'Yeah, everything was fine. I had a great time yesterday too. 10/10 would do it again ;) I was asleep but you didn't wake me up, sorry if it looked like I ignored you' Tyler writes quickly.

He considers changing the winky face into a normal smiling one, but decides that he can afford to try to be flirty now that he's almost sure this isn't a joke. He hits send, still a bit nervous over the risque emoticon.

Time for Brendon's messages. Tyler sighs at Brendon's persistence to get in touch, though he guesses the call was more for dramatic effect. But that's why he loves Brendon - he's so completely over the top at everything.

'sooooo how did it go? tell me everything. is he hot outside of his uniform too? is he nice? does he have a friend?'

'goddamn it tyler answer me. you didn't already go to sleep. omg did he kidnap you? i'm going to call you. say 'hi brendon my best friend' if you're kidnapped. i knew he was too good to be true'

'pick up your phone tyler. whats going on? ARE YOU HAVING SEX? is that why your ignoring me? if thats the case: go you! if not: answer me!'

Tyler laughs when he reads through. He knows Brendon well enough not to take this too seriously. He looks at the time. 8.16 a.m. Brendon is still asleep, for sure. Tyler giggles as he presses the call button. After half a minute of ringing Brendon finally picks up.

'Huh?' he asks groggily, clearly just having woken up.

'Hi, Brendon, my best friend,' Tyler quotes Brendon's text, trying to sound serious.

'Fuck you, Tyler,' Brendon snaps, but there's a hint of laughter in his voice. Before Tyler can reply, Brendon continues: 'So is he a good fuck?'

Tyler gulps loudly and forces back a cough. He thinks back to the texts Brendon sent him.

'God, Brendon, I didn't have sex with him,' Tyler deadpans.

'Why not?' Brendon asks with genuine surprise.

'It was our first date, for god's sakes,' Tyler tries to explain, still in shock from Brendon's question.

'So why didn't you answer your phone?' Brendon asks, but he doesn't seem angry, more curious.

'I was sleeping,' Tyler explains simply.

Brendon huffs: 'At eleven?' he asks in disbelief.

'Sorry. I was tired and overwhelmed,' Tyler apologizes. It's true. As soon as he arrived home, he got ready for bed, partly because he was exhausted and partly because he wanted peace to relive his date in his head again.

'Whatever. So how'd it go?' Brendon changes the subject, much to Tyler's relief. He sounds a bit disappointed, like he was really hoping for a juicy story, but got the boring truth instead.

'He's so nice, Brendon, you have no idea. He took me to dinner and then we went for a walk next to this lake in a park and we sat down on a bench and we talked and he's the nicest person ever. And then we kissed...' Tyler starts to go through his memories.

'Is he a good kisser? That's the next best thing to being a good fuck,' Brendon comments, making Tyler blush again, just as his skin cooled down from his previous comment.

'God, Brendon, do you ever think about anything but sex?' Tyler snorts. He knows Brendon is only teasing him, knowing Tyler's as innocent as twenty-year-olds can be. 'But to answer your question - yes he is.'

Tyler relives the kiss, the way Josh's tongue forced his lips apart, the friction of their tongues brushing together, the way Josh pulled him back in the second time.

'Awesome. So you've got the second date set up?' Brendon asks then.

'We don't have a specific day, but we agreed to see each other again,' Tyler explains, getting a hum of approval from Brendon.

'So where do you plan on taking him? You don't really know the area that well,' Brendon inquires, taking Tyler by surprise. He didn't even think about that.

'Uhm... I was thinking of letting him plan it,' Tyler answers awkwardly.

'No, you can't! You can't let your man do all the work.' Brendon exclaims.

Tyler sighs loudly. He has no idea what to do for their date. He might have to ask Ryan for advice. His train of thought gets interrupted by Zack walking in with a croissant in his mouth and fetching his laptop from the desk, smiling softly at Tyler still in his bed before leaving. Tyler realizes how very hungry he is, his stomach grumbling loudly to remind him.

'I'll think about it. I gotta go now. I'll keep you updated,' Tyler says goodbye to his friend while climbing out of bed.

'Sure. Thanks for waking me up,' Brendon answers sarcastically, making Tyler giggle.

'My pleasure,' Tyler replies and ends the call. Croissants are waiting downstairs, just the thought of breakfast making Tyler smile.


	5. When all the worst we fear, lets fall its weight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler plans his next date with Josh, but there's something he needs to do first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Be by Hozier.

Tyler is lost in thought, staring at his brother. Zack is reading a book, completely cut off from his surroundings. There were countless times Tyler wanted to come out to his brother, especially in the last two weeks since he met Josh. It isn't that he doesn't trust Zack. He’s afraid of losing him. He’s afraid of seeing disgust in his brother's eyes, no matter how unlikely that seems. When Brendon brought a guy to one of their hangouts, Zack seemed perfectly fine with it. But would things be different if his own brother did the same? Tyler doesn't want to lie to Zack, make up an imaginary girlfriend just to fool his brother. But right now the only other option is to cut him out of the loop of Tyler's dating life. And Tyler knows Zack would be hurt. Oversharing your dating life is one of the most exciting brotherly thongs to do.

'Do you have any ideas for my second date with Jackie?' Tyler blurts out. Talking about his love life with his brother will heighten the chances of slipping up and saying 'him' instead of 'her', but it's better than pushing his brother away.

'Uhm... Do a mixture of romantic and fun. A dinner and a movie, but less cliché. Like a walk on the beach and bowling,' Zack suggests, clearly happy that his brother confided in him.

Bowling. Tyler likes that idea. It provides just the right amount of competitive spirit and an excuse for excessive touching.

'Ryan showed you any good bowling alleys?' Tyler asks hopefully, but Zack shook his head.

'Ask him,' Zack suggests. 'Or just google it.'

Tyler decides on the former. He'd rather have a local recommend a small and cozy kid-free bowling alley that having to search through corporate chain alleys advertising 'bowling birthday parties for you and your friends - birthday cake included'.

'Tyler! Come down!' a voice booms from downstairs. Tyler groans and rolls off his bed dramatically. Better to not leave his father waiting.

'Good luck,' Zack murmurs sympathetically. Tyler gives him a sad smile back and heads downstairs.

'Yes, dad?' he asks, finding his father in the living room.

'I have a meeting in an hour. A technician came to set up our internet and cable so make sure he gets everything he needs and help him if he asks you to,' Tyler's father orders, gesturing to the man setting up a modem in the corner of the living room.

'Of course,' Tyler nods. 'Good luck at your meeting.'

Tyler's father smiles proudly at his son and leaves the room. Tyler is now alone with a stranger, but he bites the anxiety back.

'Hi, do you need anything to drink, eat, any help?' Tyler asks quietly and steps towards the man in the corner. He expects this to be more of his father's doing that the technician’s - his father just wanted to be polite and respectful so he ordered Tyler to help the man out. He was probably gonna end up watching the technician do his work until he gets uncomfortable and orders Tyler to go away.

'Nah, I'm fine, kiddo, I'll call ya if I need anything, 'key?' the technician says, smiling warmly. Tyler nods.

In the next hour and a half it takes to set everything up, Tyler has to hold a cable twice, check the lights on modem three times and help the man to a glass of water at the end.

'Thank you, kiddo, you did great,' he technician comments when Tyler hands him the glass. 'You just moved here, I gather?'

Tyler nods: ‘Two weeks ago, from Ohio.'

'How do you like it so far? A bit hotter than up north, huh?' the technician continues, laughing a bit to himself as if he's said something witty. Tyler has to force himself not to roll his eyes. Yeah, weather tends to get hotter when you go south on the northern hemisphere, is that such a hard concept to grasp?

'It's nice, a bit warmer, the beach is nice,' Tyler answers instead. The boys are nice too but that's not something he'd share with a stranger.

'You been to SeaWorld? Probably not. It's a great place, SeaWorld. I used to work there as a student. Fed the fish. It was such a better job than this,' the worker starts reminiscing on his past and Tyler prays he won't have to hear his whole life story.

'No, I've never been,' Tyler comments and the technician nods sagely.

'You should go. But it's changed so much since I was a kid. It's not even about the fish anymore, it's all roller coasters and all that. The fish are just decoration now,' the man continues strangely sad about the social status of SeaWorld fish. Tyler is starting to get a bit creeped out, but the technician is friendly if a little weird and honestly, it kinda makes Tyler want to see what this roller coasters and fish paradise is all about.

'Uhm... Do you need anything else? Otherwise I got this thing I gotta do...' Tyler starts, trying to get out of the awkward conversation.

'Sure thing, kiddo, take care. Your father already paid me so I'll just see myself out,' the man sets the glass on the table and stands up.

'And if you ever go to SeaWorld, say hi to the fish for me,' he adds with a wink and leaves to pack up his toolbox.

'Will do,' Tyler calls behind him and heads upstairs.

\---

'So, kids,' Tyler's mom says at dinner the next day. It’s the voice she uses to call to conversation about future family plans, like the pastor at the end of the ceremony. Tyler expects it to be some sort of chore division plan for the next week or something equally boring, merely glancing at his mum to let her know he's listening.

'Your father and I are going away this weekend,' she continues, suddenly grabbing Tyler's full attention. 'His team is having a get together and they invited us with them so they can get to know their new assistant coach.'

Tyler is trying so hard not to let his excitement show, but all he can think of was that he cannot let this chance pass.

'You'll each be getting a list of chores and Tyler, you're in charge of feeding your siblings,' Tyler's mom continues and eyes her suddenly enthusiastic son suspiciously. Tyler nods cheerfully. Takeout and pizza delivery it is.

'And we'll be leaving a car here in case of emergency. If anything goes wrong, don't hesitate to contact us,' Tyler's mother adds. Tyler's heart is racing, his mind already making plans for the weekend, his head dizzy with excitement. He even has a car, it was like God took pity on him and his miserable love life.

Tyler feels a sudden movement along his leg. He looks up to see Zack winking at him. Suddenly, the happy giddy feeling leaves and Tyler feels a pang of guilt. Zack is still thinking Tyler is going on a date with Jackie, his new girlfriend. Even Maddy and Jay know. The idea of coming out invades Tyler's mind again. He hates lying to his brother so much, but then again, he'd rather live a lie than lose him to the truth. It was an ongoing battle that only had one outcome: one way or the other, sooner or later, Zack's gonna find out. And if Tyler knows one thing is that keeping a secret will hurt Zack more than Tyler's choice of lovers. Tyler just isn't ready to tell him yet.

It’s Tyler's turn to put away the dishes, but for once, he doesn't complain. It gives him the few minutes of alone time he needs. Taking out his phone he decides to try to call Ryan to get some advice about Orlando's romantic sights. No one picks up. Tyler sighs. Instead he finds Josh's number and writes a message. He guesses it’s as good a time as any to check if Josh is actually free this weekend.

'Hey, good news :D my parents are going away this weekend so I should be able to take you out. If you're free that is. Let me know'

Tyler's phone vibrates while he was in the middle of putting the plates in the dishwasher and he forces himself to finish the chore before checking Josh's answer.

'That's awesome :D I'm always free for you baby. See ya this weekend. Can't wait'

Tyler's heart jumps at the nickname Josh uses. He's never been called a cute romantic nickname before. It’s cheesy as it can be, but Tyler doesn't care. It makes him feel special.

\---

Tyler wakes up to the sound of a lawnmower. Of course. The one thing his father couldn't leave Columbus without is his trusty lawnmower. Mowing Joseph family lawn since 1995. It’s old and it’s loud, but it’s still working. Tyler's dad tried to replace it once but the new one broke the blades the first time it was used and Chris swore to never try to replace the old chap again as long as it worked.

Right now, though, Tyler is about to go outside and brake it himself. Zack is still asleep so it must be quite early. Tyler checks his phone: 7.17. After tossing and turning for a few more minutes Tyler decides he might as well get up. He marches downstairs, ready to have a few words about appropriate mowing hours with his father. He enters the kitchen and stops in his tracks. His dad is right there, drinking his coffee and most importantly, not outside mowing the lawn.

'Good morning, Tyler. Slept well?' Tyler's father asks, smiling warmly at his son.

'Morning. The lawnmower woke me up,' Tyler mumbles and helps himself to a bowl and a box of cereal. 'Who's mowing anyway?'

'Oh, that's Ryan. What a nice kid, waking up early and helping out his father,' Tyler's dead says in a jokingly condescending voice that Tyler isn't ready for this early in the morning. He suppresses an eye-roll and silently digs into his cereal.

'I'm kidding,' Tyler's father adds when he sees Tyler's lack of reaction. 'You know I appreciate everything you and your siblings do for us. You've helped us so much with the move. And thank you for coming down here with us. I know you wanted to stay in Ohio until college started.'

'It's okay. I like it here. I promise I'll visit often when I start college again,' Tyler replies. His father's words caught him by surprise. Of course he knows his parents are thankful but he didn't expect his father to say it in such a heartfelt and casual way. But of course there’s another reason for frequent visits. Long distance relationships have a tendency to fall apart. Tyler knows that. But those are thoughts for late August nights and it’s only July now.

'That would be nice. Your mom and I will miss you very much,' Chris agrees with a sad smile.

'Let's not think about that,' he adds and leaves to go find his wife who’s calling him from upstairs.

Tyler slowly eats the cereal and then steps outside to see if Ryan is still there. The noise of the lawnmower has stopped, but it’s worth a shot.

Indeed, Ryan is emptying the container with grass into a trash can. He waves at Tyler when he sees him so Tyler steps closer.

'Sorry, did I wake you?' Ryan asks, a bit concerned. Tyler nods, but quickly adds: 'It's okay. At least I feel productive being up this early.'

Ryan smiles and puts the container back on the ground.

'Sorry about that, it's just that it gets hot very early in the morning these days so you have to get up even earlier if you want to do anything physical outside. By the way I saw you called me yesterday,' Ryan apologizes again.

'Don't worry about it, it's nice that you're helping your dad out. And I have to ask you some things about Orlando,' Tyler explains. Ryan nods.

'Sure. Come on in. I'll just put this away,' he motions to the lawnmower. Tyler walks around the fence and waits for Ryan to return from the small shed at the back of the lawn he just now notices.

Ryan leads Tyler into the kitchen area where Ryan's mother is eating her breakfast.

'Hey, ma, Tyler's here,' he announces as she doesn't seem to notice them. She looks up and smiles though it seems a bit forced. She seems old, not so much physically, more so tired old.

'Hi, Tyler, nice to meet you,' she greets, her voice rough and quiet, like she hasn't been speaking for a while.

'Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Ross,' Tyler greets back with a polite smile and Ryan's mother nods, but stays quiet. It seems like she isn't much for conversation.

'We'll be upstairs,' Ryan informs his mother and leads Tyler up the stairs and into a small hallway, lined with several doors. He opens one of them and Tyler steps into Ryan's room.

The first thing Tyler notices is a big cross on the wall. It isn't a small ornament people put on their walls because they bought it as a souvenir on a pilgrimage. It was put there with intention, meant to be seen. Underneath it is a small table with a white cloth and on the table there’s a worn out pocket bible. It has sticky notes peeking out at the sides. The room is otherwise clean and tidy, just a few other books lying around.

Ryan sits down on the edge of the bed and Tyler follows suit sitting down next to him. Ryan looks at him expectantly and it takes Tyler a few seconds to remember that he was supposed to ask Ryan about Orlando.

'Well, I'm planning to take Jackie out again and I don't know where to take her. Are there any good date places here in Orlando? Like something fun but romantic, like a bowling alley? But a more secluded and private one?' Tyler asks. Ryan nods.

'Uhm, there's a place right in the center, Colonial Lanes, and then there's a few places scattered around the outskirts. You can take her to Colonial, but if you want to do dinner and bowling at once, I recommend Kings. It's a bit further out, but sometimes I go there with my friends and it's amazing,' Ryan explains excitedly while Tyler takes mental notes. He has a car so Kings isn't such a wild idea.

'What about SeaWorld?' Tyler asks then, not even sure why. He just can't get the creepy fish guy out of his mind.

'It's a nice place, a bit crowded now in the summer, but it's still beautiful. The coasters are great if you want some adrenaline in your system, but then the dolphin shows can be quite cute and romantic,' Ryan suggests. The way he describes it makes it seem like a perfect date destination. There’s just one problem.

'That sounds perfect, but Jackie's probably been there, since she's from Orlando,' Tyler voices his worries.

'Yeah, maybe once or twice when she was a kid. But you know what they say: 'No prophet is accepted in his own country.' And no theme park is appreciated in its own hometown,' Ryan jokes and Tyler laughs quietly. A Bible quote joke.

'For real, most people don't really frequent the theme parks. They're still a special place,' Ryan continues. 'I'm sure Jackie would love it... Hold on, is it Jackie Smith by any chance?'

The question takes Tyler by surprise. Obviously it isn't Jackie Smith, it isn't even Jackie at all. Tyler shakes his head, afraid Ryan will ask for Jackie's last name that he hasn't thought up yet.

'Nevermind, it's just my friend sister. She's the right age so I thought... Nevermind. But yeah, SeaWorld is a great idea,' Ryan stutters when he notices how awkward Tyler got at the question.

'Yeah, no, it's not her. Must be some other Jackie. So I'll do some research on SeaWorld and we'll see. And you said Colonial Lanes and Kings, right?' Tyler tries to bring the conversation to an end.

'Yes. If you need any more info, just hit me up. And if you need a ride again, I know it's lame not to have your own car, so...' Ryan offers. Tyler can't help but feel guilty for rushing out of a conversation when Ryan's been nothing but nice to him, but he has a feeling he's going to slip up and out himself to a Bible quoting, huge-cross-on-a-wall kid and he really doesn't want to give his neighbor a reason to hate him.

'I actually have a car this weekend, but thank you for the offer. I'm gonna go now, my family doesn't know where I am and I really don't want them to freak out. See you later,' Tyler puts his hands on his knees and smiles politely.

'Sure, see ya,' Ryan smiles as Tyler quickly leaves.

The idea of taking Josh to SeaWorld is slowly infiltrating Tyler's mind. Some adrenaline rush to get the hormones flowing and then a relaxed walk around the aquarium, some burgers or hot dogs and a climax in the form of a dolphin show or maybe orcas would be more Josh's style, a bit edgier. A perfect idea with one major flaw. The date would take a whole day which means that all babysitting duties fall on Zack's shoulders and Zack wouldn't let that slide without a good explanation. Tyler can see the conversation already:

'The whole day? Where are you going?'

'On a date.'

'That lasts a whole day? To do what?'

'Hang out at her place.'

'Tell her to come pick you up. Then at least I'll have a car.'

'I can't. I'm taking her out.'

'To her place? C'mon, Tyler. Where are you going?'

'Fine. I'm going to take her to SeaWorld.'

'You're going to SeaWorld? Without us? That's not fair. I'm telling mom.'

'No, no, no, don't ruin this for me.'

'Then can we come with? I promise we won't bother you lovebirds.'

Tyler sighs. He's gonna have to find a good excuse. Or...

\---

'I'm gay.' Too direct.

'I'm different.' Too vague.

'I play for the other team.' Too weird.

'I like boys.' Sound like something a pedophile might say.

Tyler has been trying to build up the courage to come out to his brother for half an hour now. He still isn't sure about his decision, but every time he starts doubting it, he reminds himself that he has to tell him at some point, so why not now, it'd make everything so much easier. Or it might make it so much worse.

Whichever one, Tyler has been sitting on his bed, trying to find the perfect words, but the idea is slowly suffocating him, the longer he thinks about it. He needs air.

Tyler stands up abruptly, startling Zack who’s sitting on his bed, and leaves the room.

He does what he always does when his anxiety is acting up - he goes on a walk and calls Brendon. It rings in vain for a while and then stops. Tyler is just about to try again, when he gets a text: 'cant talk right now. call you latr'

Tyler sighs and continued down the road. Fresh air and alone time help too.

He's decided, more or less. He's gonna come out to Zack today, or maybe tomorrow. It's a big step, for sure. His brain keeps telling him that he knows his brother, that Zack will except him no matter what, but a part of him is still afraid, worried that he's gonna lose his best friend on this side of the country, perhaps even that Zack will be so upset he tells their parents. So Tyler makes a plan to come out to Zack on Friday, once their parents leave. If Zack's okay with it, then Tyler will happily invite him and the little two to SeaWorld. If not, he's making a decision now. His future love life and his identity mean more to him than his brother, no matter how dear to him he is. It's not about Josh really, it's about his future. He's not spending the rest of his life in a lie, afraid of pronouns and unsure of how his family will react. If his brother doesn't accept him and they grow apart, this is as good a time as any.

\---

'I love Morgan Freeman's voice, I mean if God were to talk to me, I can imagine him sounding something like that,' Zack comments as the credits start rolling. Tyler, Zack and Ryan decided to have a 'guy's night in', watching movies and munching on popcorn. They decided to start with a classic comedy - Bruce Almighty.

'Yeah, he has a really godly voice,' Ryan agrees. Tyler reaches out to the laptop they set up on the end of Zack's bed to turn off the movie, but Zack grabs his hand before he can press anything.

'Wait, there's bloopers!' Zack explains, just as Tyler's phone starts buzzing. It’s Brendon, calling him on FaceTime.

'You guys choose the next movie, I'm just gonna take this,' Tyler excuses himself, takes his phone and headphones and leaves the room. He can't really talk about coming out to his brother in front of said brother.

'Hey, man, you called. Sorry, I was at this family dinner we had for my uncle's birthday,' Brendon explains as soon as Tyler picks up.

'Yeah, no problem. The thing is, I'm planning on taking Josh on a date to SeaWorld while my parents are out and I was thinking I should come out to Zack and take everyone with me since I need to babysit anyway,' Tyler starts explaining the situation.

'If you're ready. Just don't be one of those people who comes out because they have no other choice,' Brendon offers. Tyler hates that answer. He wouldn't want it to be like that. He knows Zack would be hurt if Tyler came out because he has to and not because he wants to be honest with his brother.

'I know. And I want to. I'm just scared. Now that we've moved he's basically my only friend. I can't lose that,' Tyler says, surprised at how calm he's sounding. He's thought about it a lot, enough to have come to terms with the risks of his intentions.

'I get it. It's normal to feel scared. I'm not going to force you, but I'd say go for it. Get it over with. It'll be so much easier afterwards. Plus, this is Zack we're talking about. I'm sure he'll understand. Even if he doesn't like the idea, he'll try to make sense of it,' Brendon suggests. He has a point. Zack is the kind of guy who consciously tries to be a good person, who tries to understand people's point of view even when he doesn't agree.

At that moment Zack and Ryan step out of the room, talking animatedly to each other. Zack makes an eating gesture with his hand and Tyler nods.

'That's true. But what if he judges me for not telling him sooner,' Tyler whines. At this point he’s just listing his doubts, hoping Brendon will find a way around and persuade him.

'Well, that will just become worse the longer you prolong, won't it? Just tell him the truth - that you were scared,' Brendon counters. Well, Tyler has to admit that makes sense.

'Damn it, you're right,' Tyler agrees. He's made up his mind now. Plans always gain a new kind of urgency when someone knows about them. It isn't that Brendon offered some groundbreaking advice, but now he knows what Tyler is about to do, he expects him to do it and that gives Tyler more determination. He steps back into his room. Zack and Ryan aren't back yet.

'Look, just go with your gut. I'm keeping my fingers crossed,' Brendon concludes as Tyler throws himself on his bed.

'Hey, is that your room? You promised me a house tour,' Brendon asks, guiding the conversation in lighter waters.

'Yeah, I can do that now,' Tyler raises back up, angling the camera to show him the modest grandeur of his room. 'This is my bed, Zack's bed, the desks and the wardrobe. It's basically a dorm room.'

Tyler walks out into the hallway and down the stairs, explaining which door leads to which room, briefly showing the bathroom and heading down again.

'Wow, you gotta go down two flights of stairs to get to the kitchen? That's not a life worth living,' Brendon comments on the way. Tyler laughs and stops in the living room for a quick panoramic tour with Brendon commenting on modern aesthetic of the furniture.

'And this is the kitchen,' Tyler concludes his tour by the dining table, angling towards Zack, who is pouring chips from the bag into a plastic bowl.

'Hey, Brendon!' Zack waves at the camera and Brendon waves back.

'Say hi back,' Brendon comments and Tyler shouts out Brendon's message. The toilet door opens then and Ryan joins Zack at the table.

'This is it, basically. It's your typical suburban big family house,' Tyler concludes and turns around to head back upstairs.

'Wait, who's that?' Brendon asks, an urgency in his voice stopping Tyler in his tracks. Tyler looks behind him, half expecting to see a ghost or a burglar, but there’s nothing.

'Who?' Tyler asks in confusion.

'The hot emo kid. Next to Zack,' Brendon clarifies and Tyler laughs a little. Is Brendon getting flustered over his neighbor? Tyler walks back up the stairs, making sure Ryan can't hear them.

'That's Ryan, my new neighbor. Why?' Tyler explains, investigating Brendon's agenda.

'I'd tap that,' Brendon says casually, a predatory look on his face. Tyler holds back laughter. He suspected that was the case, but didn't expect Brendon to admit it so openly.

'Well, that's a shocker,' Tyler comments jokingly. Honestly, sometimes Tyler has the feeling Brendon would bang anything that moves.

'Hey, what is that supposed to mean?' Brendon frowns, trying to look serious but going into a laughing fit the next second, Tyler following suite.

'Anyway, I was thinking of coming to visit,' Brendon suggests almost nonchalantly. Tyler's heart skips a bit from excitement. He can't wait to see his best friend again, to introduce Josh to him, but he stops himself from squealing and goes for a joke instead.

'Of course, the moment you find out I have a hot neighbor you're on your way,' Tyler says in fake anger.

'You know it's not like that. But I'd love to meet that emo twink,' Brendon says and winks.

'Uhm, I'm not that sure about the twink part. I've been in his room and-' Tyler starts, but is soon interrupted by Brendon: 'You've been in his room? Lucky bastard! Don't tell me I have to keep an eye out for you as well.'

'It's not like that. It's just that his room is filled with like crosses and Bibles and stuff. Not exactly screaming 'flamingly gay and searching for prey',' Tyler explains, actually being serious for once.

'Maybe not. But it could easily be 'closeted twink, not as straight as you think',' Brendon counters, grinning widely, clearly not giving up hope. Tyler can't help but be a little bit concerned for Ryan. Brendon can come off a little bit strong.

'Just be careful, okay? He's a sweet guy,' Tyler warns again, but otherwise lets the subject go.

'Yeah, yeah. But for real, I haven't really been anywhere this summer, not with friends at least, so I was thinking I might as well come visit you, get to know the place, get to know Josh and Ryan, just come hang out. I just have a few exams to finish. We’re not all perfect,' Brendon suggests, referencing Tyler’s ability to ace exams first-time trying.

'Of course, I'd love that. I can't wait for you and Josh to meet,' Tyler agrees excitedly. Ryan and Zack enter the room then and Tyler quickly adds: 'I gotta go. Talk to you soon.'

Brendon waves, says goodbye and terminates the call.

'Hey, Brendon might come visit soon,' Tyler tells the news to his brother, who beams happily in response. Despite their differences Zack and Brendon get along well.

'That's awesome!' Zack exclaims and sits down on his bed, pulling the computer onto his lap.

'Who's Brendon?' Ryan asks, holding a plate with sandwiches in one hand and a bowl of chips in the other. He sets the plate on the bed and starts munching on the chips.

'My best friend from back in Ohio,' Tyler explains, giggling at the thought of Brendon's intentions when it comes to Ryan.

'Cool. He's a good friend, coming all the way down here,' Ryan comments, nodding thoughtfully. Yeah, a good friend and a horny bastard.

'Yes, he is. Anyway, what are we watching?' Tyler changes the subject slouching back into the pillows.

\---

It’s time. Tyler's parents have said goodbye early in the morning and a strange feeling of ease and freedom lies over the house. No matter how old you get, being home alone always fills you up with that giddy and carefree feeling. But this time Tyler can't relax. His parents gone just means that it’s time to talk to Zack now.

Zack is outside setting up a basket their parents bought for the boys to practice. Tyler hasn't properly played basketball since summer started, he'll need to organize a little match, get Zack, Brendon and Josh to join...

He can't let thoughts distract him. He came here for a reason.

'Hey, Zack, I need to tell you something,' Tyler starts, his voice determined and mind clear. It isn't as scary as he thought it was gonna be. He’s completely focused on the task at hand, emotions taking the back seat on this journey.

'Yeah, man, what's up?' Zack asks, putting down the screwdriver he’s holding and diverting all attention towards Tyler. He can sense the importance in Tyler's voice.

'Uhm... There's something you might not know about me and you might not like it since we've been taught that way, but it's who I am and I can't change, believe me I've tried. The thing is, I'm gay,' Tyler blurts in one breath. He definitely isn't calm and focused anymore. His heart is racing and though he swore he was gonna maintain eye contact, he breaks that promise unless Zack's shoes somehow grew a pair of eyes.

'Okay, I wasn't expecting that, but I guess it's fine,' Zack says after a moment of silence that to Tyler seemed like an eternity. Tyler finally looks at his brother's face. Zack is serious, but he doesn't look angry. Tyler doesn't know what he was expecting, but it isn't this lack of expression.

'I can't pretend I understand. I'm as straight as they come. But, for the record, I don't see being gay as wrong, just weird. It's like you'd tell me you have six toes on your foot. It's not like it's wrong or you can do anything about it, it's just not how I normally picture a foot,' Zack explains his views. Tyler feels his eyes sting with tears, relief or disappointment, he isn't sure. He was fearing the worst, obviously, screaming and hatred. But underneath he was expecting a warm smile and a hug. What he got is cold acceptance.

'But. You're still my brother and I love you just the same. Not understanding doesn't mean hating or not accepting, it just means I've got a lot to learn,' Zack smiles then, a smile of neither happiness nor sadness, but full of support. Tyler smiles too. He curses himself as tears start rolling down his cheek. Zack envelopes Tyler into a big hug. This isn't like with Maddy when Tyler was angry at a society that forced such an innocent kid into blind hatred. This is a personal opinion of someone Tyler cares deeply about. And that someone is currently holding him in a tight embrace, soothing him with little rubs on his back. Tyler reaches up behind Zack's back to wipe his cheeks.

'Since when did you know?' Zack asks once they stop hugging. This is a question Tyler especially dreaded, but the relief from before is still flowing through his veins, making it easier to just tell the truth.

'A little over a year now,' Tyler answers. Zack just nods, his expression serious again, but now a tinge warmer.

'And Jackie?' Zack asks then. It takes Tyler a moment to understand what Zack means.

'His name is Josh,' Tyler explains quietly. Zack frowns a bit. Tyler suspected that - Zack isn't really angry that Tyler is gay, he’s angry about all the lies.

'I'm sorry. The reason I'm telling you now is because I was scared. You have no idea how scared I was that you were gonna hate me. And that would ruin me,' Tyler apologizes. Zack nods thoughtfully.

'I get that. And thank you for opening up. But it still hurts a little. It feels like you don't trust me, that you think that there is any possible scenario where I might hate you,' he explains. 'But I don't blame you. Just know that you don't ever need to hide anything from me.'

Tyler smiles again, relief finally completely washing over him. Just one more thing he has to work out.

'Anyway, since mom and dad are not home tomorrow, I was thinking of taking Josh out. To SeaWorld. But I didn't want to just leave and dump Maddy and Jay on you, I was thinking we could all go there and just have some fun,' Tyler proposes. All of a sudden he can't wait for Zack to meet Josh.

'I would still have to take care of Maddy and Jay if you're on a date,' Zack points out carefully.

'Yes, but you get to go to SeaWorld,' Tyler counters. Zack laughs for the first time since Tyler approached him and Tyler can't help but to feel a bit lighter.

'Sure. If you and Josh can take care of the little ones for an hour so I can go on the big coasters,' Zack offers.

'Deal!' Tyler agrees with a smile. He has no idea why he wants Zack to come with. He'd think he'd prefer being alone with Josh, but he wants to get his brother's approval, he wants to show Josh off.

'We leave 7.30 tomorrow morning,' Tyler beams at Zack and skips back inside to tell his siblings the good news.

\---

Tyler's texting with Josh daily now. Every morning he wakes up to something like 'Slept well baby? ;) I miss you' and every time before he goes to bed he sends Josh a goodnight text. But they rarely text each other throughout the day. Tyler doesn't want to appear too clingy. Josh will have enough time to figure that out later.

This is an exception. Tyler has no idea why he’s so nervous. He's practically already asked Josh out, but it feels different now that things are already arranged. Tyler's already printed out the tickets and there is no going back.

'I was thinking of just showing up at your house tomorrow but I don't want to seem like a bigger stalker than I already am. So I'd love if you could give me your address so I could pick you up at 8 am. Btw my siblings are coming with if that's ok with you but I promise they'll leave us alone :) can't wait to see you'

A few moments later Tyler's phone starts ringing, startling Tyler. It’s Josh. Tyler answers, fearing the worst.

'Hi, sweetheart,' Josh greets and Tyler relaxes. It doesn't seem to be serious.

'Hi, cutiepie,' Tyler returns. Josh's laughs on the other end of the line.

'So about tomorrow, I'm gonna text you my adress. But, yeah, I'd love to meet your siblings. I'm just checking - have you come out to your brother or am I acting as a friend?'

Tyler gulps. He doesn't want Josh to think like that, like Tyler would make him act like their relationship doesn't exist, but he guesses that's exactly what he's done on their last date. Well, it's over now. At least until his parents get home.

'Yes, I've told him, it's fine,' Tyler answers.

'That's great! I'm so proud of you, Tyler,' Josh exclaims and Tyler can hear the smile behind his voice.

'Yeah, he's fine with it. Not happy, but I guess fine is... fine,' Tyler explains sheepishly. It’s way better than he feared, but still, he can't help but feel like there's slightly less fondness in Zack's eyes now.

'He'll come around. It's big news. Give him time to take it all in,' Josh comforts Tyler. He’s right. Though maybe taking Zack with on their date isn't exactly 'giving him time'.

'Yeah, I know. So tomorrow at eight is good?' Tyler asks, changing the subject.

'It's perfect. Speaking of which, where are we going?' Josh asks curiously. He sounds like an eight-year-old asking his parents what they bought him for his birthday before they hand him the present.

'It's a surprise. You'll see,' Tyler answers sweetly, trying to be teasing.

'You're right. Well, whatever it is, I'm sure I'll love it, as long as I'm with you,' Josh agrees, equally sweetly. Tyler huffs, but there’s fondness behind it. Josh is just about the cheesiest person Tyler’s ever met, but he still manages to make his heart skip a beat.

'I sure hope you will. Alright, see you tomorrow.'

'See ya.'


	6. It feels like summer and he was a lover to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler takes Josh to SeaWorld.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Feels Like Summer by Weezer (changed pronoun).
> 
> This chapter is a bit longer than most, but I really didn't want to make it into two parts. It also shows that I watched all three seasons of Insane Coaster Wars and low-key loved it.
> 
> Warning: some smut in this one.

Tyler watches as the clock on the car radio counts minutes. 7.57. They are gonna be late. It's Maddy's fault. She didn't appreciate being woken up at seven and claimed that half an hour isn't enough to get ready. She's now sulking in the back seat, but Tyler knows she'll forgive him as soon as they get to the theme park.

'Is the ice-cream boy coming with us?' Jay asks curiously. On the contrary to Maddy, he had no problems getting up. He's glowing with excitement.

'Yes, he is,' Tyler answers happily. It feels so good to be able to openly admit his relationship with Josh.

'The ice-cream boy?' Zack asks with a sideways glance. Of course, he doesn't know what happened at the beach.

'I'll tell you later,' Tyler promises. They're just about to make a turn turn onto the driveway of Josh's apartment building. 8.04. Not too bad.

Josh is already waiting on the stairs. He's watching the car as it approaches, trying to determine whether it's Tyler or not. Once Tyler steps out of the car, Josh stands up and walks over, his smile immediately brightening up Tyler's mood.

'Hey,' Josh greets, doing a little wave.

'Hi,' Tyler returned. 'You already know Jay and Maddy and this is Zack.'

Tyler points at his siblings, who have all gotten out of the car. Jay is beaming happily, Maddy has a slight smile playing on her lips, too excited now to pretend to sulk and Zack is smiling politely. Josh nods and ruffles Jay's hair as if he's already part of the family. Jay squeals in surprise, but then giggles loudly. Josh smiles sweetly at Maddy, making her look away shyly. Finally, he gets to Zack, shaking hands with a happy greeting. Tyler can't help but to gape at Josh. He's charming, winning over the affection of his shy and awkward siblings with his energy and charisma alone.

Josh turns to Tyler then and plants a quick peck on his cheek. Tyler can see Zack's smile falter, though his brother tries to hide it. Tyler really appreciates that. He can see this is going against what his brother was taught, but Zack is trying to be cool about it for his sake.

'Let's go!' Tyler exclaims excitedly and opens the passenger door for Josh, who thanks him as he crawls into the car.

'So, am I supposed to keep my eyes closed all the way to not ruin the surprise?' Josh asks jokingly.

'Yes. Don't you dare peek,' Tyler replies with mocking seriousness. Josh gives Tyler that smile again, the one with his tongue between his teeth and Tyler can feel the butterflies in his stomach. He can't wait to get to SeaWorld, away from his siblings and alone with his date.

Tyler starts the car and they drive off in silence. It doesn't last long until Zack brakes it.

'So, Josh, what are you majoring in?' Zack asks. Tyler knows he's just trying to get the conversation going but it feels like an investigation.

'Psychology. But I don't want to be just some shrink people pay to listen to their problems. I want to make a change. Mental illness is still an extremely big problem with kids and teenagers and the stigma around it isn't helping either. I want to be able to approach them, to make them know that someone listens and that it's okay to feel that way. That they're not alone. Nobody did that for me. I had to seek help myself and if there is just one person that I can approach, help them, maybe even save their life, it'll be worth it,' Josh explains. He seems sad while he's talking, like he's remembering something, but mostly he seems determined and hopeful. Tyler wants so bad to hug him and just hold him and support him on the way to his dreams. He has to keep his hands on the wheel, though.

'Wow, that's a good cause,' Zack comments, clearly impressed by Josh's vision.

'It's just a dream. I don't really have a thought-out plan yet. For now I just plan to finish my degree,' Josh admits. The hope is replaced by worry now and for a second Tyler thinks about pulling over and hugging this precious being sitting next to him. With every moment they spend together Tyler's admiration for Josh grows.

'You'll get there. I believe in you. You'll make a change, one kid at a time,' Tyler offers. He knows he sounds cliché, but it's true. Tyler doesn't know Josh very well, but he can see his passion and determination.

'Thanks, Tyler. It means a lot that you think that,' Josh says, smiling at him. 'What about you, Zack? What are your plans?'

'Basketball, mostly. No big world-changing plans here, just getting a scholarship and becoming one of the Knights,' Zack answers, a bit worried about how shallow his plans seem compared to Josh's.

'Knights? You're going to UCF?' Josh asks, glancing at Tyler, but remaining silent. Tyler is thankful for that. He knows Josh understands why Tyler is going back to Ohio, though he clearly dislikes the idea.

'Yeah, it's got a great sports program, division I and all that stuff,' Zack explains happily. He grew up with basketball, getting to finally pour all his time and heart into it really excites him.

Josh nods thoughtfully.

'Well, if you ever want me to show you around the campus, just ask,' Josh offers. Zack proceeds to ask some questions about the school and Tyler is just happy that Josh's mood doesn't seem to be ruined by the shadow of Tyler's impending return to Ohio. Tyler just needs to make sure not to mention UCF again.

\---

'SeaWorld? I haven't been there since I was a kid!' Josh exclaims excitedly.

'Bingo,' Tyler thinks to himself. It was kinda hard to keep their destination secret once Tyler drove off the interstate and towards the theme park area.

'You guys really have too many theme parks,' Zack comments after they pass a sign for Disney World.

'There's no such thing as too many theme parks,' Josh disagrees, still grinning with excitement.

'Bingo,' Tyler thinks again and gives himself a mental pat on the back. He might've just won an award for best second date ever.

They drive around the parking lot for a while and eventually found a free space at the far end of the parking lot. It's to be expected with it being summer and a Saturday.

'Okay guys,' Tyler turns to Maddy and Jay when they get out of the car, Jay glancing towards the entrance impatiently. 'You're gonna stay with Zack and I'll go on with my date and when Zack gets tired of the kiddie rides, he'll call me up and you'll stay with me and Josh, okay?'

They both nod, though Maddy looks like she has something to say when Tyler mentions kiddie rides. Tyler hands out the tickets and glances at Josh to see if he's on board too. He hasn't mentioned to Josh that he agreed they'll look after the kids for a bit, but Josh doesn't seem at all fazed by it.

'Can I go on a roller coaster with you?' Jay asks Zack with pleading eyes, already pulling on his sleeve to get him to hurry up.

'No way. But you can go on the small one for kids,' Zack shakes his head and speeds up. Tyler and Josh are left behind and takes Josh's hand in his. He feels Josh squeeze it once and sees him smile happily at their intertwined fingers.

'I'm so proud of you for coming out. Isn't it easier now? We can hold hands without having to worry about someone seeing us,' Josh asks softly once Tyler's siblings are out of the earshot.

'Yeah. It's nice. Until my parents come home,' Tyler says apologetically, looking down at his feet. He hates the fact that he still has to hide Josh from a part of his family.

'We'll cross that bridge when we get to it and I promise you I'm gonna be there to help you whenever you're ready,' Josh resolves the issue, his soothing and warm voice completely calming Tyler down. Tyler thinks about falling asleep to that voice or waking up to it. That's a future he can get used to. He forces the thoughts out of his head. Too soon. No need to rush.

'Thank you. So where do you wanna go first?' Tyler asks as they join the line leading up to the ticket booth. Zack is already almost at the counter so they can't do much else that a short wave before Zack runs after Jay that apparently can't contain his joy at going to a theme park.

'Doesn't matter. As long as we finish with a dolphin show,' Josh answers excitedly.

Once they're inside, the realization of being at SeaWorld downs on Tyler too. He was so focused on making this night special for Josh that he forgot he might as well enjoy it himself.

'Let's go here!' Josh suggests, pointing at the line for the roller coaster at the front of the park. The word 'MANTA' is written in red letters on a blue silhouette of a manta ray. The train shoots past, people's screams echoing loudly in Tyler's ears.

Tyler gulps, but nods and enters the building. It isn't that he's terrified of roller coasters, he really isn't, he's just never been on one, not this big anyway. He's from Ohio, but he's only ever been to Cedar Point once when he was seven. He barely remembers it. He planned on telling that to Josh before they'd go on a roller coaster, but Josh seems so perfectly at ease walking towards the train boarding area that Tyler's squeamishness seems pathetic. The walls are lined with manta ray aquariums, the fish flapping about gracefully. They truly are majestic creatures, Tyler notices.

'We don't have to go if you don't want to,' Josh says softly, dragging Tyler from his manta induced trance. Well, so much for acting tough. It's amazing how well Josh can read him.

'No, I want to, I'm just nervous. I've never been on a big coaster,' Tyler explains quietly.

'Really? Well, there's a first time for everything. You can hold my hand and if you really don't want to go again, we don't have to,' Josh suggests, completely unfazed by Tyler's lack of experience. Tyler can only hope he'll react the same way when he tells him he's a virgin.

'It's fine. It can't be that bad, can it?' Tyler asks, meaning to sound confident, but failing completely. Still, Josh smiles reassuringly at him.

'It's supposed to be fun and a little bit scary, but it's not for everyone,' Josh squeezes Tyler's hand. 'For the record, I'm nervous too.'

Tyler takes a deep breath and relaxes a bit, but that doesn't last long. They approach the waiting line, a group of people just boarding the train. They have a clear view as people in front of them sit down and their safety harnesses are strapped up. But just before taking off, the sits tilt backwards so that people are now facing the ground. Tyler can hear some half terrified half excited screams, but the roller coaster doesn't care as it starts its way up the incline.

Tyler feels a gulp in his throat. Going on a roller coaster is one thing, but being on a roller coaster while facing the ground, unable to properly see what's coming is a whole other level of scary. Suddenly, the only thought in Tyler's head is that he's going to throw up and that he should just grab Josh's hand and leave the line, admitting his defeat. But Josh seems completely unfazed, if not a bit excited, by the tilting sits of doom, so Tyler bites his lip and waits for the train to run its track.

It comes back too soon. The sits return to normal and people leave, some grinning widely, some disoriented, some visibly relieved that the ride was over, but no one is throwing up, which Tyler takes as a good sign.

'Let's go,' Josh smiles encouragingly and tugs Tyler's hand a little. Tyler didn't realize they were still holding hands, but he isn't planning on letting go now. They find their sits side by side in the second row, Tyler at the edge on Josh on his right. They let go so they can be strapped in, but soon find each other's hands again. Tyler keeps his left hand wrapped around the harness, gripping it so tightly his knuckles turn white.

Without warning, the sits start tilting backwards. Tyler tries to remain calm, but leaves out a small whimper as he feels the weight of his body shifting upwards, his chest pressing against the harness, that is now the only thing keeping him from falling. And then they start moving.

It starts out slow, they're climbing the incline and there's some sort of a safety platform beneath them. But all of a sudden, the platform is gone and Tyler realizes how high up they are, as they fly horizontally for a split second and then plummet toward the ground. Tyler loses track of the twists and turns, of where is up and where is down, of the screams coming out of his mouth. He tries closing his eyes, but that only makes it worse. They slow down for a second and by that time Tyler has gotten used to being spun around, his brain giving up on trying to comprehend the movements. His heart has calmed down enough for him to take in his surroundings just as they start tilting sideways, flying above a pool, the wingtip of the front of the train slicing through the water elegantly. If Tyler spread his arms, he could touch the waves. Tyler still feels trapped and uneasy, but he can't deny that for a moment it feels freeing, like he's flying more so than being strapped in a chair moving headfirst along a metal track that they could fly off of at any moment, judging by the speed they are going at. A surprised laugh leaves Tyler's lips and after a few twists and turns the train is slowing down and approaching the station where a new batch of anxious passengers is already waiting.

The sits move back down into their natural position and for a moment Tyler's completely disoriented, but then he feels a hand on his and Josh is smiling warmly down at him from the seat on his right. Joy quickly fills his brain, pushing out the fear and anxiety, but the feeling doesn't last long as he realizes that he's probably white as a sheet and that he probably screamed like a girl the whole ride and embarrassment settles in.

'Hey, it's alright,' Josh reassures him softly as the ride worker comes to open the harnesses and they are free to go. Tyler still feels wobbly on his own feet, though Josh seems to be doing just fine.

'So I take it we won't be doing that again?' Josh asks cautiously once they're outside and Tyler has gathered enough strength to walk without having to clutch onto Josh's hand.

'It wasn't that bad,' Tyler lies, very unconvincingly.

Josh laughs quietly, more of a huff then a laugh, really.

'Mhm,' he hums and smiles at Tyler. 'Let's do something you wanna do now,' he suggests. Tyler nods and looks around when something catches his eye.

'Ice cream!' he almost shouts, pointing at an ice cream stand on their left. He might sound too excited for a twenty-year-old, but he doesn't even care. Josh looks at Tyler and rolls his eyes, but there is nothing malicious about it.

'Sure,' Josh agrees, pulls Tyler after him and starts studying the collection of flavors in front of them.

'Damn it, they don't have mint chocolate chip,' Josh says in a disappointed voice. Tyler knows he's not actually angry, he's just referencing the first time they met. It seems like such a long time ago.

'A ball of mango for me and...' Josh orders and looks at Tyler expectantly. Tyler panics as he hasn't had enough time to go through all the flavors and blurts out the first thing he sees: 'Strawberry Greek yoghurt, please.'

The girl behind the fridge silently scoops up their orders onto a cone and tells them the price. Tyler quickly gets out his wallet when Josh takes a hold of his wrist and hands a five-dollar bill to the waitress.

'What are you doing?' Tyler asks more angrily than he intended. 'I already owe you an ice cream and a dinner.'

'And you bought me tickets to SeaWorld. And you drove us here, so if anyone is in debt, it's me,' Josh explains and Tyler relaxes a little. Truth be told, five tickets to SeaWorld greatly hurt his bank account.

They move along silently, enjoying their ice cream and Tyler realizes he kind of likes the silence too. It's not forced the way it sometimes is with Brendon, though that might be due to the fact that Brendon rarely stops talking so the rare moments of silence low-key fill Tyler with worry.

'Wow, that's gay,' Josh suddenly says in an amused voice. Tyler raises his eyebrows curiously and looks in the direction Josh is staring. There's a lake and about ten pink flamingo-shaped [paddle boats](https://seaworld.scdn3.secure.raxcdn.com/orlando/-/media/seaworld-orlando/images/rides/paddle-boats/paddleboats_with-ride_1900x700.ashx?version=1_201703240037) waiting by the pier, a few more gliding across the lake, occupied by happy looking couples in life jackets.

'Oh, wow,' Tyler agrees. It's a bit much, but at the same time, Tyler is drawn to the atrocity. He quickly takes Josh's hand and tugs them towards the lake.

'No. No, no, we're not going on that thing,' Josh resists slightly, but he's laughing. Tyler lets go and looks longingly at the giant flamingos rocking slightly with the wind.

'Oh, come on, it'll be fun! We'll be one of those obnoxious couples that are just so sweet with each other your teeth start to rot, but nobody will be able to do anything about it because we'll be in the middle of the lake,' Tyler insists between shorts licks to keep the melting ice cream at bay. Josh stops walking and smiles at Tyler, who follows suit and gives him a confused look.

'You've got something on your face,' Josh says a few seconds later and reaches out to wipe a smudge of ice cream from Tyler's chin. He thinks about it for a second and then quickly licks it off his thumb before grabbing Tyler by the hand and continuing towards the lake. Tyler's even more confused than before, but decides to let it go. Josh's thumb in his mouth is quite a distracting image after all.

By the time they get to the lake, they've both finished their ice cream. A middle aged bitter-looking man is standing on the pier by the sign that says 'RENT YOUR FLAMINGO PADDLE BOAT FOR JUST $5 AN HOUR - PERFECT FOR COUPLES AND FAMILIES!'

'Hi, we're here for the paddle boats,' Josh approaches the man who just nods and hands them two life jackets from the stack.

'Here you go, that would be $5. Unless you want to rent for longer,' the man explains in monotone, motioning briefly at the sign.

'One hour is fine,' Josh agrees and looks at Tyler for confirmation. Tyler nods. They're just paddle boats. They'll probably get bored of them soon.

Josh pays and the man takes them to one of the boats and unlocks the chain that holds it to the pier. Up close the thing is even bigger. The bird's head is about their eye-level even as they're standing on the pier. They stumble into the boat, wait for it to stop swaying and begin paddling.

'I was thinking,' Josh starts as they slowly make their way to the middle of the lake. 'Spencer, you know, the guy from the ice cream place that gave you my number?' Tyler nods quickly, wondering where this is going. 'Well, it's his birthday soon and he's invited a few of his friends to go bowling and he said I can bring a plus one, so I was thinking we could go together. As a sort of a date, but with other people. If you're comfortable, that is. I totally understand if you aren't.'

Tyler thinks about it for a second. Josh is asking him to meet his friends. It's a big step. Well, Tyler brought his siblings along to their date so they kind of already did that step, but it's different. This is officially their date, Tyler's siblings are just tagging along. That would be a friendly hangout with him tagging along. Still, Spencer was nice enough to him and he's low on social life since moving to Florida anyway, so it might do him good to widen his circle of acquaintances.

'Yeah, of course. That'd be fun. I'm not much of a bowler though, so you might need to teach me a trick or two,' Tyler agreed and Josh beams at him. It obviously means a lot to him that Tyler is willing to meet his friends.

'Speaking of friends,' Tyler continues. 'Brendon's probably coming to visit sometime this summer. He needs to finish his exams first but he might come here in a few weeks.'

Josh nods enthusiastically. 'I'd love to meet him, he seems like a nice guy from what you've told me.'

'Nice?' Tyler asks skeptically. He doesn't know where Josh got nice from Tyler's stories.

'Well, fun,' Josh corrects himself, but quietly adds: 'I'm sure he's nice too.'

Tyler chuckles. Of course Josh will always assume good in people. Once they paddle their way to the middle of the lake, they stop for a bit. Tyler looks around. The rest of the theme park seems far away, though the sounds of screams, laughter and machinery are still there.

'Time to be tooth-rottingly sweet, then,' Josh sighs then and slowly leans down towards Tyler's face. Tyler panics for a second before reflexes take over and he tilts his head and parts his lips slightly. Josh's mouth finds his and Tyler thinks how weird it is that the wet slide of tongues and softness of lips can start to feel so familiar so soon. They keep kissing, the contact drowning out the noise, the sensation clouding Tyler's brain and it feels so natural, Tyler can't even imagine he could be doing something else right now, instead of kissing Josh. They pull apart only when a gust of wind dangerously sways the flamingo. Tyler yelps (which really ruins the mood, but at least it makes Josh laugh) and grabs Josh's arm for stability.

'Let's go around the lake,' Josh suggests once the boat seems stable enough. Tyler nods and resumes pedaling.

\---

Applause is still echoing through the open theatre as the trainers affectionately pat the dolphins and feed them fish. The routine has ended. It was entertaining from start to finish, complete with jumping through hoops, dolphin surfing and synchronized turning. The trainers wave at the audience and the dolphins raise their flippers from the water as if they're waving too. It's cute and it earns them another fish. Tyler was skeptical about the whole animals doing tricks for food thing, but the dolphins seem happy enough. The announcer explains that the show is over and asks the audience to orderly leave the theater.

'That was awesome,' Jay enthuses. They've all gathered to see the dolphin show before they go back home. Jay was disappointed when they told him they'll be leaving soon, but cheered up when the show started. Now they just need to get him to the car before he realizes they're on their way out and throws a tantrum. Maddy needs to use the bathroom before they go and Zack tells them to go ahead and he and Jay will wait for Maddy. He's trying to give Josh and Tyler as much privacy as possible, probably feeling bad for intruding on their date, though Tyler invited him.

'How was date two?' Tyler asks curiously. He's happy but tired. He can't understand how Zack could take care of Jay and Maddy for a whole day. They've only spent an hour with him and Josh, but even then they've almost lost Jay twice and Maddy almost fell into the lake.

'It was incredible, I had so much fun. And it was nice to get to know your siblings,' Josh says with a smile. 'When do you think date three might take place?' he asks then, a tinge of sadness in his voice. Tyler sighs. His parents come home tomorrow evening and he has no idea when the next time he'll be able to go out is. It'll be easier now that Zack knows, but still.

'I don't know. I'll try my best to make it to Spence's party and I'll try to find a way to come out to my parents as soon as possible, but they come home tomorrow and until then I'll have to be creative,' Tyler explains.

'There's no rush,' Josh smiles sweetly, but Tyler can tell that it's a bit forced. 'You can stay over tonight, though. If you want to. No agenda, just to hang out. Get as much time as we can. I can drive you home tomorrow,' Josh suggests, having gotten the idea on spot. It doesn't sound half bad. It'll give them at least a few waking hours by themselves and though Tyler is a little bit nervous about being alone and in private with Josh, he's said it himself - no agenda. And Zack isn't going to rat him out to his parents either, Tyler knows that much. Really, it doesn't sound bad at all.

'Yeah, that sounds great. I'll tell Zack to take the kids home,' Tyler agrees.

'Really? Awesome,' Josh exclaims happily as if he wasn't so sure about the idea himself. Suddenly Tyler feels all giddy and excited. He is gonna spend the night with Josh, in the most innocent way. Probably. Maybe. His mind floods him with all the possibilities the privacy of Josh's room would give them and he isn't so sure anymore. Before they know it they're by the car and the rest join them in a few minutes. Jay and Maddy get in the car and Tyler grabs his chance and pulls Zack away from the car before he gets in too.

'Hey, is it okay if I stay at Josh's tonight and you take the kids home?' Tyler asks warily, knowing exactly how it sounds and what it implies. Zack furrows his brow for a second, before smiling and slapping Tyler gently on the back as a sign of support.

'Of course, bro,' he agrees. Tyler can see how Zack is trying to get used to the idea of a gay brother and he knows that staying over at Josh's is pushing it, but it's too good of a chance to pass.

'Thanks. And no word about this to mom and dad,' Tyler warns. They would flip if it Tyler did this with a girlfriend. Make it a boyfriend and he might see his own funeral.

'I'm not stupid,' Zack laughs. 'For real, Tyler, have fun and don't do anything I wouldn't do.' Zack quotes his father's catchphrase. 'Okay, no, that's not good in this case. Just do what feels right. Don't let him pressure you.'

Tyler smiles. He knows Zack means well, but it bothers him that he probably wouldn't make this big of a deal out of it if Josh were a girl.

';You know he would never do that. We're just hanging out. It's just that I don't know when I'm gonna get another chance to see him so I'm taking what I've got,' Tyler explains.

'Yeah, I know. He's a really nice guy. I shouldn't have said anything. I just don't want you to end up with a broken heart. I can see you really like him,' Zack apologizes and slaps Tyler's back again before entering the car.

\---

'So, guys, I'm gonna stay at Josh's until tomorrow and Zack's gonna take you home, okay?' Tyler turns around to the back sits and explains the situation to Maddy and Jay. Jay looks at Tyler drowsily and nods, tired after hours of running around the theme park to get on as many rides and see as many aquariums as possible. Maddy, on the other hand, gives him a knowing sideways glance.

'Use protection,' she says as if she finds the whole thing amusing and Josh laughs softly. Tyler blushes, as he can feel Josh's eyes on him.

'Wait! Do you have to use protection in your... situation' she asks then, her tone genuinely curious.

'Maddy! Don't ask me that,' Tyler exclaims, but he's not really angry. He remembers full well the time he was her age and in the midst of his sexual awakening.

'But, for the record, yes,' he adds then, purely for purposes of education. Maddy giggles and even Zack smiles slightly. Tyler leaves the car, happy for this ordeal to be over. Zack leaves the car too to get to the driver's seat and waves quickly at Tyler. They wait for the car to drive away and the reality of being alone with Josh finally downs on Tyler.

'Let's go upstairs,' Josh suggests as the car disappears around the corner. Tyler nods and follows Josh up the stairs. He's getting nervous. He knows he has no reason to be. They get to the third floor and Josh unlocks the doors to his apartment, looking cautiously at Tyler. He must sense his date's unease.

'It's not much, but it's as good as I can get with an ice-cream boy salary,' Josh explains as he opens the door. The apartment is spacious with a kitchen/dining room/living room in one and two doors, presumably to the bathroom and the bedroom. The bedroom. Tyler gulps as butterflies fill his stomach again. He isn't sure what he's hoping for tonight. No matter how fast he's falling for Josh, second date seems a bit soon to, you know, go all the way, especially considering his virginal status. Maybe he made a mistake. Maybe Josh will realize that Tyler won't put out just yet and give up. Maybe that's all that Josh wants and this was all a ploy to get into Tyler's pants. But on the other hand, maybe Tyler wants Josh in his pants. He knows the attraction's there, but the nerves are clouding his thoughts.

'Relax, Tyler, I don't bite,' Josh soothes him, shrugging off his jacket and draping it on his sofa.

'Unless you want me to,' he then adds with a wink and a smirk. Tyler tenses and blushes slightly. The image of Josh biting on his shoulder to muffle a moan fills his head and he wants it so bad, but he's scared.

'Hey, it's fine, it was a joke,' Josh amends. Tyler knows that, of course he does, but it doesn't stop the images from overflowing his brain. He takes a deep breath. He's alone in the apartment of a boy he can't deny he's falling in love with. He should be ecstatic. Being tense will only ruin the mood. He should try to relax and see where the night takes them. He trusts Josh.

'Yeah, I know, I just really might want you to,' Tyler replies. Josh's eyes widen slightly. He obviously wasn't expecting Tyler to reciprocate. But as soon as the initial shock passes the smirk is back and he's taking a step towards Tyler.

'Well, that can be arranged,' he proposes and leans down to join their lips. The tension has palpably shifted. Tyler smiles into the kiss, realizing that he's happy with whatever happens tonight. He's with Josh and he's kissing him and it's impossible to be anything but happy. They stumble backwards, Josh taking control or rather Tyler giving it to him. Tyler's back hits the wardrobe, a moan escaping his mouth in surprise. He feels Josh's hands caress the back of his thighs and gets the message. He leans back against the wardrobe and lifts his legs, locking them behind Josh's back. Tyler wouldn't take them to be the kind of couple that jumps on each other as soon as they get a moment of privacy, but right now he's being carried into Josh's room, lips locked as if they don't need to breath.

Josh somehow maneuvers them into his room and softly throws Tyler on the bed, breath escaping his lungs from the impact. He watches as Josh slowly crawls over him, his eyes playful, but dark. Tyler gulps, nerves coming back again. He's not ready. He doesn't know why, it just feels too fast. But he doesn't want this to stop either. It's not fair to lead Josh on, but he shouldn't do what he's not ready to, he knows that much. Josh is working on his neck, running his tongue and teeth over his skin, not hard enough to leave marks, but enough to send shivers down Tyler's body and to his hardening cock. Tyler's mind is beginning to cloud again. It's now or never.

'Josh, wait,' Tyler sighs, so quietly he's almost sure Josh didn't hear him, but Josh stops and sits back on his knees, worry replacing that spark of playfulness that was in his eyes just a second ago. Tyler's heart sinks. Well, he's killed it. He's killed the mood.

'What's wrong?' Josh asks cautiously, visibly distressed about Tyler stopping them. Tyler mentally slaps himself for not keeping quiet, but what is done is done.

'I, I'm a virgin,' Tyler blurts out and looks at the window, blushing furiously. He's twenty. He shouldn't be saying these words anymore. He hears Josh laugh softly and feels him gently turn his face back to look at him.

'That's okay, I'll go slow,' he assures, but Tyler just shakes his head.

'It's not that. I'm not ready to do that yet. It just feels like it's too soon,' Tyler explains. Josh's face falls a bit, but then the smile is back.

'That's fine. We won't do anything you're not comfortable with,' Josh decides. Tyler sighs and hides his face in his hands. Why is Josh so nice to him when he literally just cock-blocked him? He's already starting to regret his decision. He knows very well that he might not get another chance to spend the night for a while, that he's throwing away a very good opportunity. God, he's made a mistake.

'I'm sorry,' he apologizes. It's all he can say now. He feels gentle tugging at his wrists, trying to get him to uncover his face.

'Hey, don't apologize. There's nothing wrong with not being ready. It just shows that this means a lot to you. And it does to me too. I want this to be perfect for you' Josh soothes him. He finally gets Tyler to uncover his face. There are tears glistening in the corners of his eyes.

'Sorry,' Tyler apologizes again and wipes his eyes, but keeps them closed. He's still laying on Josh's bed. He doesn't want to cry, but with the mix of embarrassment, frustration and self-hatred he doesn't have much of a choice. This isn't how he imagined the night will end up.

'Tyler, it's okay. I'm not mad at you. I'm not disappointed. Let's not waste the time we have. What do you wanna do?' Josh asks, his voice soft like he's talking to a wounded animal. Silent tears are running down Tyler's cheeks now, slow and betraying. He can't trust his voice. He just wants to disappear or turn back time, back to when Josh was happy, kissing his neck. And this time he wouldn't ruin it.

'Do you wanna watch a movie? We could order some pizza,' Josh suggests when Tyler stays silent. Tyler nods. The tears have stopped but he's still not opening his eyes. He's way too embarrassed to do that.

'Food is good,' he whispers, his voice hoarse.

'That's the spirit,' Josh laughs lightly, wiping Tyler's cheeks with his thumbs. 'I'm gonna go order. What d'you want?'

'Pepperoni's fine,' Tyler answers. He keeps his eyes closed, but he's slowly relaxing, his breathing evening out.

'I'm gonna go to the living room to order, but I'll be back in a minute,' Josh explains, knowing Tyler can't see him. A few seconds later Tyler finally dares open his eyes. They've dried by now, but still feel sore. He's calmed down. Josh is not mad. He's getting them food and they're gonna watch a movie, it'll be as if all of this never happened. He's still embarrassed, but Josh does't seem to mind. He can hear Josh talking on the phone in the living room. He decides to go there himself, felling pathetic just lying on Josh's bed and waiting for him to come back. He opens the door quietly and enters the living room, where Josh is leaning on the table and finishing his call.

'Half an hour? Okay. Third floor, yes,' Josh confirms and smiles softly at Tyler. He hangs up and walks to the coffee table where he's turned on his laptop.

'What do you wanna watch?' Josh asks, flopping down on the couch and pulling the computer onto his lap.

'I don't know. Surprise me,' Tyler says, joining him on the couch. He's hardly in a position to make any more decisions tonight. He's done enough.

'Okay, then,' Josh agrees and browses his folders until he finds what he's looking for. He maneuvers himself so he's lying behind Tyler's back and then pulls Tyler down so that they're spooning. Tyler immediately relaxes into Josh's embrace. Maybe this night doesn't have to be a complete disaster. Josh presses play and the movie starts. It opens with the UNIVERSAL logo and song, but it's all pixelated and 8-bit music. Then the narrator starts, accompanied by words across the screen: 'Not so long ago in the mysterious land of Toronto, Canada, Scott Pilgrim was dating a high schooler...'

'Scott Pilgrim?' Tyler asks. He's heard of the movie, but never came around to seeing it.

'Yeah. You've seen it?' Josh confirms.

'No. But I've seen the trailer. Are you trying to tell me I'll have to defeat your seven ex-boyfriends?' Tyler jokes. He knows the main premise of the movie but not much more.

'Only two, actually,' Josh corrects. 'No, it's just a really fun movie, but it's not too interesting that we can't do anything else while watching. It's a strategic pick.'

Tyler giggles quietly at Josh's explanation. He loves how Josh is not treating him like he's made of glass, like he has to ask him if it's okay just to touch him. Josh is back with his hopeless flirting and Tyler's answering with his equally hopeless shy blushes.

'We'll see,' Tyler teases. He feels Josh tug on his earlobe, but not in a lustful way, the way he was kissing him in his room. This time it's just teasing and playful. Josh laughs when Tyler halfheartedly tries to push him away.

'I give us thirty minutes,' Josh bets and holds Tyler closer.

\---

Josh was right. The first evil ex-boyfriend hasn't even showed up yet and they're making out on the couch, a song about garbage trucks blaring in the background. It's a good movie, but Josh is a good kisser, so obviously Tyler will choose Josh's lips over it. It's slow and deep, the kind of kisses that make your mind float. Tyler somehow ended up on top and isn't exactly sure what to do now, but he's content with this. They don't need to go further, though his dick might disagree. Tyler rolls his hips down, just to test the waters, his half-hard erection brushing against Josh's and it's the quiet groan Josh let's out at that that makes him repeat the action. So, they're grinding now. Tyler's sure that, given time, he could come just from this, but truthfully, he's just getting hornier with every thrust. He knows Josh won't initiate anything considering what happened earlier.

'Josh,' Tyler starts when they pull apart to catch a breath, but it comes out as a whine. He sounds desperate, but he doesn't even mind. Josh hums in response and moves to plant kisses across Tyler's neck.

'Could we... Could we do something? Like, touch each other or something?' Tyler asks, not sure if Josh is listening as he seems busy with Tyler's neck. But apparently he is. Josh nods wildly and pulls Tyler down so that they're kissing again. He moves his hand from Tyler's back to the front of his jeans, rubbing his erection through the denim. A moan escapes Tyler's lips. It's not like he's never touched himself, but it's the thought of _Josh's_ hand on his crotch that turns him on. He pushes into it and Josh moves the other hand to his own erection. Tyler gets the message and pushes Josh's hand away, replacing it with his own.

Before Tyler realizes what's going on, Josh is on top of him and tugging at his shirt to get it off. Tyler helps him and then focuses on getting rid of Josh's shirt too. He takes a moment to appreciate Josh's body, but decides there are more pressing matters to attend to when Josh starts working on the zipper of his jeans. They don't bother getting the pants fully off. Tyler feels like he's burning up, like he can't control his motions properly. His breathing is heavy and his hands clumsy, but he somehow manages to get Josh equally as naked as himself. They are now in their underwear, no more restricting denim, every sensation heightened, but it's not enough. Tyler decides to take initiative and slips his hand into Josh's boxers. Josh gulps and closes his eyes.

'Tyler,'; he moans and leans down to catch Tyler's lips with his own. This, however, makes his dick slide further into Tyler's fist. Tyler realizes he's never touched anyone's dick besides his own. He doesn't really know what to do so he just starts a slow rhythm, sliding his fist up and down Josh's length. The slide is rough and dry, but Josh is already dripping precum, which makes it a bit easier. Josh moans against his lips and pulls away, making space to snake his hand into Tyler's boxers. Everything Tyler felt this evening suddenly feels trivial compared to the feeling of Josh's thumb moving across the slit, making the muscles of his legs twitch. He copies Josh's movements and they quickly fall into the rhythm.

They keep the rhythm going for a few minutes, breathy moans and quiet whines filling the room. It's not long until Tyler starts losing the beat, but Josh's flow is still intact. Tyler feels himself coming closer to the edge. He tries to suppress it, focusing on making Josh feel good instead of his own pleasure. Josh must be close too. His moans have become less restricted, curse words and 'Tyler's' mixing into them here and there. No, focusing on Josh isn't working either, it's just turning him on more.

'I'm close,' Tyler manages to breath out. Josh nods and quickens the pace, moving his thumb over the head again. Tyler instinctively bucks his hips into the touch and closes his fist tighter around Josh's cock. Josh lets out a sharp whine and moves closer so that their fists bump on the upstroke. He rests his forehead against Tyler's, making everything that more intimate. It doesn't take long until Tyler just can't take it anymore.

'Fuck, Josh,' he curses and comes, a shiver running through his body. He can feel his underwear getting wet, but Josh doesn't falter. He strokes him through his orgasm while Tyler's hand practically stops, too overwhelmed by his own pleasure to keep the rhythm. When the final waves wash over him, Tyler focuses back on the task at hand. He gently pushes at Josh's shoulders to turn them around and takes hold of Josh's leaking cock that has since somehow escaped the prison of his boxers.

Josh has his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open, completely giving himself to the pleasure. He's breathing in time with the strokes and every so often a quiet moan escapes his lips. Tyler loves seeing him like that, loves the fact that it's his hand that does this to Josh. A few strokes later, Josh lets out a louder moan, probably loud enough for the neighbors to hear, but for some reason that doesn't bother Tyler at all. Cum shoots across Josh's stomach and some of it drips on Tyler's hand. Without thinking about it, Tyler brings his hand to his mouth and licks the cum off. He doesn't mean it to be sexual, he just wants to taste it. It's not good, but it's also not disgusting, slightly bitter, but not too much so. Frankly, it doesn't taste like much. But it does seem to catch Josh's attention.

'Tyler,' Josh half whispers half moans. Tyler closes his eyes as he licks his hand clean, low hum of content escaping his lips. He feels a hand on the back of his neck tugging him lower and then Josh's lips on his, Josh's tongue catching the remnants of his own cum. Tyler shivers as the wave of sexual energy rattles through his body, his dick trying to rise again, but failing.

'That was the sexiest thing I've ever seen, porn included,' Josh comments when they pull away, still breathless from the kiss. Tyler smiles. Nobody has ever called him, or anything he's done, sexy. Hearing that from Josh made him feel so accomplished, like he just won a competition with all of Josh's exes (and favorite porn stars).

'Yeah? You liked that? Me, tasting your sweet, sweet cum, still warm from your body? You know there's an easier way to do that, right? There's a way for you to shoot your cum right down my throat, hold me in place as you fuck my mouth, make me gag, make me take you whole,' Tyler starts. He has no idea where this came from, why he's describing his biggest sexual fantasies to Josh, in form of dirty talk nonetheless. It's just that Josh's moans and comments boosted his confidence enough that he turned off his brain completely, regret and shame not reaching him anymore, his every action fueled purely by lust and want.

'Oh, God, Tyler,' Josh whines, his eyes wide, like he can't quite believe what he's hearing. Tyler understands his surprise, he's surprised himself. He's been all 'I'm not ready yet' just some hour ago, now he's talking dirty, offering Josh things that are so much beyond sex. It's as if he just needed to be stripped of his self-consciousness and insecurity to show the real sexual beast living within. 'If I hadn't just come, I'd be so hard right now.'

Tyler smiles, leaning down to run his lips over Josh's chest. It's slightly disgusting from the sweat, but Tyler doesn't mind. He knows it's still too soon for them to get hard again, but give it a couple of minutes...

'Hey, what if we eat the pizza now and then I take you up on your offer? I'm starving,' Josh proposes. It's only then that Tyler realizes how hungry he is. The pizza delivery guy came right before they started making out and the pizza is getting cold now.

'Sure,' Tyler agrees. The whole 'I want you to fuck my mouth' thing is starting to feel a bit awkward now. That's not him, although it totally is. He just never thought he'd feel comfortable enough to admit it to Josh. He'd apologize, but he's afraid it would ruin the mood. They open the pizza boxes and the smell of cheese and oregano mixes with the smell of sweat and sex. It's intoxicating.

'Wait,' Tyler is halfway through his first slice when he suddenly thinks of something. 'If we eat now my mouth will get all gross and greasy.'

Josh laughs, but Tyler's completely serious. That's an important thing to worry about.

'I don't mind. It'll ease the slide,' Josh comments with a wink and Tyler almost chokes on pizza.

'But you can use my toothbrush if you want to,' he adds and picks a slice of pepperoni off of Tyler's pizza.


	7. Surrounded and up against the wall, I'll shred 'em all and go with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Josh go bowling and Ryan has a breakdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from My Blood by twenty one pilots.
> 
> Some angst in this one. Gotta start setting up the actual plot of the story.

‘So, last night was fun,’ Josh comments while they’re driving through Orlando. They ended up falling asleep curled up on the couch after pizza, but neither of them regretted it. It felt nice just to fall asleep in each other’s arms. Another first for Tyler, too. The handjob was still pretty fun, though. ‘Might take you up on your offer some other time.’

‘That would be my pleasure. Or yours actually. But yeah, I had fun last night. Apart from braking down on your bed and cock-blocking you, which with this turn of events makes me seem like such an ass. I just didn’t feel comfortable enough then. After the handjob, though… It’s like all my inhibitions were gone. I swear I wasn’t pretending not to be ready,’ Tyler apologizes. Not that he feels like he needs to apologize, he just doesn’t want Josh to get the wrong idea.

‘I’ve unleashed a beast,’ Josh laughs and puts his hand on Tyler’s knee as a sign of affection. ‘But in all seriousness, don’t apologize. I understand. And you did nothing wrong. I’d rather have a boyfriend that’s comfortable around me, than one that pretends to like things just to please me.’

‘So, we’re boyfriends now?’ Tyler asks, the word Josh used catching his attention.

‘In my mind you were my boyfriend since the moment I saw you,’ Josh says dreamily, glancing at Tyler for a second and then focusing back on the road. Tyler smiles and takes Josh’s hand, that is still on his knee, in his own.

‘So, Spencer texted me. The bowling party is on Friday,’ Josh announces. Tyler nods.

‘I’ll try to find a way to get out of the house,’ Tyler agrees and a smile spreads over Josh’s features. This obviously means a lot to him. It means a lot to Tyler too. He wants to make a good impression on Josh’s friends, considering he has none of his own here. Plus, he kinds wants to show Josh off.

They arrive at Tyler’s house. It’s amazing how Tyler just had to show Josh the house on Google Maps and Josh knew exactly how to get there.

‘Bye, I’ll see you soon,’ Josh says after they kiss and Tyler reluctantly leaves the car. Just as he’s unlocking the front door, his phone starts vibrating.

‘Guess what? I’ve got a B minus!’ Brendon exclaims as soon as Tyler answers the phone.

‘That’s great! That means you’re coming here right?’ Tyler asks. He’s so excited about Brendon coming over. He misses his best friend.

‘I still have oral to do, but should be fine. But yeah, I could come over in two weeks, maybe?’ Brendon explains. Two weeks is a long time but it’s better than nothing. Tyler nods to his siblings that are all watching cartoons on TV and heads upstairs to his room.

‘That’d be awesome! Can’t wait to introduce you to Josh. Speaking of which, guess who slept over at his last night?’ Tyler asks as he lays down on his bed. There really are no boundaries concerning what Tyler and Brendon told each other. When Tyler came out, Brendon gave him an extensive tour of gay porn and Tyler still has a hidden folder somewhere on his computer titled ‘Bren’s favorites’.

‘I’m guessing you. So am I speaking to Tyler the Virgin or Tyler the Still-Sore-From-Last-Night?’ Brendon teases. Strangely enough, Tyler doesn’t blush and stutter. It’s like yesterday’s events pushed him out of his comfort zone and he’s now immune to Brendon’s incessant indecency.

‘Actually, we just jerked each other off. And then I sort of started dirty talking about how he should fuck my mouth,’ Tyler explains nonchalantly. He leaves out the part of him breaking down on Josh’s bed. That’s too personal, even for Brendon.

‘And did he?’ Brendon asks excitedly, waiting for Tyler to continue.

‘No. We ate some pizza and then we fell asleep together,’ Tyler corrects him. It sounds lame, but Josh and him are moving on their own pace.

‘Well, falling asleep together sound good too. Every relationship needs some cuddles,’ Brendon comments. It takes Tyler by surprise. Brendon never talks about cuddles and kisses, he talks about blowjobs and sex, but it seems like he has a romantic side as well.

‘Yeah, it was great. Waking up curled up in his arms… I can imagine it gets cold waking up by yourself once you’re used to it,’ Tyler sighs. He knows they’ve only spent one night together but waking up in Josh’s strong arms somehow felt so natural and right. It was just how life should be.

\---

It’s Friday afternoon and Tyler still hasn’t told his parents he’s going out. He should just tell them he met some friends over the weekend and he’s going out with them. He wouldn’t even be lying. But it’s hardly believable – him, Tyler Sucks-At-Social-Interaction Joseph, hanging out with random people he met a week ago? Not very likely.

But possible. His parents have always told him to ‘try to make friends’ and although his dad probably wouldn’t let him out, his mum is a different matter.

‘Hey, mum, I was wondering if I could go out tonight. I met some guys from around here while you were gone, seemed like a really good bunch. One of them even goes to our church. And I’ve been talking to them online and they invited me out tonight. Nothing big, just some bowling,’ Tyler starts, listing as many (mostly made up) arguments about why she should let him. His mum turns away from the computer and looks at him, her face expressionless.

‘You know I’m all for making new friendships, but could you reschedule? Dad needs the car today. He's going to the Orlando Magic headquarters so they can show him the office and the stadium,’ Kelly explains. Suddenly, Tyler’s heart sinks. Well, he could still ask Josh to pick him up, but seeing he’s Spencer’s best friend he’s already at his place, preparing everything and having some one-on-one celebration. He really doesn’t wanna disturb them.

‘Okay, if I get a ride, can I still go?’ Tyler asks. It’s a long shot but he might as well get permission.

‘Of course. I’ll handle it with dad. He’s better now that you’ve been to the City and survived,’ his mum agrees and Tyler gives her a quick hug.

He texts Josh about the situation and decides to do one thing that’s always helped him calm down – basketball. He starts shooting hoops, checking his phone after every shoot. No response. It’s logical, he’s celebrating with his friend, it would be impolite to check his phone. If he wanted to get there in time, he should’ve left about now. Just as he’s getting back in the position to shoot some more, he notices something.

A yellow smudge. An unmistakable sound of a car engine being started.

Ryan.

Without giving it much thought, Tyler shoots across the yard and just manages to stop Ryan.

‘Hey man, what’s going on?’ Ryan asks, confused as to why Tyler is running towards him, sweaty and flushed, with a basketball in his hand and an urgent look in his eyes.

‘Are you going to Orlando?’ Tyler cuts straight to the chase. He doesn’t have time for pleasantries.

‘Yeah. You need a ride?’ Ryan offers. It’s like he can read his mind.

‘Yeah, could you wait for a second, I just need to get changed. I’ll tell you where to drop me off,’ Tyler asks. Ryan immediately nods, noting the urgency in Tyler’s voice.

‘Thank you. Be right back,’ Tyler promises and runs off, quickly telling his mum that he’s going with Ryan and changing into more appropriate attire. He’s sitting in Ryan’s car less than five minutes later.

‘Sorry, gotta take care of this real quick,’ Tyler excused himself as he typed out another text for Josh, saying he got a ride.

‘No problem,’ Ryan nods, driving the car towards Downtown Orlando.

‘Another date with Jackie?’ Ryan asks curiously once Tyler pockets his phone. There really is no reason to lie to Ryan so Tyler nods.

‘Kinda. It’s more of a group hang,’ Tyler explains. He knows there’ll be about eight people in this small bowling alley he’s never heard of. Ryan nods thoughtfully and they spend the next few minutes in silence, Tyler still slightly out of breath from the hurried changing. Josh texts back, apologizing for not answering earlier.

‘So, where are you meeting?’ Ryan asks once they enter the City Center.

‘Just drop me of at Backbooth. I can walk from there,’ Tyler says. He feels bad for using Ryan as a ride, twice. He’s learned the way from Backbooth to the bowling alley. Plus, it’s safe in case Josh is waiting for him outside.

‘Okay,’ Ryan agrees and turn left. He stops in front of Backbooth and Tyler gets out of the car, saying a quick thank you before Ryan drives off. Tyler’s gonna be a bit late, but at least he’s made it. He texts Josh that he’ll be there in five minutes and starts walking.

It takes even less time before he spots a classic neon sign of a bowling ball hitting a pin. Josh is waiting for him outside, smiling widely as Tyler approaches.

‘Hey, you made it! So sorry about the text, I was helping with the cake and I left my phone in the living room…’ Josh starts apologizing, but Tyler shuts him up with a quick kiss.

‘It’s alright. I got a last minute ride. Sorry I’m late,’ Tyler apologizes instead. He’s accepted that this is what most of their fights will look like - endless apologies.

‘The last of the people just arrived, so you’re not that late,’ Josh comments and leads him inside. Tyler immediately spots Spencer, surrounded by a group of friends congratulating him. Tyler makes his way towards the group waiting for his turn when he realizes who’s standing right in front of him.

‘Happy birthday, Spence! Man, I haven’t seen you in a while, we should hang out more,’ Ryan exclaims, wrapping Spencer in a half-hug and patting his shoulder. Tyler feels cold sweat roll down his back. His first public outing with his boyfriend and he goes to the same place as his crosses-all-over-the-room, Jesus-is-our-savior neighbor. He can already see the judgement in Ryan’s eyes, hear the ‘how can you call yourself Christian and be with a man’ talk. What if he tells Tyler’s family, or his church? If he keeps his distance from Josh, Tyler just might get through the evening without Ryan noticing.

‘Hey, Tyler, what are you doing here? You should’ve just told me you were going to Spencer’s party,’ Ryan greets him happily when he sees him, patting Tyler’s shoulder and disappearing into the crowd without waiting for an answer. Tyler stares after him in shock, before he realizes Spencer’s watching him.

‘Tyler, glad you could make it. You know Ryan?’ Spencer asks curiously.

‘Yeah, he’s my neighbor,’ Tyler explains and holds out his hand to congratulate the birthday boy.

The crowd simultaneously moves towards the bowling lanes and Tyler finds himself at Josh’s side again. It’s gonna be hard to stay away, especially since Josh and Ryan are pretty much the only people he knows.

‘Okay, let’s get into teams!’ Spencer exclaims and groups of four are starting to form. To his dismay, he sees Ryan walking towards them. Before he can do anything about it, Josh starts introducing them.

‘Hey, Ryan, wanna be on our team? This is Tyler, by the way. My boyfriend,’ Josh starts, completely oblivious to Tyler’s sudden paleness. Tyler braces himself, waiting for a snarky remark or disgusted glance. Ryan nods politely.

‘Yeah, we know each other. He’s my neighbor,’ Ryan explains. If he heard what Josh said, he surely didn’t react to it. Tyler doesn’t know what to make of it.

‘Why didn’t you tell me Ryan was your neighbor?’ Josh asks, clearly fascinated by the coincidence.

‘I didn’t know you two knew each other,’ Tyler offers timidly. He’s still shaken up by the lack of Ryan’s reaction, but he’s starting to relax again. He likes the idea of living in a world where coming out is a completely normal thing and people just shrug it off. It’s probably a city thing. Back in Columbus you could barely mention homosexuality without ruffling some feathers.

Spencer calls for one person of each team to go announce the teams and Ryan happily takes the job, just to be able to leave the awkward conversation.

‘Are you okay? You look pale,’ Josh finally notices.

‘Yeah, it’s just a bit overwhelming, meeting everyone,’ Tyler half-lies. It might not be the immediate reason behind Tyler’s paleness, but the constant chatter of strangers, who he’s supposed to socialize with, is not making things any better. Josh hugs him tightly from the side, his hot breath warming Tyler’s neck. Tyler can almost feel anxiousness melt away. He relaxes into the hug, closing his eyes and tries to imagine they’re home instead, alone, about to watch a movie that Tyler will probably fall asleep in the middle of.

‘Just say a word and we’re out of here,’ Josh whispers, reading Tyler’s mind. It’s another one of those things that make Tyler wonder what he did to deserve Josh. But as tempting as it sounds, he decides to stay strong, endure some bowling, speak to some people, at least try to make a good impression.

‘Not yet. Just don’t disappear on me and I’ll be fine,’ Tyler ensures him. It’s not that Tyler wouldn’t survive on his own, but Josh’s presence makes him feel so much more at ease.

‘Never,’ Josh promises, tightening his hug for a second before letting go, just as Ryan approaches them.

‘Ready to bowl?’ Ryan asks them cheerfully. He’s definitely seen them embraced in the middle of the bowling alley, but doesn’t comment on it. Tyler decides to finally let it go. Maybe LGBT-accepting Christians aren’t so rare after all.

Josh nods and together they walk to the shoe renting booth where the rest of the party has already gathered. As Josh is trying on his shoes, Ryan steps up to Tyler.

‘If you ever need a ride or an alibi, just let me know,’ he says and winks as he backs up to the booth to get himself some shoes.

\---

He doesn’t answer. Tyler’s tried four times already.

‘Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Ryan Ross. Leave your message after the beep.’

The generic voicemail message again. Tyler’s been trying to reach Ryan for a while now. He wasn’t at the service today and he won’t answer his phone. Tyler’s starting to get worried.

‘Zack, have you heard from Ryan?’ Tyler asks his brother while they’re eating lunch. Zack furrows his brow and shakes his head.

‘Not since Friday. Why?’ Zack answers, realizing something weird is probably going on.

‘It’s probably nothing. It’s just that he wasn’t at the service and he’s not answering his phone. I’m just worried,’ Tyler explains. Tyler knows he’s worrying too much and that Ryan’s phone is probably just dead, but he feels there’s more to it.

Tyler grows more restless with every passing hour. He’s talked with Ryan on a regular basis since Spencer’s birthday. They’ve grown close and Tyler knows Ryan isn’t the one to ignore incoming calls. He always answers right away or texts that he can’t talk or at least calls back in the next few hours. This isn’t like him at all. With last hopes of putting his mind at ease Tyler steps out into the rainy evening and walks up to the neighbor’s house. The doorbell echoes through the house, but nothing happens. Tyler waits for a few minutes and eventually returns home. It’s definitely strange, but he tries not to think about it.

Tyler wakes up early. His father is up, watching old basketball games Orlando Magic played, trying to analyze their strategy, finding strong points and weak points of all the players.

‘Ryan and his mother are back,’ his father mentions as Tyler sits down next to him, a bowl of cereal in his hands. ‘I heard their car drive up about an hour ago.’

Tyler lets out a sigh of relief. So they’re fine at least. Tyler writes Ryan a quick text: ‘Hey, are you alright? You weren’t answering your phone yesterday.’

He hopes it doesn’t sound like he’s prying. He really just wants to know if everything’s okay. He doesn’t have to wait long. A few minutes later he gets a response: ‘Sorry, my phone died. I’ll explain later.’

It isn’t the most concrete answer, but at least it reassures Tyler that everything is fine. He decides to leave it at that for now. He has a feeling he’s intruding too much already.

Tyler spends the day playing video games and talking to Brendon. Brendon’s been looking at plane tickets to come over sometime next week and Tyler can barely contain himself when he thinks about seeing his best friend again. Brendon proposed they do something fun, just the two of them and maybe Josh and Ryan if they decide to double date (Tyler pointed out that Brendon and Ryan aren’t actually together, but Brendon just dismissed him with ‘yet’). If they were back in Ohio, they would’ve gone to Brendon’s parent’s summer house by the lake. Now, Tyler needs to find someplace else.

‘Tyler! It’s for you!’ Tyler hears his father call out just as he’s about to go to bed. He’s heard the doorbell before, but has no idea who it might be. He walks downstairs, not bothering to change back into his jeans. Ryan is standing in the living room, his eyes puffy and red. Tyler’s father nods once, gesturing Tyler should talk to him and retires upstairs.

‘Can I stay here for the night?’ Ryan asks, his voice on the brink of breaking. He looks distressed and confused more so than sad.

‘Of course,’ Tyler takes no time to answer. ‘Is everything okay?’

Ryan just shakes his head. Tyler curses himself under his breath. Of course something’s wrong. Ryan’s on the verge of tears and he’s asking him if everything’s okay.

‘Sit down. I’m gonna make you some hot cocoa and you can tell me what happened if you want to,’ Tyler proposes and goes into the kitchen to get the cocoa. Ryan silently nods and sits on the couch. When Tyler steps into the living room, a mug of cocoa in hands, Ryan looks much better than before. He’s calmed down and seems less confused, probably as he got the sleeping arrangement out of the way. Ryan gratefully takes the mug and even manages a little smile.

‘I’ve been in the hospital yesterday,’ Ryan starts on his own. ‘Not for myself. My father. He’s dying of cancer. All that smoking caught up to him. He’s gotten worse two days ago. Stopped breathing for a while, went comatose. Me and mum stayed over, waited for him to wake up…’

Ryan pauses for a bit, tears prickling in the corners of his eyes. Tyler watches him carefully, but remains silent, waiting for him to continue, rather than pushing him.

‘He did. He’s mostly unresponsive, though…’ Ryan continues, the first tear trailing down his cheek. Tyler puts his hand on Ryan’s shoulder, the tiniest gesture of sympathy. He can feel tears welling in his eyes as well.

‘I’ve been praying. I’ve read the Bible through and through, twice, bit by bit. And she… She still keeps blaming me. I keep thinking she’s desperate, she’s lost it, trying to make sense of this unfair world. But she might be right and that’s the part I can’t take,’ Ryan finishes, eyes closed and body slightly shaking. Tyler waits for him to continue, but he doesn’t. He would’ve let it go, but it sounds like Ryan is blaming himself for his father’s condition and Tyler can’t start imagining how fucked up that could make someone.

‘Hey, hey, who’s blaming you?’ Tyler tries to get Ryan to talk to him again. Ryan opens his eyes as if only now realizing Tyler is sitting next to him.

‘My mum,’ Ryan answers, his voice a bit coarse from crying. ‘Dad was diagnosed with cancer the day after I came out to them. They didn’t take it well and mum somehow connected the two.’

Tyler can barely believe his ears. It doesn’t make sense at all. Of course everyone’s looking for answers when something bad happens to their loved ones, but taking it out on your own son for being queer… In any other circumstance Tyler would be all over the news of Ryan’s queerness, but right now it seems like the least important thing.

‘That’s absurd! Cancer doesn’t work that way!’ Tyler objects. Suddenly he’s filled with rage towards Ryan’s mother. How could she do that to her own son?

‘Of course. But that’s how God works, isn’t it? You sin and God punishes you. That’s why I’ve been praying. To repent. To make God take his punishment back,’ Ryan explains. He doesn’t sound angry at all, just tired and disappointed. Disappointed at God for not heeding his prayers.

‘No, that’s not how God works. God works through love and compassion, through reminding us to be good to others. And homosexuality isn’t a sin, it’s love, it’s God’s work. You have nothing to repent for,’ Tyler counters, trying his best to get Ryan to see that. Ryan is quiet for a few seconds. He’s not crying anymore, but he hasn’t bothered wiping his face.

‘I miss the times I was so sure about that as you are,’ Ryan concludes. ‘Thank you for letting me stay here. And sorry about all the baggage.’

Tyler senses the conversation is over. He still isn’t sure about Ryan’s state of mind but decides to drop it. Forcing out a conversation Ryan isn’t comfortable with would only make things worse.

‘No problem, you can stay for as long as you like,’ Tyler assures him. ‘You can sleep in my bed, I’ll take the couch.’

‘No, it’s okay, I’ll take the couch. It’s late and I really just want to get to sleep and forget this day happened,’ Ryan differs, voice almost pleading. Tyler can’t blame him. He’s obviously worn out.

‘Okay, let me just get you a blanket,’ Tyler agrees and stands up to get the blanket from his room.

‘Tyler,’ Ryan calls after him. Tyler stops mid-step and turns back to his neighbor. ‘Don’t tell mum I told you. She’s really not the monster I painted her out to be. She’s just upset and she doesn’t actually mean the things she says. It’s just that I thought we were okay, I thought she’s stopped and accepted me, but last night, seeing her husband almost comatose, it made her lash out again. She started saying how things would’ve been different if I were straight and I just couldn’t help it. So I left. I don’t know if that was good. She needs some time alone, to calm down, but she also needs someone by her side. I just can’t do that right now,’ Ryan confesses. Tyler doesn’t know if he can forgive Ryan’s mum that easily, but he nods anyway.

‘You’re a good son, Ryan. And your mum will be okay. Just let her know you’re here. She’s losing a husband don’t let her think she’s lost a son too,’ Tyler tells him. Ryan’s mum is clearly unstable right now, but maybe some time away would show her she shouldn’t take her son for granted.

\---

‘Are you feeling any better?’ Tyler asks when Ryan joins him in the kitchen. He’s slept for ten full hours, but looks tired all the same.

‘Yeah, I’m fine,’ Ryan assures him as he reaches for the bowl of cereal Tyler puts in front of him. ‘Thanks for yesterday, I mean it. You didn’t have to comfort me, but I’m thankful. It’s good to be reminded once in a while that not everybody thinks you’re fucked up.’

‘No problem,’ Tyler responds. ‘But you know it’s not your fault, right? I mean, I know you’re blaming yourself and I can understand that, but deep down you know it’s not actually your fault.’

That would’ve been enough for Tyler. He understands bargaining is a part of grief and that he must let Ryan’s feelings take their course, he just needs to know Ryan doesn’t actually believe this bullshit.

Ryan smiles widely, as if laughing at some internal joke.

‘Yeah, I know. I mean, cancer is a series of mutations that accumulate and spread. Even gayness can’t do that,’ Ryan jokes. Tyler huffs out a laugh, not because of the joke, the joke’s terrible, but it’s nice to see Ryan has come to the point when he can joke about it. Maybe he just needs some time off, away from his family problems.

‘So, I was thinking…’ Tyler starts as Ryan delves into his cereal. ‘My buddy Brendon is coming over soon and me, Brendon and Josh were thinking of going camping or something, just for a few days. We haven’t decided where, yet. I was thinking you should come with. If you want to. I know your mum is not good right now, but it might be good for the both of you to get away, get some perspective.’

Ryan thinks for a moment and then nods.

‘I’ll talk to her first, to see if she’ll be okay without me. But, yeah, I’d like that. We could go to our lake house if you’re interested,’ Ryan proposes.

‘You have a lake house?’ Tyler asks in surprise. That could come in handy for a quick getaway with the boys.

‘Yeah, my grandpa used to live there but he’s in a retirement home now,’ Ryan confirms. ‘It’s become too remote for him. That’s why we moved, to be closer to grandpa. We don’t have much contact, though, with my father in hospital. But he’s leaving the cabin to us anyway, so we can definitely go. It’s right next to Lake Tohopekaliga.’

‘Lake what?’ Tyler asks. It seems like the most ridiculous name for a lake.

‘Tohopekaliga, but we mostly just call it Toho’ Ryan explains. ‘It means ‘we will gather together here’. My grandpa used to tell me he heard birds say that when they fly in flocks just above the lake. He loved watching birds on the lake.’

‘That’s lovely,’ Tyler agrees, imagining an old man on a wooden porch, watching bird-shaped silhouettes pass in front of the setting sun that turns the lake’s water into a pool of orange crystals. It sounds romantic. ‘We don’t really have anywhere else to go, so we might take you up on that offer.’

‘Sure. I’ll ask my mum, just in case. Speaking of, I should probably go home now, check on her,’ Ryan says and lets out a big sigh. Tyler wants to go with him to share a piece of his mind with Ryan’s mother, but know it’s not his place to do so. This is between Ryan and his mother and all he can do is offer support and shelter.

‘Of course. You’re always welcome to stay here if it all comes down to the worst,’ Tyler offers.

‘Thanks. That means a lot,’ Ryan nods and stands up. He puts the empty cereal bowl into the sink, thanks Tyler for the bed and breakfast and leaves.

‘Was that Ryan?’ Zack asks, walking down the stairs. He was already asleep when Ryan came by last night so he doesn’t know anything about it.

‘Yeah. He’s going through a lot. Be nice to him,’ Tyler explains, not wanting to say too much. Ryan probably doesn’t want the word to get around.

‘Of course. He seems like a really good guy,’ Zack agrees. Ryan’s been nothing but nice to everyone around them. Tyler remembers the anger he felt when Ryan explained the situation. There was not a trace of that in Ryan. Disappointment and sadness sure, not much anger, though. Tyler swore he’d fight anyone who was shitty enough to make Ryan angry.

‘Yet, with everything life’s thrown at him, he has a right to not be.’


	8. I'm drunk and right now I'm so in love with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler, Josh, Ryan and Brendon go to the lake house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from The Only Time by Nine Inch Nails.
> 
> Warning: drinking (technically underage, because America).

‘Brendon, would you like some more pie?’ Tyler’s mother asks when Brendon puts down his plate and leans back in his chair.

‘No, thank you, Mrs. Joseph,’ Brendon answers. Seeing Brendon at the table reminds Tyler of their high school times, all their study sessions that mostly involved Tyler tutoring Brendon and Brendon keeping Tyler in touch with all the gossip. Their sessions often extended deep into the evening with Brendon staying for dinner. He hasn’t had dinner with them since college though. Tyler’s missed that.

‘You excited for the lake house?’ Zack asks and Brendon nods enthusiastically. The family’s been briefed on Tyler, Brendon and Ryan going to Ryan’s lake house. Josh, of course, hasn’t been mentioned, though Zack probably figured it out. Ever since the breakdown, Ryan and Tyler have been spending a lot more time together so the arrangement didn’t seem too out of the blue.

‘Yeah, can’t wait to finally see what Florida has to offer,’ Brendon agrees, smiling mischievously. If Tyler had to guess the ‘what’ Brendon’s expecting from Florida, it’d be one Ryan Ross.

‘Be careful,’ mother warns them. ‘I want you boys back alive.’

‘We’ll be careful, I promise,’ Tyler tries to calm her down. She’s still wary of Brendon, ever since the weed incident. That’s also part of the reason she welcomed the idea of Ryan coming with them.

They’re set to leave in the evening. Brendon’s got everything packed already since he just arrived, but Tyler still has to get ready. He’s packing his toiletries when his phone buzzes. It’s Josh.

‘Hi, babe,’ he answers. He’s started calling Josh nicknames to stop himself from accidentally saying his name in front of his parents. Josh started doing the same thing to ‘not make it awkward for him’, so it’s their thing now.

‘Hi, sweetheart,’ Josh returns and his voice instantly makes Tyler smile. ‘I just wanted to say that I’m so excited for this weekend. Can’t wait to meet Brendon. And get some alone time with my honey bear.’

‘I can’t wait either. Brendon will probably be busy chasing after Ryan so we’ll get plenty of alone time,’ Tyler teases. Josh laughs softly on the other end.

‘Hope so,’ Josh agrees. ‘What’s the situation with laptops? You bringing yours or do I bring mine? You know, for movies. Or are we doing the whole technology purge weekend?’

‘No, we’re doing laptops. You can bring yours if it’s not too much trouble. You have all the movies already on it,’ Tyler suggests. In the last two weeks he’s met with Josh a couple of times at Ryan’s and they mostly watched movies from Josh’s ‘must-see’ folder, including Scott Pilgrim for the second time (they missed most of it the first time around). Ryan was kind enough to let them use his room, but Tyler didn’t want to overstay his welcome so they limited their interactions to friendly banter and cuddling.

‘Sure. Will do,’ Josh agrees. They talk for a few more minutes, about the movies and how much alcohol they should buy on the way there.

‘Now I need to start packing. See you tonight, loverboy,’ Josh says, his voice dropping on the last word, making Tyler’s stomach twist.

‘Likewise, hotshot,’ Tyler counters and they hang up, Josh’s tiny giggle the last thing to come through the line. Tyler grabs his toothpaste and leaves the bathroom.

‘You’ve been in there for an awfully long time,’ Brendon observes when Tyler enters the room, a smile still plastered on his face.

‘Josh called,’ Tyler explains, not giving it a second thought.

‘Oh,’ Brendon nods with a knowing smirk. ‘I get you.’

Tyler furrows his brow for a second and then realizes what Brendon assumes.

‘Jesus, Brendon. Not in that way. He just wanted to ask if he should bring his laptop,’ Tyler explains, blood rushing to his cheeks.

‘No need to be ashamed. I get it. If you don’t get to see each other that much, you have to do with what you have,’ Brendon reassures with an amused grin. Tyler throws a pillow at Brendon in pretend frustration but they both start laughing then and Tyler feels at home. He’s missed his best friend more then he cares to admit.

\---

‘Here we are,’ Ryan announces as they drive up to a small cabin. They’re in Ryan’s Honda, Tyler leaning his head on Josh’s shoulder, trying to get as much contact as possible without appearing rude, Brendon bouncing around in anticipation on passenger’s seat (he called ‘shotgun’ as soon as they left the house, supposedly to ‘give Tyler and Josh some space’).

‘Woohoo, time to party!’ Brendon exclaims, leaning his head out of the window. Everyone laughs at his enthusiasm. It was a bit awkward when he sat down in the car and immediately started talking about how hot Florida was and about the time he saw an alligator in Columbus Zoo. By now Ryan and Josh got used to his energetic and all-over-the-place personality, developing a he’s-weird-but-we-love-him-anyway attitude.

‘Can we swim here?’ Tyler asks, as they get out of the car, the lake glistening in the setting sun.

‘Sure,’ Ryan confirms. ‘Just have to watch out for the gators.’

‘Of course,’ Brendon murmurs under his breath. With a homemade Joseph casserole under one arm and two bags of clinking alcohol bottles in the other, he looks like a mom in her thirties going to a potluck.

They get their luggage to the cabin. It’s small but cozy with a kitchen/living room hybrid and two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs. The furniture seems old but intact. Much to Brendon’s happiness, both bedrooms have double beds and of course Tyler and Josh will take one, which means…

‘Guess, we’re sleeping together,’ Brendon shamelessly announces.

 Ryan laughs uncomfortably but then adds: ‘Guess so.’

Tyler decides he needs to have a word with Brendon later. But that’s later, right now Josh is taking his hand and leading him outside and he won’t say no to that.

‘You really got Brendon to cover for us, huh?’ Josh asks once they’re outside.

‘Yeah, I really didn’t,’ Tyler laughs. ‘He’s like that all on his own.’

‘Well, that’s bound to end well,’ Josh snorts, takes a stone from the driveway and launches it into the lake, spooking a bird from a nearby bush.

‘Let’s go on a stroll,’ Tyler suggests, tugging Josh along the lake.

‘I love summer evenings. The sunsets are just so intense in the summer. Especially near the water. The light reflects and makes everything seem even bigger then it is,’ Josh rambles as they slowly make their way towards a small pier.

‘Yeah, I love the colors. Bright, but also toned down, somehow,’ Tyler agrees. They’re just chatting away, enjoying their time together. Simple things, like being able to hold each other’s hands and not having to worry about going their separate ways, at least not for a few days.

‘It reminds me of you. So radiant and full of live, but also shy and cautious,’ Josh says as they step on the pier. He’s looking at Tyler now, eyes full of admiration.

‘Shy and cautious, sure. But I’m not radiant or full of live. That’s all you, the way you’re smiling right now, it’s like you’re shining. Us, together, we make a sunset,’ Tyler disagrees, trying to fight the blush creeping onto his cheeks.

‘You’re the one that fills me with light, I’m just reflecting. I’m the moon to your sun,’ Josh finishes and leans down for a kiss. They melt together, knowing full well how cheesy their dialogue was, but not caring at all. Sometimes cheesiness can just make you feel better, make you feel like you have some idea about what you feel by comparing your love to a sunset when in reality, you’re just lost in the feelings you have no clue how to deal with.

The kiss is long, more passionate than most they shared before. It’s a kiss with a promise of tomorrow, of getting to do this again, soon. One of many. That’s not something they could say for most of their kisses.

‘I’m gonna have withdrawals after this weekend is over,’ Tyler sighs after they pull apart.

‘Shhhh, don’t think about that yet, baby,’ Josh shushes him, chasing Tyler’s lips with his own again.

They hear a twig break somewhere behind them and turn to see Ryan approaching from behind the trees.

‘Ohhh, sorry, I can go back,’ Ryan apologizes after seeing the boys locked in an embrace.

‘Nah, it’s fine. We were just on our way back, anyway,’ Josh shakes his head and lets go of Tyler, but still keeps one hand on Tyler’s back.

‘Brendon said I need to bring you back to the house for ‘celebrations’. I have no idea what that means and he won’t tell me. Says it’s a surprise,’ Ryan explains. He seems slightly scared, like he’s not sure the cabin will still be standing when they get back.

They find Brendon rummaging through the kitchen, cursing under his breath.

‘Where did your grandpa keep champagne glasses?’ Brendon asks, turning around on his heel.

‘Champagne glasses?’ Ryan asks, making sure he heard him right. Brendon nods urgently.

‘My grandpa wasn’t really a big champagne drinker. He preferred beer,’ Ryan explains apologetically.

‘So… No champagne glasses?’ Brendon asks, like he doesn’t understand how any house can exist without such an important drinkware.

‘No champagne glasses, sadly,’ Ryan confirms and Brendon lets out a disappointed sigh. He turns around and produces a couple of mismatched wine glasses from a cupboard. He starts washing them to get rid of a layer of dust that’s accumulated from the obvious lack of use.

‘You brought champagne?’ Tyler asks, stepping next to Brendon to wipe the washed glasses.

‘Valley Vineyards,’ Brendon answers proudly. Tyler recognizes the name as one of Ohio’s local vineyards.

‘A piece of home,’ Tyler nods thoughtfully. He’s never really stopped thinking of Columbus as his home. Maybe because he’s going back to study. Or maybe because Florida hasn’t taken that title yet. He knows he’s not helping the matters. He hasn’t given Orlando a chance, hasn’t tried to make it feel like home. But then he thinks of Josh and maybe Orlando wouldn’t make such a terrible home after all.

‘Yeah, I had to present Ohio in the best light,’ Brendon says and moves to the living room, two glasses in hand. Tyler follows with the other two. Josh and Ryan are comfortably sprawled on the couch and Josh is browsing through his Spotify to get the music going.

‘Any music suggestions?’ Josh asks. Brendon and Tyler hand out the glasses.

‘Something celebratory and danceable,’ Brendon suggests as he goes through his many bags of alcohol to find the champagne. A few moments later Don’t Stop Me Now fills the room.

‘What exactly are we celebrating?’ Ryan asks, more genuinely intrigued than hostile.

‘Life,’ Brendon answers, looking in the distance dramatically. Tyler can’ help but huff at that. He knows Brendon well enough to detect the sarcasm. Brendon finally finds his bottle and starts shaking it vigorously. Tyler takes a few steps back, just to be safe. Ryan whelps, trying to stop Brendon but it's too late. Brendon pops the cork that shoots out to the wall and champagne is pouring out of the bottle, soaking into the carpet. Josh rushes with his glass to catch the foaming liquid while Ryan looks at the champagne stain nervously. The wave of champagne eventually subsides and everyone fills up their glass.

‘I haven’t gotten drunk yet, since finishing my exams, so here’s to that,’ Brendon toasts. ‘To friendship,’ he looks at Tyler. ‘To love,’ his gaze turns to Josh. ‘And to Ryan, for landing us this incredible cabin,’ Brendon looks at Ryan intently, whipping up one of his charming smiles. Ryan smiles back nervously and everyone raises their glass cheering, breaking the tension. Brendon puts down his drink momentarily, goes back to his bags of alcohol and starts arranging the bottles on the table. He’s moving fluidly, already completely comfortable, swaying his hips to the music. The relaxed atmosphere of feel-good music and impending intoxication spreads between them and they all begin moving, tapping feet and nodding their heads, not full-fledged dancing, but just enough to get themselves in the mindset of a party.

Once Brendon is done, a third of the table is covered with bottles of mostly clear or brown liquids and some sodas and juices to mix with. Josh whistles at the display, obviously skeptical of Brendon’s expectations for the weekend. At the first glance Tyler recognizes a couple of bottles: vodka, gin, rum and at least two kinds of whiskeys. It looks like Brendon just robbed a bar.

‘You know, I was a professional bartender once,’ Brendon boasts when he notices everyone taking in the bottle arrangement.

‘No, you weren’t,’ Tyler reveals his lie, looking at him questioningly.

‘No, I wasn’t. But I was making smoothies which is the same thing really,’ Brendon acknowledges. ‘So, any special orders?’

The boys give each other quick glances, obviously not skilled enough in cocktails to know what to say. When no one answers, Brendon sighs.

‘Bartender’s recommendations, then,’ he declares and looks between them thoughtfully. ‘For you Tyler, a classic Sex on the Beach, hope you get some of the real thing soon,’ he winks at Tyler, completely ignoring his blush and Josh’s smug smile.

‘You, Josh, look like you could go for something stronger, a good old G&T perhaps,’ Brendon suggests and finally turns towards Ryan.

‘Ryan, I’m gonna make you my favorite – peach and lime daiquiri,’ Brendon finishes with a smile and produces a cocktail shaker from his bag. Tyler raises his eyebrow. He didn’t even know Brendon was into bartending, but then again, Brendon got a new hobby every two months.

Brendon picks out the ingredients, turns the music louder and puts on a show. Josh has put on a premade playlist, something along the lines of ‘Rock party’. It ends up with Brendon shaking the cocktails in beat with the music and delivering them to their recipients, hips swaying to Chelsea Dagger. Everyone starts loosening up as they take first sips of their drinks, Brendon’s infectious energy making them move and laugh along.

Two drinks later they’re sitting around the table, casserole finally finding its way to the plate. Suddenly, Brendon’s eyes widen and he gulps down his drink. He puts his glass back on the table and bolts upstairs. Others look after him curiously and then at Tyler as if he’d have any idea what’s going on with the ball of energy that is Brendon. Tyler just shrugs. It might just be the alcohol kicking in on the bladder, though Tyler highly doubts that.

About two minutes later Brendon returns downstairs.

‘Gentlemen,’ he announces. ‘Before we all get too drunk to remember it, I got you all gifts. I put them on your beds so feel free to go get them.’

Tyler sighs. Of course Brendon would bring them gifts. And of course he’d put them on their beds and make them go get them instead of just bringing them down and passing them around. Brendon really loves his theatricality.

They all walk upstairs and as much as Tyler sighed upon Brendon’s love for intricate gifting schemes, he can’t help but feel a rush of excitement, like some sort of weirdly drunk Christmas.

There are three neatly wrapped gifts on their bed, one on each side of the bed and one in the middle. Brendon and Josh eagerly start unwrapping the ones on their separate sides. Inside Tyler finds a small scrapbook. On the cover is a selfie of him and Brendon at the lake, maybe around three years back. It might be the alcohol but Tyler’s eyes water a little at the gift. He starts flipping through the pages, holding back the tears. He’s never had anyone make him a scrapbook before and looking through the timeline of their friendship really puts things into perspective. Only now does he realize how much he’s missed Brendon this few weeks. The last two pictures are a map of Columbus, marked with their houses, their school and some other places that are important for them and on the next page a picture Brendon apparently took on the plane, an outline of Florida barely visible through the clouds.

‘That’s nice of him,’ Josh says with a smile, not a hint of jealousy in his voice. Tyler turns to see him looking over his shoulder.

‘Yeah, he’s a great friend,’ Tyler agrees and slowly closes the scrapbook. He’ll have plenty of time to reminisce later.

‘What did you get?’ Tyler asks and turns his attention fully to his boyfriend. Josh hands him a sky blue store-bought ice cream bowl, but it’s been painted over with pink hearts and an inscription: ‘JOSH + TYLER’.

‘It’s cute, because, you know, we met through ice cream,’ Tyler realizes. He’s almost forgotten how thoughtful and original Brendon can be.

‘Now every time I eat ice cream, some of that chocolate chip mint, I’m gonna think of us,’ Josh beams and gives Tyler a small peck. Tyler puts the ice cream bowl back on the bed and picks up the third package. Considering it’s seemingly a gift for the both of them and it’s from Brendon, he has an inkling he knows what it might be and really doesn’t want Josh opening it.

Soon, his suspicions are confirmed. He puts a pack of condoms and a bottle of lube back on the bed and looks up at Josh with a sigh. Josh is quietly giggling, not that much because of the gift but because of Tyler’s reaction.

‘Well, Brendon’s practical, I see,’ Josh comments. ‘Look it’s just a gag gift, it doesn’t have to change anything.’

Tyler looks at the condom pack intently for a second and then hears his thoughts being projected out of his mouth, propagated by the slight buzz of alcohol that is now clouding his mind: ‘Well, it’s a good thing, ‘cause I forgot to bring mine.’

Josh looks at Tyler with a questioning glance, trying to determine whether it’s Tyler or the alcohol talking. Tyler braces himself for the blush, but it doesn’t come. It’s like his body is realizing for the first time that he doesn’t have to be embarrassed for speaking his mind. He looks back at Josh, feeling mostly curious as to what he’ll say.

‘I didn’t forget mine, but you can never have too many,’ Josh agrees, not sure what to make of Tyler’s newfound confidence but deciding to play along. Tyler smiles to himself, but doesn’t say anything. He’s been thinking about this a lot, about the concept of days – this is the first time Josh and him have time. Time to relax, discover each other slowly and then stay in that moment, no ‘we need to hurry’, no ‘I need to go home’. It’s as good a time as they’re going to get.

They hear Ryan and Brendon exit their room and head downstairs. It’s only then that Tyler grasps that of course Brendon bought them all presents if it meant he could inconspicuously get one for Ryan. Oh, God, Brendon just gave a gift to Ryan. Glancing at the condoms on the bed, Tyler’s mind flashes with all the possible suggestive things Brendon could’ve bought for Ryan. They need to have a talk. Soon.

Tyler and Josh slowly follow the other two down the stairs, seeing as Tyler doesn’t want to leave Brendon alone with Ryan longer than necessary. They finish dinner, debating what the best comfort food is. (Josh says pizza, while Tyler argues tacos and Brendon goes for sandwiches. Ryan settles the debate when he suggests Joseph casserole and everyone wholeheartedly agrees as they finish the last of it.) They play cards for a bit and Brendon shows them a few magic tricks, because of course Brendon knows magic. It used to be one of his many hobbies senior year of high school, Tyler recalls.

‘Let’s go for a walk around the lake,’ Josh suggests after they get tired of playing cards. Though they’ve stopped drinking a while ago, settling on the edge between tipsy and drunk, the alcohol-induced sleepiness is still creeping up their bodies, threatening the party to simmer down to an early bedtime if they don’t do something about it. They leave the cabin and venture into the cold night air.

They walk along the lake, no soul in sight, just the four of them, laughing and talking. It fills Tyler with an immense sense of freedom – right now they could do anything and get away with it. He looks around at the faint silhouette of trees. He could just take Josh’s hand in disappear into the darkness forever. Josh, however, is busy talking to Ryan about a ‘Psychology of Language’ course he took last year.

‘You can learn so much by the way people talk. It’s the most personal thing people do,’ Josh explains excitedly. Tyler mentally slaps himself for not listening to Josh more. He never really took his time to talk to him about psychology, about his dreams and hobbies, about him, really. Their time together is so scarce it feels like every moment needs to be about them, whispering sweet nothings and holding each other’s hands just because they can. They barely spend any time as their separate beings.

But right now Ryan is preoccupied talking to Josh and it’s the perfect moment to try to get Brendon to tone it down a bit.

‘Thanks for the presents. The condoms were a bit unnecessary, but the ice cream bowl was really cute. And the scrapbook… I couldn’t ask for a better present,’ Tyler comments sincerely. He can almost imagine himself, old and withered, looking through the pictures and remembering Brendon, his youth, all the times that go by so quickly, he forgets to treasure them.

‘It was nothing. I started collecting pictures for the scrapbook years ago. I wanted to give it to you before you left, but it wasn’t finished yet,’ Brendon explains, first time this evening that Tyler has seen his friend serious. The seriousness doesn’t last long, though.

‘Also, I had to make good first impressions,’ Brendon jokes, motioning towards Ryan and Josh who are currently discussing whether pessimism in poetry truly reflects poet’s feelings or if it’s just a common theme in poetry that poets seem somehow obliged to cover. Tyler slows his pace down a bit to get out of the earshot of the pair.

‘Yeah, about that, you might want to, you know, go a bit slower,’ he turns to Brendon. ‘Ryan’s not really in the best place right now, especially concerning his sexuality. I just don’t want either of you to get hurt.’

Brendon stops in his tracks, slightly taken aback.

‘It’s not my intention to hurt him, I’m just flirting, you know. It won’t kill a person to accept a compliment,’ he tries to defend himself.

‘I know,’ Tyler nods. ‘By all means, flirt away. Just don’t push it, okay? He’s… fragile.’

‘Don’t worry, I know when to stop,’ Brendon nods reassuringly and continues walking, catching up to Josh and Ryan who don’t seem to have noticed anything. Ryan points towards the lake then and turns around to the rest of the group.

‘There’s a bench down there by the lake if you guys want to sit down for a few minutes before we head back,’ he explains. Brendon and Tyler nod and the four of them make their way to the bench, Tyler almost falling down the steep incline, barely catching himself on Josh’s shoulder.

They sit on the bench and just stare over the lake, moonlight reflecting of the shimmering surface. Tyler gets lost in the beauty of it all when he feels something cold on his arm. He yelps and moves away instinctually before he realizes Brendon is offering him a bottle that he must’ve brought with him.

‘Wow, what did whiskey ever do to you?’ Brendon jokes, taken aback by Tyler’s reaction. The four of them laugh as Tyler slowly takes the bottle and takes a sip. The liquor burns his throat but he keeps himself from coughing. There’s this strange sense of rebellion and companionship that comes with drinking whiskey straight from the bottle. He passes the whiskey on to Josh who takes a swig and passes it back to Ryan on the other side of the bench. Josh puts on some music on his phone, quiet and in the background, still allowing conversation. They go forth, drinking and talking for a while, mostly about the cabin, the lake and Ryan’s grandfather. Eventually the conversation dies down and a comfortable silence settles over them, interrupted only by the soft music blaring in the background. Tyler sighs and leans his head against Josh’s shoulder, the late hour catching up to him. Josh leans his head against his and reaches for his hand. They stay like this for a while, just enjoying each other’s closeness. But as hot as it is in Florida in the summer, the nights still get cold and as the direct rush of alcohol is no longer keeping him warm, Tyler finds his feet getting cold, protected merely by the plastic of flip-flops.

‘Should we head back?’ Tyler asks, lifting his head. There’s a confused sound that comes from the other side of the bench and as Tyler turns to look he’s met by what could only be described as a look of betrayal in Brendon’s eyes. Ryan yawns and looks around in confusion, apparently having dozed off for a bit. And apparently using Brendon’s shoulder as a pillow. Tyler looks at Brendon apologetically and Brendon lets out a sigh, but then goes back to his smiling self.

‘How long was I out?’ Ryan asks meekly, still looking around in confusion, like he tries to remember how he got there.

‘Not long. A few minutes,’ Brendon answers sweetly and helps Ryan up.

‘Sorry about that,’ Ryan apologizes, clearly embarrassed about falling asleep.

‘No worries. You’re cute when you sleep,’ Brendon reassures, looking at Ryan intently. His mouth is stretched in a flirtatious cocky smile, but his eyes are deep and serious.

Ryan huffs nervously and looks down to his feet for a second, but then shakes his head quickly and glances back up to Brendon who’s already heading back up the incline to the pathway they came from. Ryan looks back at Josh and Tyler who are still standing by the bench, watching the exchange from afar. Josh smiles encouragingly and Ryan shakes his head again before following Brendon.

When they get back to the cabin, it’s already 2.38 in the morning and all Tyler can think of is bed. Bed and Josh. In bed. Not in a particularly sexual way. Just them, close, cuddling, sleeping in each other’s personal space. Tyler smiles at the thought.

‘I think I’m just gonna go to sleep,’ he announces, not wanting to keep the rest from continuing the party if they want to. Brendon’s affirmative groaning tells him they probably won’t.

‘Yeah, me too,’ Ryan agrees and they all clamor upstairs, deciding that plates and glasses are a problem for future them. Tyler quickly brushes his teeth before stripping down to his boxers and climbing into bed. He waits for Josh to follow suit, but minutes go past and Tyler grows impatient.

‘Josh! Come to bed!’ he calls out, not caring if Ryan and Brendon hear his desperate calls.

‘Coming!’ comes from the stairs. A few seconds later Josh comes in the room, carrying two glasses of water.

‘What are you doing?’ Tyler asks sleepily. He wants to cuddle with his boyfriend and said boyfriend better have a good excuse for keeping him waiting.

‘You’re gonna thank me in the morning,’ Josh says with a wink, puts the glasses down on his nightstand and starts undressing. Soon enough he’s lying next to Tyler, their lips briefly connecting before he settles down next to his boyfriend. Tyler lays his head gently on Josh’s chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing. He’s sure he wanted to say something, but the steady beat of Josh’s heart and the warmth of their bodies pressed together lull him to sleep before he can think of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week is a bit busy so the next chapter might come on Friday instead of Thursday. Sorry bout that.


	9. This is the beat that makes your mother cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys planned a nice lake house getaway, but things don't go according to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Lurk by The Neighbourhood.
> 
> Warnings: starting with smut and then taking a deep dive into angst.

When Tyler wakes up, there’s sunlight peeking through the blinds, his head is pounding and his mouth is utterly dry. He hasn’t had a hangover this bad in a long time. He’s still tangled up with Josh who appears to be sound asleep, his face peaceful, mouth slightly agape. He looks beautiful, Tyler thinks, but then he notices two glasses of water sitting on Josh’s nightstand and realizes just how thirsty he is. He tries his best to untangle himself from his boyfriend without waking him up and reaches for the glass.

‘Tyler?’ Josh’s groggy voice startles him. He’s looking up at Tyler’s body, blinking in confusion but still smiling.

‘Water,’ Tyler says simply as he takes the glass off the nightstand. Josh giggles quietly and reaches for the other glass.

‘Sorry for waking you up,’ Tyler apologizes after his thirst is quenched, sets down his glass on his nightstand and lays back down on the bed, propping himself on his elbow. Josh shakes his head and does the same.

‘Don’t apologize. You’re a nice sight to wake up to,’ Josh says with a wink and rolls onto Tyler, pushing him down against the bed. Tyler’s throbbing head protests to the sudden movement but not hard enough to stop wherever this is going.

‘Likewise,’ Tyler agrees and smiles up at Josh who’s looking at him with a sly smile and a twinkle in his eye as he moves down to connect their lips. Tyler means to protest that they both have morning breath after a night of drinking but doesn’t get a chance before he forgets all reserves and melts into the kiss. It takes about two seconds of languid kissing for Josh to reposition himself so that he’s straddling Tyler’s legs, getting more aggressive as he grabs Tyler’s shoulders to steady himself, mouth moving faster against mouth. It takes Tyler a bit by surprise but his brain can’t find a reason to stop so he closes his eyes and goes with it. Josh pulls away to let them both breath but doesn’t move for more than an inch. They both keep their eyes closed, not daring to break the immersion.

‘You know, they say sex helps with hangovers,’ Josh whispers, a little breathless. In a second Tyler’s heart starts racing, his boxers getting tight around his growing erection. The closeness and the darkness of closed eyes are making the feeling more intimate, but also make Tyler feel safer. Josh is not forcing him into anything. It’s just a joke he can laugh off, but it’s also an invitation. An invitation for Tyler to initiate something without too much fuss. He can say no. He can stop this and he knows Josh won’t be angry. But he’s not doing this for Josh.

‘Let’s find out,’ Tyler answers and tries to blindly find Josh’s lips with his own. Josh’s breath shudders against his cheek, like he was holding it back, waiting for Tyler to say something. Their lips connect with more passion than ever before, hands exploring each other’s bodies, promising more, their bodies moving ever closer and faster with Josh’s small thrusts. Tyler’s not afraid like he was before. He’s nervous but it’s good nerves. It’s butterflies in his stomach and shivers down his spine, but it’s not just waiting for the main event. It’s him giving himself completely to the moment, enjoying every touch and every kiss.

Josh’s hand moves slowly across Tyler’s torso. Tyler barely notices it, overwhelmed with sensations. But then he _notices_. First, Josh’s hand just brushes over the top of his boxers, but then it presses harder, sending a pulse of pressure through Tyler’s body and making him moan. It’s then that Tyler realizes that they’re not being exactly discreet and Brendon and Ryan are just down the hall. He pushes the thought out of his head. They’re either still asleep, too far to hear them or have already heard them. At this point they could just walk in the room and he wouldn’t stop.

Josh suddenly moves away then and Tyler looks around in confusion before he realizes Josh is taking his boxers off. He’s fumbling, trying to get them off as quickly as possible and then moves on to Tyler’s boxers. In a matter of seconds they’re both naked, Josh’s eyes taking in the view. Tyler always thought he’d feel exposed in a situation like this, but he doesn’t. A mix of urgency and adoration in Josh’s eyes makes him feel wanted, sexy even. He knows he doesn’t look half as good as Josh does, but it bothers him more when they’re dressed. Now, they’re busy adoring each other.

Josh straddles Tyler’s legs again, their naked bodies brushing against each other. It’s a new sensation for Tyler, his whole world encompassed in Josh’s body. Josh starts kissing Tyler again, moving languidly against Tyler’s body. It’s good, but it’s not enough.

Tyler pushes up against Josh and rolls them over, taking Josh by surprise, judging by his yelp. For a moment he feels intimidated by his sudden position of power, seeing Josh sprawled out underneath him, looking at him with curiosity, giving him complete freedom over what happens next. Tyler hesitates for a moment, but collects himself soon enough, leaning down to Josh’s neck and planting feather-light kisses across his chest. He stops briefly around each nipple, tugging on them gently, resulting in Josh closing his eyes and his breath catching. Tyler takes the opportunity to move further down Josh’s body, peppering kisses down his V-line, stopping for a second before reaching his erection. Josh moves higher up the bed to prep himself against the bed and just watches Tyler intently, mouth slightly open and breathing ragged in anticipation.

Tyler focuses on Josh’s cock and runs his tongue up the whole length before taking the tip into his mouth. He tightens his lips and moves down experimentally. He’s never done this, but he’s thought about it a lot. It was one of his greatest fantasies, Josh’s dick hitting the back of his throat as he takes him in whole, swallowing up Josh’s come, warm and bitter deep in his mouth. Thinking about it and doing it, however, are vastly different in this case, so Tyler moves up and down slowly, taking it just a little deeper with every go, but Josh doesn’t seem to complain. Hearing the wetness of his mouth mixing with his involuntary whimpers and Josh’s moans turns him on way too much. Tyler instinctively reaches for his own dick and starts stroking slowly, just to give himself some stimulation before he goes crazy.

After a minute he can already feel himself starting to gag. He stops for a second, tears stinging his eyes and then pushes a bit deeper. It’s uncomfortable and for a moment he considers aborting the whole endeavor, but then he hears Josh moan his name and just knowing how much pleasure this is bringing him is worth any discomfort.

Tyler feels Josh’s hands on his head, trying to get a grip on something, but failing due to Tyler’s short hair. That doesn’t stop Josh from trying to push Tyler further down his cock, his breathing erratic, broken by small moans and curses. Tyler complies, trying his best to relax his throat and pushing deeper but no matter how hot he finds the whole thing, his throat won’t cooperate. He feels a pulse of nausea as his throat constricts, pulls away and takes a moment to collect himself. He can hear Josh shifting under him.

‘Are you okay?’ Josh asks, concerned, but still breathing heavily, his eyes glazed over and lustful. Tyler nods, the wave of nausea thankfully subsiding. He means to apologize for stopping, but before he can open his mouth, he’s being pushed into the bed, Josh’s body looming over him, Josh’s legs between his own. There’s mouth on his, the slide facilitated by Tyler’s saliva slicked lips and he welcomes the distraction. He knows gag reflex is normal and he expected something like this to happen, but he can’t help but to feel a bit disappointed in himself. He doesn’t have time for self-pity, though, because Josh’s hand finds a way past his cock, past his balls and is now gently brushing over his hole. Tyler freezes for a moment, heart jumping at Josh’s not so subtle notion of what’s to come. Josh pauses their kissing.

‘You can top if you’re not comfortable with this. And we can stop anytime if you change your mind,’ he murmurs, keeping their faces close and their bodies pressed together, just doing a quick check. Tyler doesn’t even have to think about it.

‘No, I want this, I want you inside me,’ Tyler whispers, pushing gently against Josh’s finger. Josh gives him a quick kiss, tugging on his lower lip when he pulls away to reach into his nightstand. He pulls out a small bottle of lube and a pack of condoms, pops open the lube and coats his fingers in it. Tyler gulps. He’s used lube before to finger himself, but it never felt as intimate or hot as this. He shifts, opening his legs further for easier access just as Josh finishes with the lube. Josh apparently notices and gives him a dark burning look and a cocked smile. Tyler’s breath hitches as his dick throbs with anticipation. He’s never been this hard in his life, the sensation bordering on painful and the feeling itself is turning him on further.

Josh moves up his body again, setting one hand on the headboard to steady himself while the other teases Tyler’s entrance, pushing a lube-slicked finger in to the first joint. Tyler inhales sharply and then forces himself to relax. The angle is a bit different than when he fingers himself, it’s strange but it feels good. Josh leans down to catch Tyler’s lips with his own, distract him as he pushes deeper. Tyler’s muscles clench around his finger and then relaxing again. Josh imagines the feeling around his cock, the idea driving him crazy, but he knows he can’t rush it. He pulls the finger almost all the way out and pushes back in, faster, deeper. Tyler gasps and pushes back against Josh’s finger until Josh is knuckle-deep in Tyler. Josh grunts approvingly at Tyler’s eagerness and repeats the motion a few more times before adding a finger. This time Tyler doesn’t push back, but buries his fingers into the sheets, bracing himself for the intrusion. Josh goes slowly, small movements in and out, getting ever deeper and Tyler getting more and more restless, huffing and shifting with every thrust, his fingers griping the sheets to keep steady.

When Josh’s fingers are sliding in and out comfortably enough, he curves them inside, searching for that special spot. It takes him a few tries, but eventually Tyler’s body trembles and he opens his eyes and locks them with Josh’s. They’re glazed over, pupils dilated and staring right at Josh with a look he can’t quite place. And then a single word, barely audible, escapes his mouth: ‘Please.’

Josh nods, he’s not good with words right now, and pauses for a second. He takes in the sight, Tyler sprawled out in front of him, dick hard, fists clutching the bed sheets, two fingers inside of him and pleading for more. He needs to remember this, burn the picture into the back of his mind for all the times Tyler won’t be able to be there. Josh repeats the movement a few more times, taking a mental note of the right angle as Tyler whimpers under him with every brush of fingers against his prostate. He quickly adds the third finger, this time facing more resistance as he slowly pushes in.

‘Fuck,’ Tyler gasps, the stretch of the third finger shooting a pang of pain up his spine, mixing with pleasure in his brain, the blend of it both intoxicating and clouding his mind. He knows he has his eyes open, but he can’t focus on anything, but the intense feeling of Josh’s fingers stretching him open, pushing deeper and deeper until he’s almost knuckle deep. And then Josh pulls out suddenly, Tyler’s muscles instinctively tensing at the loss of pressure. Tyler grinds down on the bed, searching for any sort of friction while Josh fumbles with the condom. Tyler barely notices Josh curse as some lube drips on the bed sheets, because then he’s above him again, bending Tyler’s legs to position himself between them. And then Tyler feels himself being stretched again. Josh lets out a low guttural groan as he pushes in fast, his self-control waning.

‘Oh, God, fuck,’ Tyler curses. His fingernails dig into the palm of his hand as he grips the sheets harder. He’s felt full with three fingers inside of him, but this feels different, headier. Josh picks up a pace and starts moving, thrusting rhythmically and changing his angle slightly with every thrust, searching for the sensitive spot. Tyler’s sure he’s found it when his body shivers, a wave of pleasure flooding his brain, but then Josh readjusts and hits it straight on. Tyler can hear himself cry out, back arching and fists clenching. He’s sure he’d draw blood if the sheets weren’t in the way, but he barely notices the pain. Still, he lets go of the sheets and reaches up for Josh, his fingernails scraping over Josh’s sweat-slicked shoulders and tightening around his arms.

Josh’s pace is getting faster and faster and he can feel himself getting closer. The tightness of Tyler’s asshole and his moans and cries are driving him crazy, but he wants Tyler to come first, wants to feel Tyler tighten around him and prostate stimulation itself won’t do it. Tyler’s cock is already leaking precome, erect against his stomach and moving with Josh’s thrusts. Without thinking, Josh untangles his arms from Tyler’s grip and pins Tyler’s wrists down above his head. He can hear Tyler gasp and for a second he fears he might have crossed a line, but then Tyler moans his name and it’s the sexiest sound Josh has ever heard. He keeps one hand on Tyler’s wrists, not really afraid he’ll try to break free and moves the other to Tyler’s cock, gripping it gently, hand still slick from lube.

Tyler inhales sharply as a whole new stimulation joins his already overflowed brain. He instinctively arches his back, trying to push deeper into Josh’s fist, his wrists straining in Josh’s grip. He could break free if he wanted to, he has no doubt Josh would let him, but for some reason he’s perfectly fine being pinned down, giving up his last bits of control. Josh’s rhythm doesn’t weaver as he starts stroking Tyler’s dick in time with the thrusts, bringing Tyler closer and closer to the brink. Tyler keeps getting louder with every stroke, his vocabulary reduced to noises and curses.

And then a rippling shock wave of pleasure hits Tyler’s body as he shudders and comes, sticky liquid hitting his chest, muscles tensing around Josh’s dick. He can hear their moans mixing together, feel Josh’s erratic thrusts. He’s still pounding into him, chasing his own release, but Tyler barely notices, aftershocks of his orgasm clouding his mind. Suddenly, Josh comes to a stop with a loud groan and lets go of Tyler’s wrists to hold himself up. They both take a moment to calm down, breathing evening and heartbeat slowing before Josh pulls out and collapses next to Tyler. After a few seconds, he reaches into the nightstand, pulls out a plastic bag and discards his condom.

Josh lies back down next to Tyler and they lie side by side for a few moments before Josh laughs and props himself on one elbow. He looks at Tyler, eyes filled with bliss and admiration.

‘How do you feel?’ he asks softly, reaching his hand out to caress Tyler’s face. Tyler smiles up at his lover and bites his lip to keep himself from outright giggling. He’s so in love.

‘I feel great. This was… great,’ Tyler assures, words obviously not flowing like they should. Josh huffs a quick laugh and gives Tyler a quick kiss.

‘It was amazing,’ Josh agrees. He’s running his hand up and down Tyler’s still-naked torso, soothingly and slowly, in a complete contrast with the grabbing and thrusting of their previous activities. Tyler almost likes this better than the sex.

‘We need to get cleaned up,’ Josh sighs after a few moments, clearly wanting to prolong the inevitable as long as possible.

‘Yeah,’ Tyler reluctantly agrees. There’s come splatters on his belly and his asshole is covered with lube. They’re both sweaty, Josh’s pink hair damp and ruffed up. They look sexy to each other but it’s not a pleasant sight for an outside eye.

‘We need to leave the room to get to the bathroom,’ Josh reminds him and Tyler curses under his breath. If he knows Brendon, he’s probably either left the house, dragging Ryan behind, to give them privacy, or is standing right on the other side of the door, listening in. He’s very much hoping for the first option.

‘Come on,’ Josh beckons as he stands up and holds a hand out for Tyler. Tyler reluctantly takes it and pulls himself on his feet. As soon as he moves, he feels it. His ass hurts. It’s not a powerful pain, but it definitely feels sore. Tyler makes a few experimental steps, trying to look normal, though judging by Josh’s cocked smile, he knows exactly what’s going on. Tyler doesn’t mind the pain. It reminds him of everything that just happened, of being pushed open and filled up.

They pull on their boxers (and a shirt for Tyler to hide the dried come) and bolt to the bathroom. There’s no one in the corridor and Tyler can just faintly hear Brendon and Ryan talking downstairs. That’s good. They reach the bathroom and clean each other up. It’s a weird feeling, having someone clean dried come off of you when that someone is the one who made you come in the first place, but it seems fitting, somehow.

‘We should really get down there,’ Josh says when they’re back in their room getting properly dressed. Tyler nods quietly. He’s reluctant to leave this room where they seem to have built this bubble for themselves and face reality (and by reality he means Brendon teasing the shit out of him).

‘Let’s go,’ Tyler agrees and pulls his boyfriend through the door and down the stairs. As expected, Brendon and Ryan stop talking as soon as the pair enters the room. They’re both sitting on the couch, mugs in hands.

‘Well, you guys sure aren’t quiet,’ Brendon says then, winks, stands up from the couch and moves toward the kitchen. He sets his mug on the table on the way and the sweet smell of coffee hits Tyler.

‘Coffee?’ Brendon asks, opening a cupboard to get the mugs.

‘Yes, please,’ Josh answers, completely unfazed by Brandon’s earlier comment.

‘Tyler?’ Brendon asks when he doesn’t answer right away. It doesn’t necessarily bother him that Brendon talks about his sex life so openly, but just feels like he should be ashamed and no one is making him feel like that. Everyone is completely casual and it takes Tyler by surprise.

‘Yes,’ Tyler says quietly and watches as Brendon stuffs a moka pot with coffee. Tyler smiles at the sight. Brendon refuses to drink coffee from coffee machines, claiming moka pots are the only way to make real coffee. He’s been using the same one through college and the sight of it reminds Tyler of the early morning when he’s been in dire need of coffee, trying his best to make the pot work while Brendon was still asleep after a night of partying. His cursing when coffee spilled all across the floor eventually woke Brendon up and he gave him a ‘brief’ lecture on coffee brewing that made him late for class.

Once Brendon is done with the pot, putting it on the electric plate, he turns around, leaning back on the counter. He raises his breow inquisitivelyand his gaze darts from Josh to Tyler and back.

‘So, enjoyed the morning?’ he asks playfully and wiggles his eyebrows.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Josh quickly confirms, seemingly enjoying Brendon’s good-willed mockery. Normally, Tyler would just quietly blush and hope Brendon doesn’t notice, but somehow, Josh’s reaction made him relax a bit.

‘The beds are sturdy for their age,’ Tyler comments and reaches for a glass to fill it with water. The sex helped with the hangover temporarily, chemicals flooding his brain with pleasure, but the headache and dehydration were still there. Josh giggles at his comment and Brendon looks surprised for a second, but then laughs as well.

‘I’m sure they are,’ Brendon mutters and turns to Tyler with a supportive smile. ‘Anyway, I’m glad you’re happy. You’re happy right?’

‘Very,’ Tyler smiles at his friend’s worry and looks at Josh who’s looking back at him lovingly. It’s not even about sex. They could’ve just woken up and exchanged some lazy kisses and had a late breakfast and he’d be just as happy. Josh quickly hugs Tyler from the side and gives him a little squeeze. The moka pot starts sizzling then and Brendon focuses on making coffee again.

They eventually sit down for breakfast, the smell of fresh coffee and fried bacon filling the air. Tyler usually isn’t much for food when hungover, but he’s hungry now, for some reason. Brendon finally lets his favorite theme of Tyler’s sex life go.

‘So are we going swimming today?’ Josh asks, between sips of his coffee. Ryan is just about to answer when Brendon groans loudly.

‘We didn’t go skinny-dipping last night! We were drunk, we were right by the lake, we could’ve just jumped in,’ Brendon exclaims. Tyler remembers Brendon mentioning that they need to go skinny-dipping on this trip. Skinny-dipping has become sort of an annual tradition with him and Brendon. They’d always go to Lake Erie and sneak in the cover of night, usually intoxicated. This year was their first time in five years that they didn’t get the opportunity to do that.

‘Well, there’s gators out at night. We couldn’t go skinny-dipping anyway,’ Ryan explains, trying to cheer Brendon up about his missed chance. ‘I’m not really comfortable skinny-dipping during the day, though. But we can go swimming, yes.’

‘Okay,’ Brendon sighs, clearly upset over breaking of the tradition. ‘But we still have to go skinny-dipping together at some point, even if I have to drag you up to Ohio.’

‘I’d love to do that sometime,’ Josh comments. ‘I’ve never really gone skinny-dipping before.’

‘Oh, you’re missing out. It’s so freeing. And it’s so much better if you’re also drunk,’ Brendon starts, bacon completely forgotten as he’s explaining the appeal of swimming in the nude to Josh.

Ryan’s phone starts vibrating as they’re finishing their breakfast. He frowns as he looks at the screen and then answers.

‘Hello?’

His frown deepens.

‘Yes, this is Ryan Ross speaking,’ he says, stands up and heads outside, motioning to the table to resume the conversation. Brendon continues with his story of their first skinny-dipping, but Tyler can tell he’s much less enthusiastic about it, the sudden phone call clearly taking everyone by surprise.

A few minutes later, Ryan returns. Tyler can immediately tell something is wrong. His shoulders are hunched and he looks pale. They all look at him, but nobody says anything.

‘It’s my father,’ Ryan explains and Tyler already knows what’s coming. ‘He’s… He’s died.’

There’s tears on Ryan’s cheeks now and he’s making no attempt to wipe them. Tyler’s eyes start welling up and he’s searching for something to say.

‘Fuck, Ryan,’ Brendon curses, his happy-go-lucky attitude immediately overtaken by seriousness and empathy.

‘I’m so sorry, Ryan,’ Josh says, voice quavering. ‘What happened? Is your mom okay?’

‘It was the hospital staff. They said my mom was in no state to make a call, but asked that I’m notified,’ Ryan explains.

‘Oh, Ryan, are you okay? This must be hard for you,’ Tyler says. He sees how fragile Ryan is, sees the wheels turning in his head as he’s processing the news, going through his stages of grief.

‘It’s just… This can’t be coincidence,’ Ryan says quietly, brow furrowing and breathing quickening. He fixes his gaze on Brendon. There’s tears in his eyes, but he’s visibly trying to keep them at bay.

‘This can’t just be a fucking coincidence. He dies in the same night that I… What we did… Fuck!’ Ryan is clearly panicking now, voice raising and accusatory. He storms out of the cabin, not even bothering to close the door behind him. Everybody’s quiet for a second, unsure what the best course of action is.

‘What did you do?’ Tyler asks Brendon, words coming out much harsher than he wanted. Brendon looks at Tyler angrily and huffs.

‘Nothing. I didn’t do anything. Why is everyone accusing me?’ Brendon defends himself. He’s visibly frustrated, but doesn’t seem confused by Ryan’s accusations. After a moment, he sighs in defeat.

‘We kissed last night, but it wasn’t all my fault. After we went to bed, we talked for a while and we were close and he was leaning closer and you both know how I feel about him so I took my opportunity. But he kissed me back. You know I would’ve stopped if he refused,’ Brendon explains angrily, speaking fast and unintelligibly. Tyler closes his eyes. It all makes sense now. Ryan’s just gotten out of his toxic mindset of internalized homophobia, he’s gotten comfortable enough to share a kiss with another man and now he’s back to square one.

‘I’m going to check up on him,’ Josh says quietly and stands up to follow Ryan outside. Tyler and Brendon follow him out. Ryan is sitting by a large tree near the cabin, hugging his legs and leaning on the trunk. Tears are streaming down his face, but he’s quiet except for an occasional sob.

‘Ryan, are you okay? Do you need to talk or should we give you some time alone?’ Josh asks, approaching slowly but persistently. His posture is calm and collected, professional even, seemingly the product of his psych studies. Ryan watches all of them approaching and shrugs.

‘I’m not okay. My father died. I should’ve known. He was dying anyway. I should’ve waited,’ Ryan murmurs. It’s barely audible, as if he’s just started saying his thoughts aloud instead of keeping them in his own head.

‘What’s wrong, Ryan? What should you have waited for?’ Josh asks cautiously. There’s no actual curiosity in his voice. He probably figured out what’s going on, but wants Ryan to explain it in his own terms, Tyler gathers.

‘I’m gay. I try not to be. For my father. He’d hate to see me give in to my tendencies. I wanted to hold off, at least as long as he was still alive. And I couldn’t,’ Ryan explains, his body shaking with sobs now.

‘Last night I kissed Brendon and my father died,’ he says through gritted teeth as if saying the two things in the same sentence somehow connects them. He looks up toward Josh for the first time since he started talking. ‘And I know that the two… are not connected, but for… for all I know they could be… He sees everything and… this could as well be… His way of punishing me.’

By the end of the sentence the speech is almost completely muffled by saliva and snot, interrupted by sobs every few words. Tyler’s heart sinks seeing his friend like this.

‘That’s fucked up,’ Brendon whispers next to Tyler, but apparently loud enough for Ryan to hear. Ryan’s gaze fixes on Brendon. He shakes his head slowly, expression darkening.

‘We just had to kiss, did we? One more day and it would’ve been fine. If you just had the decency to wait one more day instead of luring me into your sin,’ Ryan spits out, his face going from sad to angry, tears drying and sobs becoming fast and heaving. Brendon’s expression mirrors Ryan’s, his mostly expressionless serious face frowning into that of anger, palms tightening into fists. It happens too quickly for Tyler or Josh to intervene.

‘Are you seriously blaming me? I didn’t know how fucked up you were about this. You could’ve stopped me and you didn’t, so this is all on you, buddy,’ Brendon retorts. Ryan’s anger wanes as quickly as it flared up. Tears start welling in his eyes and he hangs his head down, hiding it from view.

‘I know. It’s all my fault,’ Ryan says quietly. His sobbing has quieted down and is reminiscent of small hiccups now. Josh looks at Brendon bitterly, as if to say ‘look what you’ve done now’, and crouches down next to Ryan, talking to him softly. Brendon’s features soften, but he still looks irritated.

‘I need to get home. I can come back for you tomorrow if you want to stay,’ Ryan says then, voice raspy from crying.

‘No way am I letting you drive in this state. Give us ten minutes. We’ll pack and we can go back to Orlando. I don’t think anyone here wants to stay here longer,’ Josh says, glancing at the rest of them. Tyler and Brendon nod, the latter turning and heading back to the cabin. His arms are crossed, but he’s visibly calmer than he was a minute ago.

‘We’ll pack for you. Calm down a little, cry as much as you need to. We understand you’re grieving. Even Brendon understands, he’s just irritable,’ Josh says calmly and pats Ryan’s shoulder before rising up and heading back towards the cabin with Tyler.

‘Leave Brendon alone for a while. He only calms down if he’s got some time alone,’ Tyler explains, having experienced Brendon’s outbursts many times before. Josh nods thoughtfully.

‘I figured,’ he agrees. He’s dealt with people like that through his studies.

They quickly pack, grabbing the few things they’ve taken out of their suitcases and throwing them back into them. When Josh and Tyler are done, Brendon’s already waiting downstairs with two suitcases, his and Ryan’s.

‘Let’s go,’ he says quietly when he notices them. He seems calm, but his eyes are red and puffy. Just as they step outside, Ryan approaches them and enters the cabin. Before anyone can react, he’s back outside, cabin keys in one hand and car keys in the other. He locks the doors and heads toward the car, all without saying a word.

‘Absolutely not,’ Josh breaks the silence as Ryan starts unlocking the driver’s door. Ryan looks at him in confusion.

‘You are not driving in this state. You’re upset. Let me drive,’ Josh says softly but demandingly enough that Ryan hands him the keys with a sigh. They get in the car and Josh points the car back toward Orlando. The journey passes in silence, broken only by an occasional route guidance from Ryan. Tyler is stuck on the back seat with Brendon, who’s still faintly emanating anger. He seems to be stuck in this perpetual circle of being angry, calming down, remembering what happened and getting angry again. Ryan on the other hand just seems sad. Tyler wants to ask Josh to turn on the car radio, but he’s too afraid to speak in the tension that’s enveloping the car. This won’t be fixed anytime soon, Tyler thinks as Orlando skyline grows ever closer.


	10. It's hard when we argue, we're both stubborn, I know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the dreadful phone call the boys deal with the aftermath, each on their own way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Sweet Creature by Harry Styles.
> 
> Warning: some smut. Also angst.

'What's wrong with Brendon?’ Zack asks after Brendon leaves the breakfast table in complete silence.

‘Ryan’s father’s death hit him hard,’ Tyler explains with a shrug. Over the last two days since they’ve come from the trip, Brendon’s been moping around, forcing himself to be cheery only when Tyler’s parents were around. Tyler has never seen him like that before, even when his boyfriend of three months (the longest relationship he’s managed) broke up with him. He wasn’t angry anymore, though, from what Tyler could tell, more worried and sad.

‘That was a shock, yes. I didn’t even know he as sick,’ Zack agrees. Ryan’s come by yesterday to tell them that the funeral was to be hold tomorrow afternoon at the local graveyard. Tyler tried to reach out to him, make him talk things out, but Ryan just left. Tyler’s afraid of what’s going on in the neighbor’s house. Ryan’s mother was already fragile and this must’ve broken her. Ryan, of course, isn’t in a much better state himself, but Tyler respects their privacy too much to go over uninvited.

‘I just hope Ryan and his mother are okay,’ Tyler voices his worries.

‘I know. They’ll get through. Ryan’s stronger than he seems,’ Zack tries to comfort him as he puts the cereal bowl into the sink.

‘I have to get ready for the game,’ Zack excuses himself and runs upstairs. Orlando Magic have invited Tyler’s father to watch their training and Zack has taken the opportunity to tag along. Tyler’s mother is also hitching a ride into downtown Orlando for a job interview, so Tyler’s got the house to himself, save for Maddy, Jay and Brendon. It’s a perfect opportunity to meet with Josh, but since Tyler doesn’t have a car, Josh’s coming over.

It’s not half an hour after the Joseph car leaves the driveway when a different car drives up. Tyler immediately jumps up from the couch where he’s been halfheartedly watching cartoon with the kids.

‘Hey, sweetheart,’ Josh greets Tyler with a quick kiss as he enters. His smile immediately reflects on Tyler’s face, the first time Tyler has smiled since that dreadful phone call.

‘Hi,’ Tyler greets back and leads his boyfriend to the living room. Josh greets the kids, but only gets a halfhearted hum in response. They settle on the couch, comfortably touching, but not yet cuddling. The kids focus on the cartoon, letting them sneak an occasional kiss.

‘I brought you a gift,’ Josh whispers at some point, shifting Tyler’s attention from an evil-looking greenish scientist laughing maniacally on the TV.

‘Mhm?’ Tyler hums and rests his head on Josh’s shoulder. ‘What is it?’

‘I’ll show you later,’ Josh answers. Tyler shifts his head and gives Josh a questioning look. Josh giggles quietly and Tyler can’t help himself as he leans in for a kiss. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Maddy glancing in their direction and quickly pulls away.

‘Let’s go to my room,’ Tyler suggests and Josh eagerly nods. They climb up the stairs, Maddy’s gaze following them with a raised eyebrow. Tyler ignores it and leads Josh into his room. Brendon is sitting on Zack’s bed that is actually temporarily his, as Zack moved to the couch for the duration of Brendon’s stay.

‘Oh, hi,’ Brendon mumbles as they enter the room. He seems distant and thoughtful. ‘I’ll give you some space.’

Brendon quickly picks up his laptop and leaves the room. He’s acting strangely, Tyler thinks, but lets it go for now, focusing on his boyfriend instead.

‘So, you said you have a gift?’ Tyler asks when they are alone. He has no idea what the present is. Josh doesn’t seem to have anything on him. His mind immediately goes to the memories of the last night they spent together, but he doesn’t think Josh would really initiate anything like that with Brendon and the kids in the house.

‘Yeah, check your e-mail,’ Josh nods excitedly. ‘It’s nothing big, just wanted to help you out a bit.’

Tyler furrows his brow in confusion and sets up his laptop. He quickly logs into his e-mail account and finds Josh’s mail, subjected as ‘The Present’. He opens it in anticipation, Josh settling up next to him. The page opens to a short box of text, followed by a list of links. Tyler glances through the text.

‘Hi, sweetheart,

I’m sorry to bring this up, but it’s about time to start thinking about the next school year. I know the bureaucracy around it can be a pain in the ass (and not the good kind ;)) so I thought it might be nice to get all the links you’ll need to enroll in UCF. It’s not perfect, but they offer some great programs and the people are quite nice too. I’m sure you’ll grow to love it.’

After the text there’s a list of hyperlinked words, denoting the content of the links: deadlines, programs, enrollment form and the list goes on. Tyler gulps. His hands become a bit shaky. He’s not going to UCF. He never said he would. He doesn't know where Josh got the idea that Tyler was staying. He had already made plans with his family to go back to Ohio to take care of the house and finish college there. He needs to tell Josh. He’ll be disappointed, but it’s better than leading him on.

‘Um… thanks,’ Tyler mumbles.

‘I know it’s not much, but I wanted to make the transition as easy as possible,’ Josh explains. ‘I know changing schools can be hard, but I’m here to help you. And as far as the lodging goes, I think it goes without saying that you’re staying with me.’

Josh leans down and slowly kisses Tyler. For a moment Tyler entertains the idea: kissing Josh good morning, lazy breakfasts in their underwear, being late for class because he just didn’t want to leave, remembering the nighttime activities every time he moves, texting ‘I miss u’ eight times a day, coming back from class and cuddling for a movie… It’s a beautiful picture and Tyler gets lost in the kiss. He needs to tell Josh, but maybe not now. Now’s not the time.

There’s a knock on the door, making Tyler jolt back. Josh giggles at his jumpiness, but lets Tyler go.

‘Sorry, I forgot my charger, are you decent?’ Brendon asks before entering the room without waiting for an answer. He seems distraught and intent, grabs his charger and leaves the room, the door gaping open behind him.

‘What’s wrong with Brendon? He seems upset,’ Josh observes. ‘I mean, I understand Ryan’s father’s death was hard on him too, but still.’

Tyler sighs. Brendon is trying really hard to hide his feelings. He’s shit at that, but he’s trying. And that means something is really wrong.

‘Go downstairs, I’ll be right there. I just have to talk to Brendon,’ Tyler decides, his heart heavy at giving up the rare moments he has alone with Josh. Josh nods and heads downstairs. Tyler finds Brendon in Maddy’s room, focusing on his laptop.

‘Hey, man, are you okay?’ Tyler asks quietly, standing at the door to give Brendon some distance.

‘Yeah, I’m fine. I’m leaving tomorrow,’ Brendon announces, his words barely leaving his mouth. He sighs then, like saying it has been a weight off his shoulder. Tyler keeps staring at Brendon, not quite grasping what his friend told him. Brendon was supposed to leave in three days. There was no reason for him to leave early.

‘Why?’ Tyler just asks simply. He wasn’t about to fight him on this, Brendon’s obviously made up his mind. He just wanted to know.

‘I can’t go to the funeral. I can’t deal with Ryan anymore. I need to go home. I’m sorry,’ Brendon explains, tears welling in his eyes. Tyler opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. He had no idea the whole thing with Ryan affected Brendon so much.

‘I already booked the tickets and I’m taking a taxi to the airport,’ Brendon adds quietly.

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to drag you into all this. But you know Ryan didn’t mean what he said, right? He was hurt and…’ Tyler starts apologizing before he’s cut off by Brendon’s weak laughter. Tyler looks at his friend in confusion.

‘I know,’ Brendon confirms and immediately stops laughing, his expression solemn. ‘He apologized. He explained why he acted the way he did and what was going on with his parents. And then I said that maybe his mother should’ve died instead and now Ryan won’t even look at me. I know I shouldn’t have said that. I wasn’t thinking. But I’m not sorry. From what Ryan told me, she was a bitch, making his own son feel like he’s responsible for his father’s illness.’

Tyler sighs internally. Brendon’s always said things like they were and he loved him for it. It was something he himself lacked. But some situations require a bit more tact that Brendon just doesn’t possess.

‘She’s still his mom. Of course he’s gonna protect her. She’s all he’s got left,’ Tyler comments, not wanting to judge Brendon’s comments, but still justify Ryan’s behavior.

‘I don’t care. She shouldn’t make anyone feel like shit, especially not her son,’ Brendon argues and Tyler can see his features darken with anger.

‘I didn’t say what she did was right. But Ryan’s fragile. He’s endured a lot,’ Tyler says calmly, not wanting the conversation to escalate into an argument.

‘I know,’ Brendon answers equally calmly, but his expression remains dark. ‘That’s why I tried to help him. I tried to make him see that he’s be better off without her. I know I didn’t do it in the most eloquent way, but I was too angry at her. I was angry because she was hurting him and no one should hurt Ryan, because he’s… It doesn’t matter. He hates me now and I can’t stand to see him angry and I can’t stand to see him hurt and I can’t stand to see him standing next to her. That’s why I need to go home.’

There are tears in Brendon’s eyes and his voice starts cracking. He isn’t angry anymore. There’s a desperation in his voice, an overwhelming need to save someone who doesn’t realize he needs to be saved. It fills Tyler with sadness to see Brendon like this – heartbroken and self-loathing.

‘I understand,’ Tyler assures. He’s not going to make Brendon stay. It might be better for him and Ryan both if they had some time apart. As much as Ryan is in need of love right now, it’s not the kind that Brendon can offer. Ryan needs friendship and in order for Brendon to be that for him, he’d have to break his heart every time Ryan looked away from his adoring gaze.

Tyler slowly walks further into the room and does what he’s never done before. He sits down next to Brendon and carefully puts his arms around his friend. He’s not a hugger, he’s sure he looks awkward, but Brendon doesn’t seem to mind as he leans his head on Tyler’s shoulder, his tears soaking into his shirt.

\---

Josh’s apartment has become Tyler’s safe space – away from all the grief that seems to emanate from Ryan’s house. He hasn’t seen Ryan for almost a week, since the funeral, but he’s asked to be left alone and Tyler doesn't want to intrude. Brendon on the other hand keeps calling and asking how Ryan is doing. Tyler once teased Brendon on his obvious infatuation, but Brendon fervently denied it. He’s never done that before. He’s always been very straightforward and open about his crushes and conquests (sometimes too open) and Tyler thinks he knows what that means. It means Brendon’s finally found someone he wants to keep for himself, someone who’s too special for just anyone to know about. It means he’s finally felt something so strong he doesn’t know what to do about it. It reminds Tyler of his first weeks with Josh and if circumstances would’ve been any better he’d relish at the idea, but as it is, it just makes him want to escape the prison that his house has become.

That’s why he’s been spending much of the afternoons at Josh’s. Tyler’s father started with the training and his mom spent her days volunteering at the church’s homeless shelter. Josh has pushed most of his shifts at the ice-cream place into the morning to get more time with his boyfriend. So Tyler spends his afternoons in a daze of lazy kissing, messy blowjobs and tender embraces. It’s the perfect form of escapism.

‘Mhm,’ Josh hums. Tyler’s muscles twitch under his lips as he’s kissing a trail down Tyler’s body. A wave of pleasure washes over Tyler and he moans softly. He never thought that as simple a sensation as a feathery touch of lips or a wet heat of a breath across his stomach would drive him as crazy as it does. But it’s because of the simplicity and lightness of it that Tyler is already writhing around on the bed, even with his erection still untouched. By now they could’ve been done with it, laying around in post-coital bliss, but Josh is taking his time, covering every bit of Tyler’s body, except his dick. Tyler could easily reach down and start touching himself, he could just tell Josh to do something about it, but he doesn’t. He loves this. He loves being teased and brought to the edge of where pleasure fuses with pain, where his brain shuts off and he starts pleading for release.

Tyler knows that’s not normal sexual behavior, that it probably borders on kink. He’s never thought about it in those terms, though. He’s never brought it up and Josh never mentioned it, it’s just the language of passion that they’ve learnt to read from each other, making mental notes of things that drive each other wild. Like how Josh’s breath hitches every time his dick hits the back of Tyler’s throat or how he groans every time Tyler scrapes his teeth across his neck. Tyler doesn’t want to think what Josh’s mental list of his turn-ons looks like. Probably something like: ‘Moans wantonly whenever you as much as look at him.’

‘Fuck, you’re hard,’ Josh breaths. He briefly touches Tyler’s dick, smearing the precome that’s gathered at the tip, but it’s not nearly enough for Tyler to get any relief. Josh moves on to his thighs then and Tyler whines in frustration, though it just comes out as a pleasured moan. Josh laughs quietly. He knows exactly what he’s doing to Tyler and for some reason that turns Tyler on even more.

Tyler digs his fingers into Josh’s hair. He’s not trying to guide him to his cock, just rests his hands in the pink strands. Josh covers Tyler’s thighs with small kisses, moves to his perineum and then licks up the underside of his erection. That’s all the attention Tyler’s dick gets, though, before Tyler finds himself pinned down by his wrists, Josh’s lips on his own. They kiss for a while, Tyler’s back arching, missing the weight of Josh’s body on him. Josh groans into the kiss and reluctantly breaks it. He moves his head to look at Tyler, still pinning his wrists down.

‘I want to try something,’ Josh says, his voice raspy and deep. His eyes are fixed on Tyler’s face gauging his reaction. Tyler squirms at the loss of contact, but focuses on Josh’s face when he realizes he’s talking to him.

‘Hmmm?’ Tyler hums. He uses the pause to flex his muscles against Josh’s grip, but it doesn’t yield. Josh tilts his head sideways and smiles in amusement. He moves his head next to Tyler’s and starts biting at his neck, sending sharp jolts of pain through Tyler’s body.

‘I want to ride you. I want to feel you inside me,’ Josh whispers then and it takes Tyler a few seconds to grasp his words through the haziness of his mind. He gulps. He’s never pictured himself on the giving end of sex, it was always Josh in him. But now that Josh mentions it, he can’t help but to feel a pang of curiosity.

‘Yeah,’ he breaths out and throws his head back to expose his neck to Josh’s playful nipping. It will inevitably leave a few marks, but at this point Tyler doesn’t really care. He’ll have to borrow Maddy’s concealer again, but it’s worth it.

Josh pulls away and lets Tyler’s wrists free. He reaches for the condoms and the lube he keeps on his nightstand now that they’re sessions have become more frequent. He tosses the condom to Tyler, who fumbles with the wrap but eventually gets the condom out and puts it on. Josh takes Tyler’s hand in his own and pauses. He seems to think for a second, but then smirks and locks his eyes with Tyler’s. Ever so slowly, Josh brings Tyler’s fingers to his mouth and starts coating them with saliva without breaking eye-contact. Tyler’s breathing quickens at the sight and sounds Josh is making. Josh equally slowly pulls Tyler’s fingers out of his mouth and reaches for the lube. He coats Tyler’s fingers with it, the slickness of it a familiar feeling for Tyler by now. Josh applies a generous amount to Tyler’s dick as well. He then rubs the excess lube on his own stomach, making it glisten in the dim light of the afternoon sun coming through the window.

Tyler props himself up into a sitting position and connects his lips with Josh’s. He sneaks his lubed up hand around Josh’s body and finds his hole. He teases around it for a second before slowly pushing a finger inside. He can feel Josh’s body jolt at the intrusion, his mouth opening in a gasp, but then Josh pushes back against his finger.

Tyler’s fingered himself before, but this is different. He always seemed so awkward when he was doing it to himself. Now, it’s Josh’s reaction that’s driving him crazy, the eagerness of his movements. Tyler is starting to understand why Josh finds fingering him so sexy. Once the slide is smooth enough, Tyler gently adds another finger. It barely goes in before the friction stops the fingers from going deeper. Josh closes his eyes and bites his lip. Tyler can tell he’s getting uncomfortable, but he keeps pushing against Tyler’s fingers. Tyler moves the fingers out again, before pushing back in, just a bit further. They get into the rhythm, Josh’s muscles slowly relaxing around Tyler’s fingers with every push.

Tyler adds another finger, the stretch making Josh curse loudly, before he lifts himself up off of Tyler’s fingers and pushes Tyler down on the bed. Tyler falls back without protest, letting Josh retake the dominance. Josh gives Tyler’s dick a few experimental strokes, shifting Tyler’s attention from his fingers to his cock. Josh keeps hold of it while he slowly lowers himself down. Tyler closes his eyes for a second, marveling in the tightness of the push.

‘Fuck,’ Josh exhales once he pushes all the way down. He moves his hips experimentally before moving back up and pushing down, concentrating on relaxing his muscles. It’s much less painful the second time around and after a few bounces it becomes almost comfortable. Josh keeps a perfect rhythm, inhaling on the way up and exhaling on the push. Soon enough Tyler finds himself breathing in time as well.

Josh moves his hands to Tyler’s chest to support himself and substitutes the up-and-down movement for circular motions and shallow thrusts. It doesn’t take long until he settles on an angle and soft moans start filling the exhales. Tyler knows exactly what that means and starts pushing against Josh’s body. He takes a moment to watch – messy sex hair, flushed chest rising and falling in sync with the thrusting, strong arms on his chest, and finally the point of contact where one body disappears into another. A wave of heat spreads through him at the sight, the notion that his dick in Josh’s asshole is making Josh pant and moan.

Josh moves his hand to his own dick and starts frantically stroking it, his fluid movement faltering. Tyler quickly puts his hand on Josh’s pulling it away lightly and taking over. He runs his hand over Josh’s length a few times in counter-rhythm to Josh’s bouncing movements. Josh has his eyes closed, mouth slightly agape, completely overtaken by pleasure. Tyler slows down his stroking, holding almost still and letting Josh’s thrusts do the work. Instead he focuses on the head, running his thumb over the slit and smearing the precome. He can feel Josh shudder above him, the stimulation taking him by surprise. He opens his eyes and looks at Tyler. It takes a second for his vision to really focus. He takes in the sight – red cheeks, one hand grabbing the sheet, the other focused on his pleasure, muscles contracting to lift Tyler’s body against him. Josh stores the image in his brain for later use.

‘Fuck, Josh… you’re so… fucking hot,’ Tyler stutters in between the heavy breaths. Josh is towering above him, encompassing his entire field of vision, his entire point of focus. He knows he should be thinking about sex and pleasure, but there is just one thought in Tyler’s mind – he’s so damn lucky to have found Josh and he would do anything for him. He never understood why people said sex brings you closer to your lover, but he understands now.

Josh moans loudly in response, as if he wants to say something but words are proving to require too much focus. He quickens his rhythm, that’s becoming more and more frantic. Tyler can feel they are both coming close to the edge. His muscles are twitching, the chemicals in his brain taking control over his thoughts and his body. He knows there’s no return now. He barely notices needy whimpers and pleads coming from his mouth, but stopping them would require way too much self-control, so he lets himself go.

‘Tyler!’ Josh cries out, followed by a barrage of curses and moans. Tyler can feel Josh’s muscles tighten around him and come hit his hand that’s still absently stroking Josh’s dick. Josh stills for a second, but then continues his movements, riding Tyler through his orgasm. The contractions around Tyler’s dick send his already turned on mind into overdrive and it doesn’t take long until he’s arching his back, hands twisting in the sheets, trying to ground himself, as he feels like a shock wave is rippling through his body. The world seems to stop and all that exists are his and Josh’s body, perfectly fitting together as the wave of orgasm hits them both.

A few seconds later Tyler regains his normal brain function, mind still buzzing with the remnants of pleasure. They’re lying on top of each other, Tyler’s now softening dick still inside Josh’s asshole. It’s getting a bit uncomfortable, but they’re breathing heavily and staring at each other and Tyler wants to appreciate this moment.

‘That was amazing,’ Josh purrs and rises up off of Tyler’s dick.

‘Agreed,’ Tyler comments, smiling blissfully. Josh lays down next to him and they nestle into each other, a state they’ve gotten used to by now, but still as precious as it was the first time.

‘We should do it again,’ Josh sighs, but his eyes are already closed. He looks so peaceful and innocent compared to his sinful moans and wanton cursing not but a minute ago. Tyler smiles at the thought.

Five minutes later Josh is breathing steadily, arm draped over Tyler’s body. They’re both still naked and uncovered, dried come on Josh’s stomach reminding him of what they’ve just done. It doesn’t feel sexual to Tyler, though. It feels natural and it feels like love. It feels like this is where he needs to be.

‘Damn, I love you so much,’ Tyler whispers. He’s been afraid to say it, scared that Josh would find it too clingy and touchy-feely, but he’s pretty sure Josh is asleep and he needs to say it, the sole thing that’s on his mind right now, the all-encompassing truth of his existence. He can see the corners of Josh’s mouth twitch and realizes he’s not asleep. A blush creeps up his cheeks and his heart starts racing. He’s not super embarrassed because what he said is true, but his plan was always to let Josh say it first.

‘I love you, too,’ Josh says softly before Tyler has a chance to react. He opens his eyes and just looks at Tyler for a few seconds, a smile playing on his lips. Tyler’s trying to control his blush and breathing, trying to look like what he said was meant to be heard, but he knows he’s not fooling anyone. Josh then moves his head closer and presses a quick kiss against Tyler’s lips. It’s quick and chaste, more like a statement then a kiss. Josh then nuzzles him and presses their lips together again, deepening the kiss. It’s the best reaction Tyler could’ve hoped for.

They make out lazily for a while before Josh reluctantly stands up and pulls Tyler on his feet after him. Tyler sighs and follows Josh. He’s leaving for Ohio in two weeks and every time he thinks about that there’s a pain in his chest, like his heart is already starting to break.

Once they’re cleaned up and decent, Josh starts making pasta for dinner. Tyler knows he’ll have to leave as soon as he eats if he wants to gets home before his dad.

‘I know we had pasta two days ago, but we were long again and now I don’t have the time to do much,’ Josh apologizes when he throws the penne into the boiling water. ‘I swear I’ll make you a proper dinner once you move in.’

A cold sweat breaks over Tyler and his heart starts racing. He still hasn’t told Josh that he’s not staying in Florida. He really should’ve done it by now and he knows that the longer he pretends, the more it will hurt. But he cannot bring himself to do it. He knows he did nothing wrong – he’s told Josh that he’s going back to Ohio, but his mistake started when Josh made his expectations clear and he did nothing. When he let Josh hope.

Tyler can feel his mind disconnect from his body, knowing that what happens next is not going to be pretty.

‘Speaking of witch… I’m not staying in Florida,’ Tyler says quietly, his throat completely dry and tears already prickling in his eyes. But he knows Josh has heard him. The room is quiet for a few seconds, apart from the splashing of boiling water.

‘What do you mean?’ Josh asks then. He doesn’t sound angry, but he doesn’t sound confused either. He sounds empty, just making sure he understands things correctly.

‘I’m going back to Ohio in two weeks, the way it was always planned. I’ll come to visit for the holidays, but I won’t stay here,’ Tyler explains. He’s trying to make things seem smaller than they are, but the reality is that he’s crushing the vision that Josh has made in his mind.

‘Why? UCF is a good university. You have a place to stay away from your folks, you don’t even have to pay rent. And Brendon can visit anytime. Why do you need to go back?’ Josh lists. He seems to be getting angrier, but he’s still keeping his voice down.

‘I don’t know. Because that was how we arranged it. I am to go back to OSU and help sell the house…’ Tyler starts explaining.

‘So it’s about the house? You could easily get Brendon or an agency to do that for you, you know? Come on, Tyler, what is this really about?’ Josh interrupts him. He’s visibly angry now and tears start slowly streaming down Tyler’s face. Tyler curses under his breath. Crying is his normal reaction to anger and he hates it. It makes him seem weak and it makes people around him think that he’s faking it to win an argument.

‘Why are you angry at me? I told you from the very beginning that I am going back to Ohio in August. I don’t know what gave you an idea that I’d be staying here, but it for sure wasn’t me,’ Tyler tries to defend himself, his voice quavering.

‘What gave me an idea you were staying? Oh, I don’t know, maybe taking a conscious decision to start a relationship with me? Why would you do that? Why would you let me fall so deep for you if you were planning to leave all along? Was this just a summer fling for you?’ Josh is shaking now. He’s breathing heavily, trying to hold back his emotions as much as possible.

‘No, Josh, not at all. I love you, you know that,’ Tyler answers, the fact that Josh would doubt in his love stinging harder than his anger.

‘Than why go? What more could I have done to convince you to stay? Have you even thought about staying or was this doomed from the start?’ Josh’s anger seems to have calmed a bit and is now substituted by sadness.

‘I’ve fantasized about it. I’d love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you. But my parents…’

‘I should’ve known. It’s about your parents again!’ Josh raises his voice for the first time, his body shaking with anger again. It’s like a dam has cracked at the mention of parents and now all the anger is flooding over. ‘You keep hiding me from your parents and running home before they realize you’re gone. It’s like you’re ashamed of me. I know you’re not out to them, but you can’t spend your whole life in the closet. Or you know what, you can. Cause god knows you won’t come out to stay with me.’

Tyler is full-on crying now. Josh is right. But he doesn’t understand his fear of coming out to his parents. He doesn’t understand how seeing disgust and disapproval in his parent’s eyes would break him. But the truth is – he’s never seriously thought to walk up to his parents and say ‘I want to stay here’.

‘It’s not just that,’ Tyler pleads quietly, trying to calm Josh down enough to explain himself.

‘Then what?’ Josh asks condescendingly. ‘You don’t want to inconvenience them? You know what, Tyler? You’re 20. You need to start living your own life. You need to start making your own decisions. You need to start thinking for yourself.’

Tyler stays quiet. There’s nothing he can do. Josh is right. It doesn’t change anything, though. The decision to change school, change his whole plans for the next few years, change his life essentially… It’s not that easy.

The tension in the room subsides and Josh turns back to the pasta.

‘I should go,’ Tyler says, his voice raspy from crying. Josh turns back to him, but says nothing. Tyler nods to himself, collects his things and leaves. It’s the first time he’s leaving without a goodbye kiss.


	11. Can we go back 'cause I miss the way it was?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler tries to make things right again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Panic Vertigo by The Wrecks.

No messages. Tyler is sitting on his bed, staring at his phone. Josh always woke up before Tyler and sent him a little good-morning text. Except today. A part of Tyler hoped that they’d be okay by morning, but obviously this isn’t an issue that will just resolve itself.

‘What’s wrong?’ Zack asks. Yesterday when Tyler returned home, he went straight to his bed, tears that he’s been holding back on the drive home streaming down his face. Zack asked him the same questions and he said he doesn’t want to talk about it. Zack covered for him with their parents, telling them that Tyler didn’t feel well and went to sleep. Tyler’s never loved his brother as much as he did in that moment.

‘I had a fight with Josh,’ Tyler explained. Zack nodded knowingly, showing that he’s listening. Tyler stops for a second, biting back tears that are threatening to spill again. He’s still dehydrated form crying yesterday and he’s not sure he has enough moisture to form tears anymore. 

‘About what?’ Zack asks carefully, coaxing an answer from his brother.

‘About me leaving in two weeks. He thinks I was leading him on, letting us grow closer when there was no future for us anyway,’ Tyler explained. Zack sighs deeply, thinking about what to say. While Tyler always focused on making people feel better, Zack was a problem-solver, always trying to find a solution to everything. That’s why Tyler liked discussing problems with Zack. The methodical approach and focus on the solution often distracted Tyler enough to calm down.

‘You could stay here. I’m sure mum and dad would love it if you’d be a bit closer to home,’ Zack suggests. Tyler thinks for a few seconds. It’s not really the change of plan his parents might have a problem with, it’s the reason behind it.

‘Yeah, but they’d want to know why I changed my mind. Going back to Ohio was my idea in the first place. And I can’t lie to them. I’d need to tell them about Josh,’ Tyler refutes. There really isn’t a situation where he comes out of it unscathed. He either loses Josh or potentially his parents and he doesn’t know which will hurt worse.

‘You know I’m right here if you need me. If you need me to tell them or be by your side or make them see that it’s okay, you know you can count on me,’ Zack explains, moving to Tyler’s bed to give him a hug.

‘I know. I love you. You’re the best brother I could’ve hoped for,’ Tyler declares and tears finally spill from his eyes, not because of his fight with Josh, but because of his amazing brother. Zack soothingly rubs Tyler’s back until he’s calmed down.

‘Let’s go get breakfast and then we can watch TV in our PJs. Remember if mum asks, you’re still a bit sick,’ Zack says with a wink and Tyler smiles back. Zack’s plan sounds perfect.

\---

Tyler locks his phone and throws it on his bed again. He’s come close to calling Josh so many times over the last three days, but he just can’t press the taunting green call button. He doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. He can imagine Josh sitting on his couch with his phone in his hands, staring at Tyler’s number and feeling the same. But maybe that’s not how it is. Maybe he’s already moved on, hurt and betrayed by Tyler and his inability to live his own life.

Suddenly, Tyler’s phone buzzes. His mind immediately jumps to Josh, a mix of feelings washing over him, but it’s just a text from Brendon: ‘Hey :) just wanted to remind you that tomorrow is the deadline to extend your dorm application’.

Tyler sighs heavily. Now he’s not even sure if he’s going back to the dorm in Ohio. He needs to make a decision soon.

Zack is sitting on the couch, watching yesterday’s basketball game on TV, explaining the strategy to Jay. He stops when he sees Tyler coming down the stairs.

‘Hey, Tyler, come watch the game,’ he calls, patting the couch as an invitation. Tyler feels a pang of guilt for not spending more time with his siblings during the summer. He and Zack used to watch the games all the time. Zack would get way more into it, but Tyler loved watching his brother fiddle nervously when the scores were close and cheer passionately when the team he was rooting for was winning. Now, however, he really needs some time for himself. He makes a mental note to sit down with his siblings sometimes soon and do something relaxing and fun.

‘Maybe later. I need to get some air,’ Tyler tells Zack apologetically. Zack nods, the look in his eyes worried, but understanding. He knows Tyler well enough to know that he needs to give him space when he asks for it.

Tyler walks in silence for a few minutes, trying to not think about anything in particular. When his mind starts to wander toward recent events, he pulls out his earphones and puts on some music. He hasn’t updated his song collection in a while, but a few days before the fight, Josh downloaded some of his favorite songs on Tyler’s phone. He skips them, feeling that if he learns more about Josh, it’d be so much harder to leave.

He finds himself tracing a familiar path toward the nearby park. Ryan has shown it to him once when they took a walk together. He sits down on a bench and closes his eyes. ‘Not Afraid’ by Eminem is blaring from his earphones and it helps Tyler to just focus on the rhythm. He’s quietly head-bopping to the beat and doesn’t realize that someone is calling his name until there’s a hand on his shoulder. He jumps back in surprise, but calms down when he sees Ryan. Tyler takes his earphones out and pauses his music.

‘Hey, Tyler, sorry, didn’t mean to startle you,’ Ryan apologizes and sits down next to his friend.

‘Hi. Yeah, it’s okay, I was just listening to some music,’ Tyler accepts the apology. Maybe talking with Ryan will be good for him.

‘How are you? We haven’t seen each other since… you know,’ Tyler starts, trying to gauge how Ryan is feeling before dumping more emotional baggage on him.

‘I’m okay, I guess,’ Ryan says calmly. He seems collected, but there’s still a tang of sadness in his voice. ‘I’ve been coming here a lot. My father used to love this park. It’s weirdly calming to be at a place he enjoyed. It’s like as long if this park exists, he exists in it. I don’t know, it’s weird. I’m just talking non-sense now. But you know what I mean.’

Tyler nods thoughtfully. He thinks he understands. It’s about the memories – as long as you’re remembered, you’re not really dead, because the world is different because of you.

‘It makes sense. You’re keeping his memory alive. I’m glad you’re better,’ Tyler says. The feeling of talking to Ryan again is weird. It feels like catching up with an old friend you haven’t seen in years. In reality it’s been less than two weeks, but he feels they’ve both changed in that time.

‘You know, Brendon asks about you a lot. I’m not supporting what he’s said, but he cared about you. He still does,’ Tyler adds after a few seconds of silence. Brendon’s a stubborn person. He will never admit that he was in the wrong, but his heart was in the right place. There is no denying that he cared about Ryan, more than just in I’d-do-him way. And even if this thing between him and Ryan didn’t work out, Tyler doesn’t want Ryan to walk away with the wrong picture.

‘I know. He called and apologized. Said he just wanted to make sure I was okay,’ Ryan agrees, looking at his hands in his lap and smiling.

‘That’s nice of him,’ Tyler comments. Something’s not adding up, though. ‘But if he has your number, why does he keep asking me if you’re okay instead of just calling you?’

Ryan laughs at that. He almost seems giddy.

‘He told me he still has feelings for me and asked me about it. I said that he should give me some time, but that I’ll keep it in mind. I guess that’s him giving me time,’ Ryan explains, a blush spreading on his cheeks. Tyler’s jaw drops in surprise. He is speechless. He thought Brendon tells him everything, but apparently not.

‘Wow,’ Tyler finally manages. He’s blushing from second-hand embarrassment. ‘He’s such a doofus.’

‘I don’t know. I find it endearing,’ Ryan shrugs, looking at his feet.

‘Wow,’ Tyler repeats and Ryan giggles. It’s that musical giggle that sounds so innocent and happy. Tyler smiles at the sound. He was afraid he was never going to hear that sound again.

‘I don’t know. He’s a good guy and charming as all hell, but he’s in Ohio, you know. I’m not sure the distance thing would work. I just regret not spending more time with him while he was here. Even if we don’t end up together, at least I would’ve made some more good memories with him,’ Ryan elaborates, looking at Tyler for the first time since the conversation started. Tyler's mind stops in its tracks and fixes on Ryan's words. What is he doing here, moping around in a park, when he could be with Josh, making memories and being in love while he can? No matter how things end, he should be with him until the last minute.

‘Fuck,’ is all Tyler can say, his mind racing. He needs to find Josh and he needs to make things right. The tide of urgency that washes over him makes it hard to breathe.

‘Are you okay?’ Ryan asks, looking at him worriedly. Tyler nods fervently and reins in his racing mind long enough to carry out a conversation.

‘Yeah, I’m fine. You just helped me realize there’s something I need to do. I had a fight with Josh and now we’re angry and ignoring each other when we should’ve been together and making memories, because when your loved one is away, that’s all you have,’ Tyler explains his epiphany. He’s beaming, just happy to have something to do now.

‘Glad to have helped,’ Ryan smiles. ‘Go get ‘im!’

Ryan pumps his fist in the air, Tyler’s excitement wearing off on him. Tyler laughs at Ryan’s awkward fist-pump and claps him on the shoulder.

‘Hey, it was nice talking to you. We should hang out, soon,’ Tyler says and stands up, full of renewed vigor.

‘Yeah, I’ll see you soon. Good luck,’ Ryan agrees and with a quick ‘thank you’, Tyler runs off.

Once he’s out of the park, he finds Josh’s contact and presses that damned green button. Riiiiing… The phone starts ringing and for the first time Tyler thinks that Josh might not agree with him. Riiiiing…. He might not even pick up the phone. Riiiiing… Maybe he’s still angry at him. Riiiiing… C’mon, Josh, pick up. Riiiiing… Tyler stops in his tracks. Riiiiing…. Tyler starts biting his lip. Riiiiing… Tyler’s brething picks up. With every ring, Tyler’s excitement dwindles. He knows it’s all in vain, but he keeps calling, until silence confirms his fear.

Tyler swears and pockets his phone. He didn’t pick up. A sense of worry washes over Tyler. He stands in the street for a few seconds and then starts running. There’s just one thought in Tyler’s mind: get to Josh.

Tyler’s mother gasps in surprise when her son runs into the living room, sweaty and out of breath.

‘I need to borrow the car,’ Tyler slurs, still catching his breath. He really needs to do more cardio.

‘Okay, Tyler, calm down. What’s going on?’ Kelly asks, bemused by her son’s strange behavior.

‘I need to get to Josh,’ Tyler hastily explains, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. He doesn’t care if he has to come out to his parents in order to get to him. He’s become completely obsessed by the idea. He turns around frantically, searching for car keys on the decorative table in the hallway, where his father usually leaves the keys.

‘Who’s Josh?’ Tyler’s mother calls from the living room, more concerned now that a mysterious, possibly drug-dealing character is brought into play.

‘My boyfriend,’ Tyler says nonchalantly as he moves around the clutter on the table. Tyler hears his mother walk toward him and he braces for the worst.

‘Tyler, honey, what is going on?’ she repeats the question and gently turns Tyler around to face her. ‘You’ve never mentioned Josh before.’

Tyler tries to calm down his breathing and focuses at the situation at hand. He’s just come out to his mother in a way that he never imagined he would, but the important thing is her gaze. It’s a confused and worried look, but there’s no disapproval in her eyes. There’s no heart-shattering disappointment or poorly-hidden disgust. Relief washes over Tyler, but he still needs to get those keys.

‘There’s this guy I met in Florida. His name is Josh. We’ve been dating pretty much since we got here,’ Tyler elaborates as quickly, but as eloquently as he can. He still can’t look his mom directly in the eyes.

‘Okay. Can I speak with this boyfriend of yours?’ Kelly asks, not maliciously, but with worry and intent. Tyler knows she’s just looking out for him. Who knows how she’s picturing Josh right now. But Tyler’s getting restless.

‘We had a fight and now he’s not answering his phone. That’s why I need to find him,’ Tyler explains. His mom apparently senses the urgency in his voice because she hugs him tightly, bringing one hand to the back of his head.

‘Oh, sweaty, it’s okay,’ she tries to comfort her son. Tyler relaxes into the embrace and it calms him down a bit. The fact that his mother is lovingly embracing her openly gay son fills his heart with joyous relief. She breaks the hug after a few seconds and cups Tyler’s face, making him look at her.

‘Do you love him?’ she asks simply. Tears begin to sting Tyler’s eyes again. All he can do is nod. His mom lets go of him and disappears into the living room again. Tyler stands dumbfounded in the hallway, trying to process everything that just happened. She comes back a few moments later with car keys in her hand.

‘We’ll talk about this,’ she says strictly, but lovingly, before handing him the keys. The moment Tyler’s fingers touch the metal, his head focuses on Josh again.

‘Thank you,’ he says to his mother and kisses her on the cheek. The fact that his mom can refer to his relationship with another boy as ‘love’ has just demolished all he’s been afraid of.

Tyler runs out of the house and gets in his car, the positive experience reigniting his excitement. His body focuses on driving, finding its way toward Josh’s apartment on its own while his mind wanders, making lists of things he’ll tell his boyfriend when he gets there.

Tyler parks his car and practically runs up to the building. He tries the doors of the building and stops in his tracks when they don’t budge. He forgot about that. He turns to the intercom and presses the small round button next to a sticker with ‘Dun’ haphazardly scrawled on it. Josh added the sticker for him (‘I never really had people over before. I didn’t need it.’). He remembers coming over for the first time. The excitement he felt, trying to keep himself from smiling like an idiot when Josh answered. It’s bittersweet standing here now, unannounced and hoping he hears Josh’s distorted voice again.

Nothing. Tyler’s heart sinks. He rings again, but to no avail. Josh is not home. Panic starts filling his mind. It was one thing that he wasn’t answering his phone, but this… What if something’s happened to him?

Tyler sits down on the steps in front of the building and tries to call Josh again. With every empty ring Tyler is losing his hope. He just wants to know Josh is okay. He stands up again and starts pacing.

He sees an older lady coming down the stairs inside and terminates the call. His heart starts racing as he waits for the lady to open the doors. She gives him a sideways glance as she passes him by, but Tyler doesn’t care. He quickly thanks her and rushes up the stairs to the third floor. He half expects to find the floor broken into and the apartment ransacked, but it’s all intact. Tyler doesn’t know if he should be relieved or frustrated.

He rings the bell and pounds on the door, making sure that if anyone’s inside, they hear him. He waits a few seconds, nothing. He tries the door. It doesn’t budge. Tyler pounds his head against the door in frustration, tears welling in his eyes. A thought comes to his mind, that for whatever reason, he’ll never see Josh again and it’s the most heartbreaking thought he’s ever had.

He can’t stay here. If he stays here, just waiting, he’s going to lose his mind. Tyler runs back down the stairs, determined to do something. He racks his brain for ideas of where Josh might be. At his parent’s house – plausible, but he could’ve answered his phone. Out, having fun, getting over Tyler – a horrible thought, but not really Josh’s style. (Though, they haven’t known each other for too long and the idea that he didn’t really know the real Josh and that the real Josh is off with someone else, is making Tyler sick.) At the ice-cream place – possible, makes sense that he wouldn’t answer the phone while he’s working. It’s also the only other place in Josh’s life that Tyler knows the location of besides his apartment.

Tyler points the car toward Cocoa Beach. He hasn’t been there since he got Josh’s number from Spencer. Chores of moving have caught up to his family and Josh has never taken him to work, claiming that it’s boring. Tyler’s sure anything involving Josh and ice cream could never be boring, but he didn’t oppose keeping their relationship secret. Right now, he’d profess his love to the whole word if it meant getting to Josh faster.

Tyler’s always been a cautious driver, but now he’s cruising at 80 mph down the highway. It still takes him way too long to get to Cocoa Beach. The sun is starting to set and the beach is almost empty, safe for a few couples having a stroll and a group of teenagers pregaming for some sort of party. Tyler parks his car exactly where he did the first time he was here. The flashbacks flood his mind – seeing Josh for the first time, jogging toward him, the butterflies in his stomach that he quickly dismissed, sure that nothing will ever come of it. It was the meeting that put everything in motion and Tyler realizes that, just as there is a time before he met Josh, there could also be a time after their last meeting and that time could as well already be the present.

The sign for Bill’s Ice-Cream Palace is taunting him. There is currently no one at the ice cream fridge that’s facing the beach. Tyler’s scared of going inside. It’s like a Schrödinger’s cat experiment – as long as he stays outside, he has some hope that his relationship with Josh is alive and well.

Tyler shakes his head. He’s come this far. And there’s a large chance Josh is just stuck at work. He gulps and pushes the door to step inside. There’s a few families and couples eating their ice cream sundaes, but it’s not too crowded. Tyler looks behind the counter and sees a familiar figure. Spencer is drying the sundae bowls and talking casually with his coworker. They seem to have noticed Tyler and beckon him closer.

‘Hi… Tyler, right?’ Spencer greets Tyler when he comes up to the counter.

‘Yeah. Hi, Spencer, nice to see you again,’ Tyler returns half-heartedly, getting the formalities over with. There is only one question on his mind.

‘Do you know where Josh is?’ Tyler asks. Maybe he’s in the back. Maybe he’s just left.

Spencer furrows his brow and puts down the bowl he was holding in his hand.

‘No, I don’t. Is something wrong?’ Spencer asks cautiously. Tyler has no idea how he must look in that moment. Pale, shaking and completely helpless. It’s an answer enough for Spencer.

‘Jon, can you take over for a minute?’ Spencer turns toward his coworker. Jon nods and Spencer walks around the bartending area and leads Tyler gently by his shoulder toward one of the unoccupied tables in the corner.

‘Tell me what happened,’ Spencer gently prompts as they sit down. Tyler sighs, but recounts the events of the last few hours and Spencer nods thoughtfully, piecing together the story. Tyler’s not sure what to do. A part of him keeps worrying that something might have happened to Josh and a part of him just wants to give up and go home. He feels drained.

‘Do you know where Josh might be? Has he moved?’ Tyler asks when he finishes his story. He knows he’s grasping at straws, but Spencer’s known and worked with Josh for a long time. If anyone knows where he might go, it’s him.

‘Not as far as I know,’ Spencer shakes his head and Tyler’s heart sinks. ‘All I know is that he’s no longer working here. He had a fight with his father and quit. But he hasn’t moved, as far as I know.’

Tyler mulls over the information. It doesn’t tell him much, but it’s something.

‘Is it possible, he went back to his family to reconcile?’ Tyler wonders. It’s the only lead he can think of.

‘It’s possible, but I doubt it,’ Spencer answers after a few second’s silence. ‘If Josh quit, it wasn’t just some petty fight. Josh is too stubborn to just apologize and crawl back.’

Tyler nods. No leads then. He’s tried every place he knows. He sees Spencer quickly fiddle with his phone and then turn his attention back to him.

‘If you really need to find him right now, I suggest you wait in front of the apartment. He’s bound to come back sometime,’ Spencer recommends. Tyler sighs deeply. He sincerely hopes Spencer’s right.

‘I’m sure nothing bad has happened. Josh is not the kind of person to seek out trouble,’ Spencer reassures when he sees Tyler’s unsure face.

Tyler doesn’t even notice when Jon appeared next to their table, but he sets down two bowls of ice cream, not fully-fledged sundaes, but nice-looking enough with three ice cream balls and whipped cream on top.

‘Thanks,’ Spencer smiles at Jon as he nods and leaves them alone again before Tyler remembers to thank him as well. Spencer digs right into his ice cream, but stops when he realizes Tyler isn’t eating.

‘It’s okay, it’s on the house. I figured you needed some cheering up,’ Spencer explains. Tyler smiles at him and Spencer relaxes, smiling back. If Tyler weren’t so enamored with Josh to forget everyone around him, he might have become good friends with Spencer.

Tyler slowly picks up his spoon and starts eating. It’s mint chocolate chip and vanilla. Tyler smiles as the taste hits him. It tastes exactly as it did that fateful day when Josh jogged up to him with ice cream and a smile. For the first time this evening Tyler relaxes and tries to enjoy his ice cream. It feels as if the familiar taste is making him calmer. It’s reassuring in a way. It reminds him that whatever happens, he has the memories, it reminds him of their love. For the first time, Tyler focuses more on Josh than on trying to find him.

‘Thank you,’ Tyler tells Spencer when he’s half-way done with the ice cream. He’s genuinely thankful. Not just for the ice cream, but for the attention and warmth Spencer’s given to a mere acquaintance.

‘No problem. I hope you work it out, whatever it is. You're good for him. He is much happier since he met you,’ Spencer comments, looking at Tyler with a warm and sincere gaze. Tyler realizes he’s eating ice cream with a part of Josh’s life. It’s the part that he doesn’t know much about, a look behind the scenes. He would love to hang out more with Spencer and other friends of Josh’s. Maybe he could do that if he stayed in Florida.

‘I hope so too. He makes me so much happier. And now I fucked it up,’ Tyler sighs. Spencer smiles a sympathetic smile, but doesn’t comment.

‘I really should go back to Josh’s apartment,’ Tyler excuses himself once he finishes his ice cream and stands up. Spencer nods and quickly pulls Tyler into a hug. Tyler tenses up, but then relaxes into the embrace.

‘Good luck,’ Spencer wishes before letting go. Tyler waves goodbye to Jon and jogs backs to his car. As soon as he sits down he sees the little blinking light on his phone. His heart jumps at the idea that Josh might have called him while he was eating ice cream. He grabs his phone and is immediately barraged by a list of notifications: 4 missed calls and 3 texts. His mother called him three times and Zack once, probably at his mother’s request. There were two texts from his mom and one from his dad:

‘Have you found him? Let me know if you’re okay.’

‘Why are you not answering your phone? Please, just let me know you’re okay.’

‘Your mother is really worried about you. She wouldn’t tell me where you went. Whatever it is, it’s not so important that you can’t let your mother know you’re alive. We’ll talk about this when you get home.’

Tyler sighs deeply. He hasn’t been gone for long, maybe two hours, but his mother has always been a very concerned parent. She's an amazing mother and Tyler is thankful to her, but in her moments of panic, she often went overboard. Tyler hated putting her in that state of mind, of thinking that something’s happened to his son, especially now that he was in the same situation with Josh. He immediately calls her back. She answers after two rings.

‘Oh, Tyler, I was so worried.’ She doesn’t sound angry, just relieved that her son is okay.

‘I know. I’m sorry,’ Tyler apologizes. ‘I was talking to Josh’s friend to see if he knows where he is and I left my phone in my car.’

‘The important thing Is that you’re okay,’ Kelly says. ‘So, have you found him?’

‘No, not yet,’ Tyler sighs and he can hear his mom mimic him on the other side of the line. ‘I’m going to wait for him at his place. He’ll come home eventually.’

He can hear the silence stretch between then and then Kelly sighs again.

‘Don’t be too late, okay, sweetie?’ she tells him then, obviously torn between her son’s safety and the support in his search for love.

‘I won’t. I’ll keep you updated,’ Tyler promises.

‘Okay. Good luck and take care,’ his mom wishes him.

‘I will,’ Tyler answers. ‘Goodbye.’

Tyler terminates the call and starts driving back toward Orlando. He’s driving much less recklessly now that he’s not in affect anymore. For the first time since he talked to Ryan in the park, he realizes he’s tired. The talk itself seems days away instead of hours. But he has renewed determination now. Every once in a while, a thought sneaks into his brain of Josh kidnapped or mugged on the street, but he pushes those thoughts away. He has a plan now – sit down on the bench in front of Josh’s apartment and wait for Josh, trying to call him every once in a while. It’s a simple plan, but it’s enough to get him going.

\---

Tyler stares at yet another car that turns onto the parking lot. It’s not Josh’s car. Not that he expected it to be.

It’s been two hours since he sat down on the bench. He’s cold, tired, frustrated and bored. He spent the first twenty minutes just watching the cars pass by, getting excited every time one of them entered the parking lot. With every car that wasn’t Josh’s old white Polo, Tyler’s hopes dwindled, so he tried to push his fears away by fiddling with his phone. He’s stopped trying to reach Josh, every empty ring driving him madder. His mom and dad texted him to come home, but Tyler just couldn’t abandon his post then. He wrote back that he’ll be home soon and that his phone battery is running low. He was trying to use it sparingly, but he still drained it. Eventually the phone was dead and Tyler suddenly felt a lot less safe and a lot more bored.

He’s growing restless and every decision he’s made on his way here seems stupid, the very idea of reconciling with Josh suddenly feels like the worst idea he’s ever had. He could’ve been home, watching a movie with Zack, but he had to have big ideas of grand gestures, of doing everything for love. Fuck love. He should just get in his car and drive home, but then he’d be essentially throwing away hours of his life. And then there’s the off-chance something has actually happened to Josh that seems less and less like an off-chance.

Tyler starts pacing to warm up and keep himself occupied. The traffic is getting scarcer and Tyler is counting his paces. Once he gets to fifty, he’ll walk to the car, forget this ever happened, forget Josh and move on.

Ten… Maybe Josh has actually gone home to reconcile with his parents.

Eighteen… He really should check with Josh's parents.

Twenty-three… But what if something’s actually happened to Josh?

Thirty-two… When is the right time to file a missing person’s report?

Thirty-seven… Should he call Josh’s parents first?

Forty-four… Damn it, he should’ve asked Spencer where Josh’s parents lived.

Forty-eight… ‘Tyler?’


	12. I've got love on my fingers, lust on my tongue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Josh talk things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Little Monster by Royal Blood.
> 
> Warning: smut.

‘Tyler?’

Josh’s voice penetrates Tyler’s mind and his body stops. A flood of thoughts overflows Tyler’s brain and every thought brings about a new emotion, his body unable to respond.

Relief. Josh is okay. Nothing’s happened to him.

Anger. Then why the fuck did he not answer his phone?

Anxiety. Maybe Josh just didn’t want to answer him.

Infatuation. No, Josh is not like that.

Confusion. Then why didn’t he answer?

Happiness. It doesn’t matter. He’s here now.

Yearning. He’s here and I need to be with him.

Tears are in Tyler's eyes again, but he doesn’t fight them. It’s not messy sobbing, it’s silent crying as the overwhelming emotions fight inside of him and then one of them takes over and he’s running toward Josh who’s just gotten out of his car. Josh widens his eyes when he sees Tyler running toward him, but Tyler doesn’t stop until his arms are wrapped around Josh’s body. Josh returns the hug, pulling Tyler close.

‘Hey, hey, it’s okay,’ Josh hums soothingly and an overwhelming feeling of safety spreads through Tyler. As the adrenalin rush that’s been keeping Tyler up all evening finally subsides he feels the real tiredness settling in, the ache in his back from sitting on an uncomfortable bench, the cold of a chilly night, the dull headache from the lack of water and food.

‘What are you doing here?’ Josh asks after Tyler’s calmed down. There’s no accusation in his voice, there’s just genuine surprise.

Tyler waits for a few seconds before answering, his voice muffled by Josh’s shoulder: ‘You weren’t answering your phone and I got worried.’

It isn’t the whole answer, but that’s a conversation for when they get inside.

‘Yeah, I’m sorry. I was in the library and checked in my phone at the reception to get more work done. I tried to call you when I got my phone back and you weren’t reachable,’ Josh apologizes. His answer raises more questions, but Tyler is happy with it for now.

‘My phone died,’ Tyler explains.

‘I figured,’ Josh says and loosens the embrace. ‘Let me park and we’ll go inside.’

Tyler nods quietly and lets go. Josh makes a step backwards toward the car and the cold air hits Tyler again. As if reading his mind, Josh quickly steps closer to Tyler and gives him a peck on the lips before turning around and jogging toward the car. It’s just a quick brush of lips, but it fills Tyler with warmth. He absentmindedly watches as Josh parks his car and then returns to him, a gentle smile on his lips. Without a word Josh takes Tyler’s hand and leads him upstairs. It’s a simple gesture, but it means so much. It means this is not over.

Once they get upstairs, they settle on the couch. They’re not sitting close enough for Tyler’s taste, but he doesn’t dare move closer.

 ‘So, I’ve been talking to Ryan and he helped me realize something. We shouldn’t avoid each other. No matter what heartbreak comes after this, knowing that I wasted time not being with you when I could, is harsher,’ Tyler explains, trying to convey the philosophy that kept him sitting on that bench all evening as fluently as he can. He’s been practicing different approaches in his mind all evening, but still isn’t sure if what he’s trying to say, makes sense. He’s nervous about how Josh will take it. All of his attempts to not sound too clingy have just been thrown out the window. But a part of him is still angry at Josh. Tyler came out to his mom, drove out of town and waited all evening and Josh was in a library?

Josh looks at him with a sad smile, his features soft and gentle, and shakes his head. Tyler hangs his head, looking at the ground. Whatever comes next, it’s easier without looking at Josh.

‘I agree. These last few days were hell,’ Josh finally says. Tyler huffs. That’s something they can agree on. Josh moves closer to Tyler and puts his hand on Tyler’s knee.

‘I still love you. That hasn’t changed,’ Josh confesses. Tyler smiles briefly. He feels like he should say it back, but the confusion and anger are still lingering inside of him and he doesn’t want to say the L word when he doesn’t feel it.

‘Where were you, Josh?’ Tyler asks instead, focusing on all the questions in his head.

‘In the library,’ Josh answers, his hand still on Tyler’s knee, rubbing gently.

‘So you said,’ Tyler comments, more angrily than he anticipated. Josh sighs and moves his hand to rub the back of Tyler’s neck. Tyler lets him, but still doesn’t look up.

‘I was studying,’ Josh answers simply. ‘After you left, I was devastated. I was so caught up in my vision of our future, I didn’t think about what you wanted or expected. I live on my own, I’m out to my parents, I don’t really have many close friends, at least not as close as you and Brendon. I have nothing to lose by leaving this place. It was unfair to expect you to change your life for me if I wasn’t ready to do the same for you.’

Tyler looks up at Josh. He takes Josh’s free hand into his own.

‘So, I contacted OSU about what I needed to do to enroll into third year psychology. First they told me I was too late, but I talked to my Developmental Psych professor and she wrote them a letter of recommendation and they told me I can transfer if I pass two exams this week, Behavioral Neuroscience and Psychology of Adjustment. So I’ve been studying pretty much all the time since I got the news. I’m taking them on Friday. I didn’t want to tell you because I wanted to surprise you and didn’t want to get your hopes up in case I failed. Which I might,’ Josh explains.

Tyler’s mind is racing with a hundred different reactions, from disbelief that Josh would change his whole life for him to the urge to reassure Josh that he’ll do great in his exams, but the through-line of them all is the overpowering love he feels for the man in front of him.

Tyler leans toward Josh’s face and they slowly connect their lips. Tyler tries his best to convey his feelings in the smooth slide of skin and he can feel Josh do the same. It feels like one of their first kisses, filling Tyler with warmth and giddiness.

‘I can’t believe you would do that for me. You’re changing your whole life around to be with me,’ Tyler says once they pull away. Josh smiles and nuzzles against Tyler.

‘Of course. It’s worth it,’ Josh comments and rests his head against Tyler’s shoulder. They’re basking in each other’s closeness now that they’ve established their relationship again.

‘Don’t pretend it’s not a big deal. You asked me to do the same and I couldn’t. You make it seem so easy. You wrote a few emails and rearranged your future in a matter of days. I can’t even order something new in a restaurant without panicking,’ Tyler explains, still not comprehending how Josh just decided to leave everything behind and go with Tyler, an act Tyler could never have done without half a year off planning.

‘First of all, ordering new food is stressful for everyone. Secondly, we’re all different and that’s something I failed to realize before. I can expect you to love me with all your heart and I know you do, because you tell me and you show me. But I can’t expect you to stay here with me, because that has nothing to do with love. You’re obviously more attached to your family than I am and that’s great. I wish our family was that close sometimes. And you’d be jeopardizing your relationship with your parents by being with me. You have your best friend, one of the only people you trust unconditionally, in Ohio and I can’t expect you to start a new life away from him. You’ve known me for a few weeks now and I’m asking you to demolish everything you’ve worked your whole life to build. And I know building something anew is not easy for you. I don’t have the same stakes. Starting a life together in Florida is so much harder for you than starting one in Ohio is for me,’ Josh explains, his voice happy and excited, like he’s explaining his own epiphany the way Tyler was before. Tyler smiles and rests his head on top of Josh’s so they lean onto each other.

‘Thank you,’ Tyler says simply. It’s the sincerest thank you he’s ever said. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you, too,’ Josh answers, but it’s not an impulsive reaction, it’s a statement of their headspace. They sit in silence for a while, just reveling in each other’s presence and Tyler’s mind starts drifting.

‘I came out to my mom,’ Tyler says after a while, breaking the silence. Josh moves his head, forcing Tyler to sit back upright, and takes Tyler’s hand in his own.

‘What did she say?’ Josh asks, concern and curiosity mixing in his voice.

‘She wanted to meet you. It seems like she cares more about what kind of a person you are than your gender,’ Tyler explains with a smile. In retrospect, her reaction seems like one of the best case scenarios.

‘That can be arranged. I’m so proud of you, Tyler,’ Josh says happily and leans down for a quick peck on the lips. Tyler thinks about bringing Josh home, introducing him to his parents. He’s sure they’d love him. It’s impossible not to.

Fuck, his parents. He still hasn’t called them. Resolving the issue with Josh has taken so much of his attention, he completely forgot to charge his phone or call his mom.

‘Hey, I still need to call my mom to tell her I’m alive and fine. Can I borrow your phone?’ Tyler asks sheepishly. He doesn’t want to bother with getting a charger and turning on his phone right now.

‘Of course. Can I talk to her?’ Josh inquires and Tyler nods. He wants his mom to understand and he’s sure she’ll be a lot calmer speaking to Josh first. Josh fishes out his phone and hands it to Tyler.

Tyler punches in his mom’s number and leans forward, breaking himself from Josh’s embrace. He sets the phone down on the coffee table and turns on the speaker mode. Josh leans forward too, moving closer to the phone. It doesn’t take long for Tyler’s mom to answer.

‘Hello? Kelly Joseph speaking,’ she introduces himself to the unknown number that’s calling.

‘Hey, mom,’ Tyler greets. ‘I’m calling from Josh’s phone.’

‘Oh, Tyler, thank God you’re okay,’ Kelly says, relief clear in her voice. ‘I’ve been trying to call you for a while now.’

‘Yeah, sorry about that. My phone died,’ Tyler apologizes.

‘So, you’ve found your… boyfriend?’ she asks then, unsure how to refer to Josh.

‘Yes. You’re on speaker by the way,’ Tyler answers, looking at Josh intently. Josh clears his throat nervously.

‘Hello, Mrs. Joseph,’ Josh greets, his voice polite, but cheerful.

‘Oh, hello, Josh,’ Tyler’s mom chimes happily and a rock falls off Tyler’s chest. First contact: successful.

‘So, I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay and I found Josh and we’re okay,’ Tyler explains without getting into detail.

‘I’m happy for you, Tyler,’ his mom comments. ‘Are you coming home or are you staying over?’

Tyler looks at Josh in bewilderment and Josh barely contains his laughter. Is his mom really just asking him if he wants to stay over at his boyfriends?

‘Uhm… I haven’t really thought about it,’ Tyler answers cautiously, unsure whether it’s a trap or a genuine question.

‘I don’t know where Josh lives, but it’s late and you must be tired. I’m not sure driving home now is a good idea, but I don’t want to encourage any unchaste activities,’ Tyler’s mom explains, her tone serious and strict. ‘If you think you can contain yourself, I’d recommend you stay there.’

Tyler covers his face as he feels the blush creep up his cheeks. Why, oh, why did he put her on speakers. Out of the corner of his eyes he can see Josh has leaned back against the couch, red from trying to suppress his laughter.

‘That goes for you too, Josh,’ Tyler’s mom adds and Tyler is about to die of embarrassment. Josh leans forward again, regaining his composure.

‘Of course, Mrs. Joseph. We’ll be good,’ Josh assures and gives a quick wink to Tyler. Now, Tyler is blushing for a whole different reason.

‘I’ll stay here, but I’ll come home tomorrow morning. And I can bring Josh too. I’d love for you to meet him,’ Tyler proposes, desperate to end the call as soon as possible.

‘Okay. I’d love to meet him. Take care,’ Kelly says.

‘I will. Bye, mom,’ Tyler greets, while Josh goes for the polite: ‘Goodbye, Mrs. Joseph, see you tomorrow.’

Tyler quickly terminates the call, just as Josh bursts out laughing. Tyler looks at him with a fake disapproving look. Yes, his mom is embarrassing, but the whole thing could’ve gone a lot worse.

‘I love her. I can’t believe you were hiding her from me,’ Josh whizzes through his fit of laughter. Tyler smiles at that and a wave of happiness hits him. Right now, life is so much better than it was a few hours ago and that’s all that counts. Tyler pushes Josh down and leans over him, finding Josh’s lips before he can realize what’s going on. Josh gently pushes into Tyler’s mouth with his tongue, deepening the kiss into a make out session. They’re exploring each other again, like the few days they’ve been apart has made them forget the feel and taste of each other.

‘Mhm, Tyler,’ Josh hums between kisses. ‘Your mom forbade all unchaste activities.’

Tyler immediately retracts away from Josh.

‘Don’t make me think about my mom while I’m kissing you,’ Tyler complains and Josh giggles under him.

‘Sorry,’ Josh apologizes halfheartedly and pulls Tyler down for another kiss. Eventually Tyler nuzzles into Josh’s neck and settles down in a cuddle, his body half sprawled over Josh’s.

‘We should get to bed. You must be tired and I have to be productive tomorrow if I want to pass these exams,’ Josh proposes after a while. Tyler, already half asleep, makes a groggy moan he can only hope sounds affirmative.

\---

Tyler doesn’t remember how he ended up there, but he wakes up in Josh’s bed. He’s stripped down to his underwear and he’s hard. Tyler absentmindedly strokes his morning wood. He thinks of just quickly rubbing one out, but then decides that's a waste of a hard-on with Josh around. Tyler looks around. He’s alone, but the doors are open and he can smell pancakes. Tyler rubs his eyes and slowly gets up. He notices a mug of tea on the bedside table. It’s still hot, but Tyler realizes how thirsty he is and gratefully takes a sip.

He walks to the living room, his erection clearly outlined through his boxer briefs. Josh is sitting on the couch, reading something on his computer. As soon as he sees him, he smiles, pulls the earphones out of his ears and gets up.

‘Hey, you’re up,’ Josh observes as he walks toward Tyler. He’s shirtless, only wearing the leg part of a tracksuit that’s hanging low on his hips. The sight sends Tyler’s already horny mind into a frenzy. ‘You want some pancakes?’

Tyler makes his way over to Josh, cups his head and leans in so his mouth is an inch away from Josh’s.

‘I want you,’ Tyler whispers, his breathing already hitched. He moves his body closer to Josh’s and rubs his erection against Josh’s leg to demonstrate exactly what he means. Josh catches his lips with his own and reaches around Tyler’s back with his arm, pulling him closer. Tyler starts rhythmically humping Josh’s leg, the friction driving him wild.

‘I have to study,’ Josh murmurs halfheartedly when they come up for air. Tyler whines wantonly and kisses Josh again. He’s too hard and horny to consider the possibility of not getting off right now. Josh kisses Tyler back fervently and Tyler knows he has him.

‘You’ll be the death of me,’ Josh whispers before he reaches his hand out and cups Tyler’s crotch, bringing him more direct contact. Tyler moans loudly and pushes into Josh’s hand. Josh grunts in response and moves his hand away. Tyler lets out a whine in protest from the sudden lack of pressure. But then Josh drops down to his knees and everything is forgiven. Josh reaches for the hem of Tyler’s underwear and looks up at him with a questioning glance. Tyler looks down at Josh with admiration. He looks so hot on his knees like that, asking for permission to suck him off.

Tyler runs his hand through Josh’s hair and that’s a clear enough answer. Josh hurriedly pulls down Tyler’s boxer briefs and wastes no time as he starts to stroke Tyler's dick intently. It’s slow and measured movements, intent to tease more than bring any sort of release. Tyler opens his mouth in a desperate attempt to control his already ragged breathing and lets Josh do his thing. He’s grown to love Josh’s teasing. They’ve learned to read each other’s body language by now and he knows Josh knows exactly how far to stretch the foreplay before Tyler grows impatient.

Josh makes a few more light strokes before he starts following his hand movements with his tongue, licking up and down Tyler’s length, putting in more pressure with every lick. Despite how good Josh looks on his knees, Tyler closes his eyes, focusing on the cold sensation of Josh’s drying saliva on his dick. Josh has left the fan on and the cold air it sends their way every once in while is intensifying the sensation.

Lost in thought, Tyler lets out a surprised whimper when Josh finally takes him in and starts a steady rhythm. He keeps his hand at the base of Tyler’s dick, covering the ground he can’t reach with his mouth. Tyler’s watching his cock disappear and reappear from Josh’s mouth. Josh is keeping a relentless pace, getting progressively faster and hollowing out his cheeks to maximize the pleasure. But even more so than the sight, it’s the sounds that turn Tyler on – the wanton wet noises mixing with the hum of the fan and Tyler’s own irregular breaths.

‘I want to see you,’ Tyler says then, his voice raspier than he’s expected. He strokes Josh’s cheek, tilting his head gently upwards. Josh blinks up at Tyler and holds his gaze, but continues to suck him off. Tyler moves his hand to Josh’s hair and leaves it there, slowly caressing his pink curls. Josh hums in content and moves his hand that’s been slowly stroking at the base of Tyler’s cock lower to his balls while his other hand takes a hold of his ass. Still keeping his gaze on Tyler’s, he pushes further down, taking Tyler in as deep as he can.

‘Fuck!’ Tyler exclaims when his dick hits the back of Josh’s throat. His erection is almost completely engulfed in Josh’s mouth and Tyler can feel himself unintentionally jerk forward and suddenly all the heat is gone from his dick and it takes him a second to realize Josh has lost his balance and is now supporting himself on his arm.

‘Fuck, sorry, are you okay?’ Tyler panics, seeing his boyfriend on the ground. He relaxes when he hears Josh’s laughter.

‘I’m great. Just didn’t expect you to fuck my mouth,’ Josh giggles and goes back to stroking Tyler’s dick without hesitation. Josh’s choice of words makes him blush, but it also turns him on more than he expects.

‘Sorry. I’ll try to stand still,’ Tyler promises, hissing when Josh runs his thumb over his slit. It’s almost enough to make him twitch again and they haven’t even started properly.

‘No. By all means, go for it. I want your thick cock in my mouth,’ Josh purrs and licks up Tyler’s dick slowly. ‘I want to feel you shoot your load down my throat,’ he continues before he takes Tyler’s head into his mouth again. Tyler gasps, partly because of the sensation and partly because of Josh’s voice, heavy with lust. Tyler makes a mental note to ask Josh to talk dirty to him sometime.

Josh gets into a slow rhythm, his tongue swirling around Tyler’s cock. One of his hands moves to Tyler’s perineum, massaging gently, while the other keeps hold of Tyler’s hip to prevent the repetition of the accident. Tyler tugs gently on Josh’s hair and Josh moans around Tyler’s dick, spurring Tyler to tighten his grip and thrust his hips experimentally. Josh slows down his movements to let Tyler dictate the pace. Tyler closes his eyes for a few seconds, focusing on the wet heat of Josh’s mouth around his dick as he pushes deeper. He starts a slow rhythm, pushing further with every thrust. Josh moans around him in content as he swirls his tongue on Tyler’s shaft, the stimulation making Tyler whimper softly with every push.

He feels Josh’s lips stretch to accommodate him and the back of Josh’s throat twitch around the head of his dick. Tyler stops, not wanting to push Josh too far, but then Josh opens his mouth further to widen his throat and slowly pushes deeper, until his lips hit the base of Tyler’s cock. Tyler gasps, the sight of Josh’s mouth stretched out around his cock so perfectly driving him crazy.

‘Fuck, you’re beautiful,’ Tyler exhales, his voice heavy with lust. Josh hums happily below him and pulls back suddenly. There’s tears in his eyes and Tyler can only imagine how hard taking him whole must’ve been, but the fact that Josh still did that goes straight to Tyler’s cock. Josh takes a few moments to catch his breath, but continues to stroke Tyler with his hand.

‘I’ve missed your taste,’ Josh purrs wantonly, looking up at Tyler with hooded eyes.

‘Fuck,’ Tyler curses under his breath, Josh’s words making his dick twitch. The notion of Josh craving the taste of his come and the brazenly obscene way he said it without an ounce of shame…

Tyler’s roused from his thoughts when Josh leans forward to place small kisses up his thighs, ending the motion with a slow lick up Tyler’s shaft. He stops at the head, focusing his tongue on the slit and then takes the head of Tyler’s cock in his mouth. Tyler can feel his dick pulsate, his orgasm building in the pit of his stomach.

Tyler allows himself to bury his hands in Josh’s curls again, tugging lightly every so often, but not hard enough to interrupt the steady rhythm Josh has settled for. Josh moves his hand from Tyler’s hip to his balls, mirroring Tyler’s tugs to his hair with his own to Tyler’s balls. Tyler lets out a soft moan with every tug and soon his hips start jerking sporadically, a sure sign that he’s close, as Josh has learned.

‘I’m gonna come,’ Tyler announces in case Josh somehow missed his body language. Josh murmurs contently around his dick and runs his tongue over Tyler’s oversensitive slit again, making him moan. Tyler unintentionally digs his fingers into Josh’s scalp, needing to hold onto something as he can feel the wave of pleasure building up in his groin. It doesn’t stop Josh from getting a few more thrusts in before he feels Tyler jerk forward and come hits the back of his throat.

‘Fuck, Josh,’ Tyler moans when the orgasm hits him. He closes his eyes, his knees feeling weak suddenly. He steadies himself on Josh’s shoulders while he rides out his orgasm, Josh’s lips still around his dick, shamelessly lapping up every drop of Tyler’s come.

Josh lets go of Tyler’s dick, sitting back on his knees and humming happily, clearly satisfied with his work. He starts palming his neglected cock through his tracksuit absentmindedly, not really focusing on getting off.

‘Let me get that,’ Tyler offers, sinking down on his knees next to Josh. Without waiting for an answer, he hastily pulls down Josh’s pants and boxers, just enough for his erection to spring free and starts stroking it, smearing precome with his thumb. Josh closes his eyes and moans loudly.

‘I’m not gonna last. I’m so fucking hard from sucking your cock,’ Josh cries out, enunciating every word. Tyler grunts in response and quickens his pace. He’s sure he’d be getting hard again if he hadn’t just come.

Josh leans forward, resting his head on Tyler’s shoulder. He’s panting heavily, whimpering every time Tyler increases the pressure. Tyler moves his free hand to the back of Josh’s head, massaging soothingly. Josh shifts his head further into the crook of Tyler’s neck and Tyler can feel the sweat that’s gathered on their bodies.

‘Oh, god,’ Josh moans, the sound muffled by Tyler’s neck. Josh is rutting into his fist now and Tyler can’t tell if it’s an instinctual movement or not. It only takes a few more strokes, though, before Josh comes with a string of curses and moans, come shooting all over Tyler’s chest and stomach.

They stay there, kneeling on the ground and leaning on each other. It’s a weirdly romantic moment, despite Tyler’s come-covered body and Josh’s heavy panting, as he’s coming down from his orgasm high. Once he catches his breath, Josh swallows sharply and slowly lifts his head off of Tyler’s shoulder. Without another word, he brings their lips together and Tyler doesn’t protest in the slightest. They kiss languidly for a few moments, exchanging loving nuzzles in between the kisses.

‘My legs are killing me,’ Josh whispers then, not wanting to break the moment.

‘Me too,’ Tyler agrees and giggles. He thinks about going to the couch for a moment, but it just seems so far and frankly, the floor seems comfy enough. He falls sideways to the ground, pulling Josh after him. They both erupt in laughter, post-coital bliss still sedating their minds. The laminated floor feels cold against their overheated bodies.

They lay on the floor, still shaking with giggles and Tyler’s heart feels like it’s soaring. For the first time, the shadow of his eventual departure is not looming over them and there is nothing but pure happiness and bliss in Tyler’s mind. Of course, there’s a lot of things they need to do. Josh needs to meet Tyler’s parents and he needs to pass his exams and they need to organize everything, but Tyler’s just had a mind-blowing orgasm and his brain is too mushy to think about that.

‘Mmhm, I could get used to mornings like this,’ Josh hums happily. Tyler purrs in agreement and rolls over to give Josh’s neck a few gentle kisses.

‘What’s with all the dirty talk?’ Tyler asks curiously, propping himself on his elbow to look at Josh properly. Josh hasn’t really been much of a talker during sex before. Tyler’s not minding the change, however. Josh laughs at that and sighs.

‘You noticed,’ Josh concludes, somewhat embarrassed. Tyler giggles as he sees a slight blush creep up his boyfriend’s cheeks. Just a few minutes ago, he was sucking cock like his life depended on it and now he’s blushing at the mere mention of dirty talk.

‘Well, my cock definitely noticed it,’ Tyler says with a wink and gives Josh a quick kiss. Josh laughs into the kiss and it immediately becomes Tyler’s new favorite sound.

‘I don’t know. I’ve been thinking a lot, recently. I made a conscious decision to communicate more, you know, express my emotions when I feel them. I guess that comes out as dirty talk when I’m horny,’ Josh explains, running his hand through his hair in thought.

‘So ‘I’ve missed your taste’ is an emotion now?’ Tyler laughs. He can see Josh trying to maintain his serious facade as he turns to him and says solemnly: ‘Of course. Longing is a very powerful emotion.’

Tyler huffs in response and replies mockingly: ‘You long for my cock.’

He expects Josh to laugh about it, but instead there’s a dark flicker in Josh’s eyes.

‘Of course I do, honey,’ Josh says easily and pulls Tyler closer until Tyler moves his legs to straddle Josh’s hips, their halfway discarded underwear tangling between their legs. Josh sits up to kiss Tyler deeply, his tongue prodding into Tyler’s mouth. When they come up for air, Josh moves his head to the side, his lips playing on Tyler’s neck.

‘I want to feel your cock inside of me. I’ve been fingering myself every night since the fight, but it was never enough. I long for your cock. I need it,’ Josh says quietly, quietly enough to maintain a feeling of intimacy, but loud enough to make sure Tyler hears him. A shudder runs through Tyler’s body. He can feel warmth build up in the pit of his stomach and travel downward toward his cock. He can picture it – Josh lying on his side, fucking himself on his fingers, moaning his name.

‘Josh,’ Tyler gasps in surprise. ‘You’re gonna make me hard again.’

‘Can’t see what’s wrong with that,’ Josh murmurs against Tyler’s collarbone. It takes all of Tyler’s self-control to not just say ‘nothing’ and go for round two.

‘We promised my mom I’ll be home in the morning,’ Tyler reminds Josh and gently pushes him back on the floor. Josh lets out a frustrated groan.

‘We also promised her no sex, but that didn’t seem to bother you,’ Josh differs, his tone more suggestive than accusatory. Tyler shoots Josh a mockingly exasperated look, before lifting off of him. The sudden lack of body contact with Josh makes him shudder with cold. Josh stands up after him, a slight pout on his face.

‘I need to shower, first,’ Tyler decides, looking down at the dried come on his stomach. Josh laughs lightly at that, no doubt remembering their earlier activities.

‘I should probably shower too. Don’t want to meet your parents smelling like sweat and sex,’ Josh agrees and stretches his body, his back popping loudly as he does, before he reaches down and pulls up his tracksuit. Tyler doesn’t even try to hide his starting, but then he shakes his head, focusing on the task ahead. He can feel his stomach screaming for sustenance.

‘Go ahead,’ Tyler gestures toward the bathroom. ‘I’m gonna help myself to some of those pancakes.’


	13. And the clean coming will hurt and you can never get it spotless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler brings Josh to meet his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Dance Little Liar by Arctic Monkeys.
> 
> Warning: some smut.
> 
> I want to point out again that I don't mean any disrespect to Tyler's family. Any unflattering characterisation is only here as a plot device.

‘Are you nervous?’

They’re sitting in the car, parked in the driveway of Tyler’s house. Josh is gently brushing his thumb over Tyler’s hand that is resting in his.

‘A bit,’ Tyler confesses. By all accounts, Josh should’ve been the nervous one, meeting his boyfriend’s parents for the first time. But here they are, Josh soothing Tyler again. ‘I just hope they like you. Not that you aren’t likable, obviously you are, but you know… I just want everyone to get along.’

Josh lets out a small laugh and with his free hand gently guides Tyler’s chin so that they’re facing each other.

‘If they’re anything like you, I’m sure we’ll get along just fine,’ Josh reassures him, a smile playing on his lips as he leans over for a quick kiss. Tyler can’t help but smile back. They’re gonna get through this. As much as their fight hurt, Tyler’s sure they’re love is stronger now because of it.

‘Let’s go,’ Tyler beckons, releasing their hands so they can exit the vehicle. The walk to the door seems to take forever. They’re not holding hands because despite the fact his mom knows now, he doesn’t want to push it with the PDA. His hand feels awfully cold and fidgety without Josh’s reassuring touch.

Once they reach the door, Tyler panics, unsure what to do. Does he ring the doorbell? It’s his house, yet he feels like he’s just coming over for a visit. Is it okay to just barge in with his boyfriend in tow?

Thankfully, he’s saved when the doors open and Maddy invites them in with a cheerful smile.

‘Hey, Josh,’ she greets happily and Tyler can’t hide his smile as Josh gives her a quick hug. They enter the house and toe off their shoes.

‘Are mom and dad home?’ Tyler asks, though he knows the answer.

‘Yes, they’re expecting you. Dad knows. Mom’s told him,’ Maddy quickly explains, her expression unreadable. Tyler can feel himself going pale and Josh can sense him too as he puts his hand on Tyler’s shoulder. Tyler swallows heavily before nodding.

‘How did he take it?’ Tyler asks, his voice barely audible. He can see Maddy frown and that’s a clear enough answer.

‘He wasn’t happy about it. He said he needs to talk to you,’ Maddy explains, looking at the ground, not wanting to be the bearer of bad news.

‘It’s okay. You should just talk to him. I’m sure he’ll come around,’ Josh whispers, his hand caressing Tyler’s back encouragingly.

Tyler smiles at his sister, but it’s not a happy smile. His heart is racing, his vision of a happy carefree future shattering before his eyes. He nods, more to himself than to others and takes a few steps toward the living room.

Kelly is sitting on the couch, reading a book, while Chris is watching a basketball game on low volume, like he always does, focusing on the actual game instead of the commentary.

‘Hi,’ Tyler greets, though he knows he has his parents attention even before he enters.

‘Uhm…’ he stammers, his heart racing in his chest. He takes a big breath before blurting out: ‘This is Josh.’

Tyler points behind him at where he can feel Josh’s presence. He doesn’t dare look at his parents so he just keeps staring at the wall between them. He can see his mom stand up and move towards him, but he doesn’t expect what comes next. Kelly puts a hand on his son’s shoulder and gently coaxes him into a hug. It’s wordless, but it’s warm and safe and Tyler can feel the tears prickling in the corners on his eyes.

‘Welcome home,’ she says before she lets go, smiling warmly at Tyler and Tyler just nods, at a loss for words. Kelly steps up to Josh and politely shakes his hand, giving him a welcoming smile, before returning to the couch.

Tyler finally looks at Chris, who’s turned off the TV by now. He’s looking at him, or Josh, Tyler can’t really tell. His expression is serious, but he doesn’t seem angry. He nods, acknowledging the pair, and motions to the pair of empty armchairs.

Tyler goes to take a sit and Josh follows. The silence in the room is deafening and Maddy is nowhere to be seen, probably having sensed the tension and disappearing into her room.

‘So, your mother told me about Josh,’ Chris begins, his voice quiet and collected.

‘I know you probably wanted to tell him yourself, but he was asking where you are and you know how I feel about lying,’ Tyler’s mom cut in to explain. Tyler nods in acknowledgment. He doesn’t blame her, but did want to break the new himself, make sure his father understands.

‘You’re gay, then?’ Chris asks and sometimes Tyler wishes that his father had a more expressive voice. There is no point in lying, though. Tyler nods, but then he looks up at his father.

‘I am, yes,’ Tyler confirms, his voice cracking from the dryness of his throat. His father hums and nods, but Tyler still doesn’t know where he stands.

‘How long have you known,’ Chris asks then.

‘Two years,’ Tyler answers quietly. He feels like he’s being questioned by the police. But if his answers will help his father understand, he’ll answer honestly.

‘And how long have you two been… together?’ Chris asks then, eyeing Josh suspiciously. Tyler really hopes Josh doesn’t take that personally.

‘Pretty much since we got here,’ Tyler admits. It’s been just over a month now, but it feels like years.

‘Why have you never told us?’

His father’s voice sounds a bit accusatory and Tyler can feel anger begin to well up in the pit of his stomach. What does his father thing the answer is?

‘I was scared. Of your reaction,’ Tyler says, his voice sounding a lot angrier than he intended.

‘Of disappointing you,’ he corrects himself, shifting the blame on himself rather than risking his father’s anger.

Chris’s stone-cold expression finally falls as he sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose before looking back at Tyler.

‘I’m not happy with the development, no, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t accept it,’ he finally reveals his stance. Tyler nods, his expression barely changing. He’s weirdly calm, considering the situation. His father’s words don’t surprise him, though he won’t lie that they hurt a bit. They bury the slither of hope he had for being happily welcomed back into the family. He dismisses the thought. He shouldn’t have hoped. It just ends in disappointment.

‘I can’t stop you from living your live and though I might disagree with your views and your lifestyle, I’ll love you and support you on whatever path you choose,’ Chris explains, his voice sounding a bit softer now. Somehow, the words don’t compute in Tyler’s head. It’s like he’s become numb from trying to suppress his anxiety.

When he sees that Tyler isn’t responding to his words, he stands up and walks up to him. He gently lays his hand on Tyler’s head and beckons him to stand up. Tyler does, working on automatic mode. His father pulls him into a tight embrace, tighter than he’s ever hugged him.

‘I was so worried when you disappeared. Don’t do that again. Come to us, talk to us. You know we’ll always love you. All I want is for you to be happy and if Josh makes you happy, then so be it,’ Chris whispers in Tyler’s ear, his tone soothing, almost melodic. Tyler can feel tears wetting his cheeks and disappearing into his father’s shirt. It’s not happy tears, exactly, but Tyler is just relieved he feels something. He’s relieved that fear is replaced by the bittersweet embrace, because at this point he’s take anything but fear.

‘He does make you happy, right?’ Chris asks once he lets go, holding on to Tyler’s shoulders. All Tyler can do is nod. He’s at a loss for words, but a weak smile appears on his face and he can see Josh on the couch smiling back at him. A sad smile, perhaps, but the love is still there and Tyler doesn’t care about anything else. His father gives him a gentle kiss on the forehead, before his hands leave Tyler’s shoulders and he turns toward Josh.

‘Can I speak to you for a moment? Privately,’ Chris asks ppolitely. Josh nods, but Tyler doesn’t find it in himself to leave the room until his mom gently takes a hold of his shoulder and guides them into the kitchen, leaving Josh and Chris to talk. Tyler knows Josh is charming and well-mannered enough to pass whatever questioning his father might have for him, but he’s still a bit worried. He doesn’t just want his family to like Josh – he wants it the other way around too.

‘It’s going to be okay,’ Kelly hugs her son gently. It’s only then that Tyler realizes that tears are still leaving his eyes.

‘I know,’ he manages to say. He knows that now. It’s going to be okay. He doesn’t know much else, but his heart is not racing anymore, so that’s good. His mom guides him to the chair and he sits down while she moves around the kitchen, putting something into the microwave.

‘How are you okay with this?’ Tyler asks. He’s been wanting to ask her since she gave him those car keys. ‘I remember how mad you were when I got drunk for the first time. Or that time I tried weed. Why aren’t you mad now?’

Kelly smiles softly at Tyler: ‘Oh, honey, are you really comparing drugs to love? Of course I’m gonna be mad about you trying drugs, but I can’t stand in the way of love.’

Tyler smiles at her words. The microwave beeps and Kelly puts the warm cup of cocoa in front of her son like she used to back in middle school.

‘Drink up. Crying dehydrates your body. You don’t want your head to start hurting,’ she beckons. Tyler takes the pleasantly warm mug in his hands and thanks her. He means it. And not just for the cocoa.

Josh and Chris enter the kitchen then and a sudden pang of worry hits Tyler again, but it subsides when he sees Josh smiling at him.

‘We need to talk about your plans for the future,’ Chris suggests. ‘Are you well enough to do that? We can talk tomorrow if you need some space.’

Tyler can’t help but stare at his father. This is so unlike him. He’s never asked Tyler or his siblings if they’re feeling okay to talk.

‘This is a big deal. It’s not me telling you what to do and how things are gonna be. It’s you being an adult and making decisions. It’s your future. I don’t want you to make rushed decision because you’re overwhelmed,’ Chris explains his question when he sees Tyler staring. Tyler shakes his head. His father has a point, but he’s made up his mind.

‘We can talk now. The sooner the better,’ Tyler confirms as his father and Josh sit down opposite of his mother and him.

‘So, the plan up to now was for you to go back to Columbus to sell the house and finish your studies. That means a long distance relationship, though. If you want to stay here instead, that’s fine with us, but you’d need to take a gap year. I think you’re too late to enroll into UCF now,’ Chris starts. The topic reminds Tyler of his fight with Josh again and he cringes at the memory. He doesn’t want to relive that, but thankfully, Josh chimes in.

‘If I may, we were planning on both relocating to Ohio. I’ve made inquiries and I can transfer to OSU if I pass two more exams. I’m taking them this Friday,’ Josh explains. Chris nods, thinking over the plan.

‘Are you sure about that? Moving is a big step. You’re leaving everything behind. And you have no one in Columbus,’ Kelly voices her concerns, but it doesn’t even faze Josh.

‘I’ll have Tyler,’ he says decidedly and it’s only then that Tyler realizes just how big of a leap of faith in their relationship Josh is taking. Even Tyler’s mom seems taken aback by the determination in his voice.

‘Where are you going to live? Tyler’s shared a dorm room with Brendon last year,’ Tyler’s father points out. Tyler hasn’t really thought about it much, but he can picture it.

‘I'm too late to apply for dorms. We’ll try to get an apartment nearby and I’m going to tell Brendon to find a new roommate. He’s not gonna be happy, but he’ll understand,’ Tyler proposes. Chris nods slowly and goes on to ask a few more questions about the living and travel arrangements. It’s all semantics to Tyler. He’s surprised his parents are even letting him live with Josh.

‘Don’t forget to call often and please come visit during the Holidays,’ Tyler’s mom adds when his dad seems to run out of questions. Tyler smiles at her and promises that he’ll call and visit regularly. It’s a weird line of conversation for Tyler. It feels like they’re saying goodbye, like he’s moving out and establishing his own household instead of just going away to study. He realizes that in some way that’s exactly what he’s doing. He can see his future with Josh, visiting his elderly parents and maybe a kid or two in tow, catching up with Brendon over a pint of beer when he’s back from a tour with a band he’s destined to front sooner or later. It’s a good life.

\---

Josh ends up staying for lunch. By then he’s conversing with the family as if he’s been a part of it forever. Then Tyler drives him back home to study. It takes all his self-control not to follow his boyfriend into the flat. Instead, they stand in front of the door and exchange slow kisses, neither wanting to say goodbye. Tyler’s happy they don’t analyze what happened, they were both there, no need to heat up spoiled soup. There is one thing, however.

‘What did my father say to you?’ Tyler asks curiously. Josh smiles and there’s a happy glint in his eyes.

‘Not much. Just, you know, ‘don’t break his heart’ and the like,’ Josh explains, dropping a quick kiss to Tyler’s cheek. ‘I promised I won’t.’

Tyler smiles and embraces Josh. He doesn’t say anything, but the message is clear: ‘Me neither.’

They stay in each other’s arms for a while and Tyler feels it’s the most intimate they’ve ever been.

‘I really need to study,’ a quiet whisper breaks the moment. Tyler breaks the hug and nods. He feels a pang of worry. They don’t have a plan B in case Josh fails. Right now, all their plans rely on these exams and as much as Tyler would like to spend time with Josh, he knows it’s best to give him all the time he needs for studying for these last few days.

‘Of course. Study well,’ Tyler wishes before they bid their goodbyes.

Tyler drives back home. He starts thinking about the event that went down at his house earlier, but he pushes the thoughts away. The whole experience was too overwhelming to digest in one day. He feels like he’ll need to go through the five stages of grief just to process it. He curses his brain. It’s all the what-ifs and what-I-should’ve-saids that he keeps coming back to. He needs to accept this is how things went and then he can start moving on.

When he enters his house again, things seem to be back to normal. His mom is off at the shelter and his father is writing some sort of a report on his computer. They exchange greetings and if there’s any animosity in the air, Tyler doesn’t sense it. He can get used to this. It was worth it. He must admit it’s just a bit easier to breathe now that he’s not hiding a part of himself.

\---

‘I’m proud of you, I really am,’ Ryan pats Tyler on the back. Tyler’s just explained the whole situation. He felt a bit weird telling it to Ryan considering his unsupportive family, but Ryan’s been nothing but happy for him.

‘You know, as shitty as it is sometimes, I’m glad I told my parents. It’d kill me to have to pretend for a minute longer,’ Ryan adds, a genuine smile on his lips.

‘Yeah, it just feels better,’ Tyler agrees. ‘I didn’t even realize the burden I’ve been carrying in my heart by not telling them.’

‘So, what now? Are you staying here?’ Ryan asks.

‘No, Josh and I are going to Ohio,’ Tyler explains. ‘We’ll come visit, though, promise.’

Ryan hums absentmindedly in response, but before Tyler can ask what’s going on, Ryan continues: ‘That’s a big step. Are you sure about it? I mean no disrespect, but you’ve only known each other for a month.’

Tyler furrows his brow. He understands how this must look to a bystander – rushed and unprepared. But it doesn’t feel that way to him.

‘We’re just going to Ohio to study, it’s not like we’re eloping,’ Tyler points out. ‘I was living with Brendon before and now I’ll be living with Josh. It’s the same thing. Well, not the same, but you know…’

‘So Brendon’s gonna be living on his own now?’ Ryan asks to clarify. The question takes Tyler by surprise.

'He's going to try to find a roommate, but he hasn't had much luck so far,' Tyler answers. He gets another hum from Ryan.

They walk in silence for a while. Tyler doesn’t even know where they are anymore. They’ve gone on a walk together and now they’re in a neighborhood Tyler doesn’t recognize. There’s something weirdly calming about being in a foreign place, but knowing you can’t get lost.

Ryan sighs heavily and Tyler can tell he’s thinking. They are keeping an awfully slow pace, at least according to Tyler’s standards, but he’s afraid he might interrupt whatever is going on in Ryan's head if he speeds up.

‘Mom’s gotten worse,’ Ryan clears up. He knows Tyler can sense the uneasiness in Ryan’s behavior.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Tyler says. He immediately feels a sense of shame. He’s been bothering Ryan with his own personal drama, which is nothing compared to what Ryan is going through. He didn’t even ask Ryan how he was holding up. He was a shitty friend lately.

‘Her husband passing away must’ve been really hard on her,’ Tyler adds.

‘Yeah,’ Ryan sighs again. He doesn’t seem overly emotional. It just seems like he’s trying to explain his brooding. ‘Her therapist suggested that she admits herself to a psychiatric ward. She needs to get away from home. Too many memories reminding her of dad. And she needs help. She’s not stable.’

Tyler wants to say ‘sorry’ again, but he understands empty condolences aren’t what Ryan is after.

‘Is she going to do that?’ Tyler asks, coaxing Ryan to continue the story.

‘Probably, yes. We might move. The house is too big for me, too tainted,’ Ryan continues, sadness creeping in his voice. Tyler can feel the empathy well up inside of him. There’s something so heartbreaking about seeing someone as young as Ryan so broken and haunted. He’s at a loss for words.

‘There’s not much I can do for you, physically, but if you ever need to talk, to vent or cry, I promise I’ll be there for you. Even if I’m thousands of miles away, just call me, okay?’ Tyler smiles at Ryan and Ryan gives him a shy sad smile.

‘Thank you,’ Ryan says and pulls his hands from the pockets of his shorts where he’s kept them through the conversation. He quickens their excruciatingly slow pace and they make their way back in silence.

Tyler thinks about it on the way. How one person can go through so much and stay as grounded as Ryan. He knows he’d be a sobbing mess in his shoes. What does it take to endure? Are some people just born with healthy coping mechanisms or has Tyler’s brain missed a memo on his way to adulthood?

\---

Tyler startles as his phone buzzes on the table. He’s gotten weirdly immersed in watching Leonardo di Caprio chase bad guys across different levels of the dream realm. He looks at the screen. It’s Josh. He excuses himself from the company with a quick wave of hand and rushes upstairs. Everyone is too engrossed in the movie to pay attention except for his dad, who’s already fallen asleep and Jay, who’s secretly playing games on his phone, too young to truly comprehend the complexity of the movie.

‘Hey,’ Tyler answers when he reaches his room. He hasn’t talked to Josh the whole day. They’ve exchanged a few texts, but ever since they said goodbye yesterday afternoon, Tyler’s given Josh his space to study.

‘Hey, yourself,’ Tyler hears from the other side of the line. The speech is drawn out and a bit slurred, but Tyler doesn’t pay it much mind.

‘Are you done for today?’ Tyler asks. It’s almost eleven p.m.

‘Mhm…’ Josh murmurs and there’s a few seconds of silence. Tyler furrows his brow. He can hear Josh is still on the line, but something feels off.

Just as Tyler opens his mouth to ask what’s going on, Josh continues: ‘I started thinking about you and now I’m so hard, Tyler. I need to hear your voice.’

His voice is quiet and low, like he’s a bit ashamed, but just can’t help himself. Tyler can feel his heart speed up and warmth begins to spread through his body, focusing on his groin. He can hear Josh’s rugged breathing on the line. He can picture him, lying in bed, his phone by his head as he strokes himself slowly.

‘Uuuh…’ Tyler starts. The direction of the conversation has thrown him off, but he collects himself, dropping his voice low and drawing out the words. ‘That’s so hot. I wish I could see you.’

‘Yeah. I’m on my bed, naked, touching myself. I don’t want to come yet. I’m just teasing myself. But I don’t know how long I’m gonna last,’ Josh describes, his breath hitching at every other word, probably in rhythm with his stroking. Tyler starts palming himself too. His pants are becoming uncomfortable now. The thought of his family waiting for him downstairs crosses his mind, but he quickly dismisses it. No way is he going back down without getting off first.

‘Fuck, Josh,’ Tyler groans and heads to the bathroom. ‘I wish I could be there. I want you to fuck me, make me come all over myself. Or I could ride you, fuck myself on your huge dick. I haven’t been fucked in so long, I’m so tight.’

Tyler can hear Josh moan on the other end and smiles to himself. He loves it when Josh doesn’t hold back vocally. The fact that it’s his voice and the images he’s putting in Josh’s mind, that are making Josh sound this way, is doing wonders for his confidence and turning him on more than he dares admit. He tries his best to unzip his jeans with one hand, desperate to get his dick some well-deserved stimulation.

‘I’d love that. Your perfect body bouncing on top of me. I love that view. Seeing you so desperate for my cock,’ Josh adds. Tyler remembers how slutty he felt, rutting shamelessly against Josh’s cock, just to hit that sweet spot inside of him, head thrown back, moans escaping his lungs. He didn’t even think how he must’ve looked from Josh’s point of view. Then he remembers that time Josh rode him.

‘Oh, I need you to ride me again sometime,’ Tyler suggests, remembering Josh on top of him, the fluid movement of his hips. He finally manages to get his dick out of the denim and starts stroking himself.

‘That can be arranged,’ Josh purrs. Tyler runs his thumb over the head of his cock and hisses at the sensation.

‘Are you touching yourself?’ Josh asks. Tyler grunts, taking a second to get into the rhythm with his right hand, before answering.

‘Yeah, I’m so hard,’ Tyler moans. He’s not fully erect yet, but he can feel it growing under his fingers.

‘Where are you?’ Josh asks then, as if he’s just remembered something.

‘In the bathroom. Upstairs,’ he clarifies. ‘Others are watching a movie in the living room.’

He can hear Josh let out a quiet moan.

‘That’s so hot,’ Josh comments. Tyler groans as he gets into the constant rhythm. He finds his reflection in the mirror and for a second he imagines Josh looking back at him, fire in his eyes as he curiously watches Tyler tear himself apart in front of him. He wishes Josh could see him now, see how helpless he makes him feel.

‘Fuck, if you could see me now. I look so wrecked,’ Tyler blurts, fascinated by the shamelessness of his reflection looking back at him.

‘Are you watching yourself in the mirror?’ Josh asks, his voice low and breathing heavy.

‘Yeah, never done that before. I don’t even know how I look when I come,’ Tyler realizes. He hears a short burst of laughter on the other side.

‘Oh, you look so hot when you come. You always throw your head back and shudder right before you shoot,’ Josh describes. Tyler smiles at the description.

‘That doesn’t really sound sexy,’ Tyler complains. He’s noticed his shuddering, but he never thought that Josh would bring it up.

‘When you pair that up with your shameless moans and your tight ass clenching around my cock, it’s the sexiest thing you can possibly imagine, believe me,’ Josh contradicts. Tyler closes his eyes and focuses on Josh’s voice, low and heavy with lust. Tyler isn’t sure whether Josh is consciously lowering his voice or it just happens, but there’s a slight rasp in it and it makes Tyler’s cock twitch in his hand. Tyler whines and moves back to lean on something, afraid his legs might give out on him. A loud thud echoes through the empty hallway as his head hits the door. Tyler’s heart jumps, hoping his parents don’t come up to check on him, but he doesn’t really have enough mental space to worry about it right now.

‘What was that?’ Josh asks, not with concern, but curiosity. For a second, Tyler thinks he might actually want Tyler’s parents to walk in on him.

‘Had to lean on the door. Too far gone to trust my legs,’ Tyler explains briefly. He can hear Josh hum on the phone and then a sharp inhale, followed by a string of curses.

‘Fuck, I’m gonna come. You look so hot like that,’ Josh stutters and breaks into a moan. Tyler knows exactly what he means. They might not be able to see each other, but they know each other well enough to piece together memories and let the imagination fill the gaps. If Tyler closes his eyes, he can see Josh laying on his bed, releasing the pent up energy from a day of studying, jerking himself off, slowly at first, but faster now that release is inevitable, his body writhing whenever he tightens his fist for extra stimulation, legs tangling in his sheets that he imagines still smell like Tyler from when he’s stayed over a few days ago. The image imprints itself into Tyler’s mind. It’s so simple, yet it makes the pit of Tyler’s stomach tie up in knots.

‘Yeah, come for me,’ Tyler breaths out, well on the way to his own orgasm. He can pinpoint the exact moment when Josh comes. He can hear Josh’s breath hitch and then a drawn out moan, a sure sign of Josh reaching his release. Tyler quickens his pace, no longer concerned by entertaining Josh, it’s all about him and his pleasure now. He can’t help the small gasps that escape his mouth on every upstroke, mixing with Josh’s own heavy breathing as he comes down from his high.

‘Fuck,’ Tyler groans as he throws his head back, hitting the door again. A small shudder takes over his body before the intense feeling of pleasure overflows his brain. He’s vaguely aware of his come hitting the side of the sink and the cacophony of bangs as his body thrashes against the door, but he couldn’t care less. It takes him a few moments to regain his composure.

‘Tyler!’ he hears a distorted voice call for him and it takes him a second to realize that he’s still holding his phone in his hand which is now limp against his body.

‘Yeah, still here. Sorry, got distracted for a second,’ Tyler answers into the phone. There’s a short chuckle on the other side. Tyler pushes away from the door and steps closer to the sink. He catches his reflection in the mirror. His stomach is splayed with drying come, his chest covered in a thin sheet of sweat, his face flushed. He doesn’t look like a guy who just had a quicky in the bathroom. He looks thoroughly fucked.

‘That was… something,’ Tyler continues and grabs a washcloth to clean the sink and himself. ‘I’m so glad you called.’

‘Yeah. I almost chickened out, too,’ Josh confesses with a breathy laugh.

‘What? Why?’ Tyler asks in surprise. They’ve done so many dirtier things before, it seems weird for Josh to be insecure about phone sex.

‘I don’t know,’ Josh sighs. ‘It’s easier when you’re here. I can read your body, make sure you’re horny and you want this as much as I do before initiating anything. It was fine once I knew you were touching yourself, but I was afraid you’d just find it childish and annoying if you weren’t in the mood.’

Tyler takes a second to think about it. It kinda makes sense, though he’s pretty sure he could never find the combination of Josh and sex annoying.

‘Well, you don’t need much to put me in the mood, so feel free to call me anytime the need arises,’ Tyler suggests. There’s a quick giggle on the line. ‘Just text me before so I can find some privacy.’

‘Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Hope your parents don’t find you out,’ Josh apologizes, but there’s a darkness in his voice that Tyler quickly recognizes.

‘My ass you hope that. I can see right through your little exhibitionist kink, you know that?’ Tyler asks through laughter. Josh joins with a light chuckle of his own.

‘I’m that obvious, huh?’ Josh asks. If there is any shame in his voice, Tyler doesn’t hear it.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Tyler confirms. ‘Too bad we’re moving in together soon. No more hiding in the bathrooms.’

‘Oh, I don’t know, OSU is a large school, I’m sure we’ll be able to find an empty classroom between our lectures,’ Josh proposes, the tinge of lust in his voice showing that this is a promise as much as it’s a joke.

‘I’m counting on that,’ Tyler answers in an equally teasing manner. ‘But I really need to check in with my parents now. Even if they haven’t heard my banging on the door they’re definitely getting suspicious by now.’

‘Tell them I say hi,’ Josh jokes and Tyler laughs along.

‘Will do. See you on Friday,’ Tyler promises and terminates the call. Friday. The day that will shape their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one more chapter to go (coming this Monday). Hope you like the story. I got carried away with smut in these last few chapters, sorry if anyone finds that annoying.


	14. Whether near or far, I am always yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh takes the exams that will determine his and Tyler's future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from The End Of All Things by Panic! At The Disco.
> 
> I know that the whole 'do these exams and we'll let you enroll past the application deadline' is bullshit. IRL, it'd never happen. Also, I generally have no idea how American school system works, so I took some liberties to fit it to the story. Sorry if it breaks immersion.

Tyler is pacing nervously up and down the hallway, his footsteps echoing through the empty building. There’s a ding from his phone and he stops. A text from Brendon.

‘any news ?’

Tyler almost pockets the phone, he’s too nervous to answer, but then he types our a quick ‘not yet’ and continues pacing. Josh should be done with his exams any minute now. He’s had a short break before, not long enough to properly talk with Tyler before he was ushered back inside to take the second exam. So Tyler’s been left to think. He tried to distract himself with his phone, but it only worked for an hour before he got too nervous for social media and YouTube and started pacing down the hallway.

Worry and excitement are raging inside of Tyler, tinging his every thought and making his head hurt. Tyler can picture Josh coming out of that room, a smile on his face, saying ‘It was a breeze, let’s start packing for Ohio’. His heart swells at that image and he can’t fight the smile that creeps up on his face. But then he thinks of the alternative…

He’s been avoiding thinking about that. They’ve bought two plane tickets for Columbus, but he knows full well that they might only end up using one. He hasn’t talked to Josh about it. Maybe he should’ve, but ignorance is bliss. Their relationship feels stronger now than it did before the fight. He knows that if plans were to come crushing down, they’d figure it out. Or he hopes he knows that. He hopes that even if Josh has to stay, they’ll reunite someday. They’ll visit as often as they can. Long distance sucks, but they’re strong enough to get through it. Or are they?

Truth be told, even if Josh aces his exams (which he will, Tyler tells himself), they’ve put a lot of faith in each other. They’ve only known each other for a short time and moving across the country together is no easy feat. Tyler just hopes they’re strong enough. Because at some point, an obstacle is going to stand in their way and Tyler won’t be able to run home to his family. Josh is becoming his home now, for better or for worse.

Tyler sighs. There’s nothing he can do, but hope. They’re sending their relationship to a battlefield and hoping it survives.

Doors open behind Tyler and all his thoughts and allegories dissipate at the sight of his boyfriend in the hallway. Josh’s expression is serious, a bit tired, but not giving anything away. It’s not the smile that Tyler was looking forward to, but it’s not the look of disappointment he feared either.

‘How’d it go?’ Tyler asks with a strain in his voice from not talking for a while.

‘I don’t know. Well enough, hopefully. But I can’t be certain. I’d rather not think about it,’ Josh sums up. He smiles at Tyler, but there’s no fire behind the smile.

‘I’m sure you’ll pass,’ Tyler reassures both of them. Josh murmurs absentmindedly, clearly not so confident himself. Tyler doesn’t push it. He steps up to Josh and slowly caresses his cheek. They look into each other’s eyes for a few seconds, not even smiling, just looking. Josh looks numb, his eyes glazed over, whether from concentration or tiredness, Tyler can’t tell. Josh leans forward, joining their lips in a long, but chaste kiss, barely moving, but conveying emotions nonetheless.

‘They told me to wait here. They’re going to grade my exams now and then review them with me,’ Josh explains after they part. He sits down on a bench and Tyler follows suit.

‘So we find out today,’ Tyler concludes. They both know what he’s talking about. Josh hums a confirmatory sound. Tyler can see he’s not in a talking mood, but there’s one thing he must make clear.

‘Just so you know, I’m not blaming you if you fail the exams. You did everything you could. If anyone’s fucked up, it’s me. I did nothing to help our relationship. I just caused the problems and now you’re the one having to fix them,’ Tyler clarifies. He can see Josh shake his head and look at him.

‘Don’t say that,’ Josh refutes. ‘There are no problems to fix. There are just two possible futures in front of us and I’m hoping I’m living in the parallel universe where I get to pass these exams. I’m not angry, I’m just nervous.’

Tyler closes his eyes at that. Of course Josh would find the perfect words to turn the blame away from Tyler. Emotions overflow Tyler’s mind when he thinks about the future.

‘Why are you so perfect?’ Tyler whispers, more to himself than to Josh. He can hear Josh huff beside him and a quiet ‘I’m not.’ They sit in the silence for a while before Tyler asks the question that’s been gnawing at him for a while.

‘Josh, what do we do if, you know?’

Tyler can’t even bring myself to say it.

‘If I fail?’ Josh clarifies. It’s not the wording Tyler would chose, but he nods anyway.

‘I drop out and we go anyway,’ Josh states. Tyler’s mind stops in its tracks. He looks at Josh, but Josh seems completely serious.

‘Josh...’

It’s all Tyler can say. He’s in shock. He can’t let Josh do that.

‘Don’t argue, Tyler. I’ve made up my mind. I love you and I’m not going to let anything stand between us,’ Josh explains. He seems so sure, like he’s got it all figured out and has fully accepted his decision. But this time Tyler can’t just let Josh give everything up for them.

‘No,’ Tyler counters, more forcefully than he intended. He can see Josh turn to look at him, a hint of hurt in his eyes.

‘I want you to come with me, more than you could ever know. But you’re not giving up your education for me. I could never forgive myself. You’ve worked so hard to get here, you love psychology,’ Tyler argues. He can see the determination in Josh’s eyes dissipate and doubt grow in its place.

‘I love you more,’ Josh contradicts, but Tyler shakes his head.

‘It’s not about that. I know you love me and you’ve proven that time and time again. But you can love me by staying in college and following your dream. We’ll figure it out. But you can’t drop out,’ Tyler protests. He’s done with Josh taking falls for him.

‘Tyler, I won’t let you go to Ohio by yourself,’ Josh shakes his head. There is desperation in his voice, as if the very idea of not being with Tyler is filling him up with dread. But Tyler’s determined now.

‘Then I stay here. That’s the reason we’re in this mess anyway. My refusal to change my plans. My fear of every minor inconvenience. Not this time. You’re done making sacrifices for our relationship,’ Tyler insists. He can see Josh is about to protest, but then the doors of the exam room open.

‘Mister Dun, if you could join us for your review of Psychology of Adjustment, please,’ an older lady calls for Josh. She’s smiling politely, but her face is giving nothing away. ‘Your Behavioral Neuroscience exam is still being graded. We will review it after Psychology of Adjustment.’

Josh gulps, the nerves clearly catching up with him again. He nods and stands up to follow his teacher inside. Tyler debates whether he should say anything, but in the end he just can’t help asking.

‘Did he pass?’ Tyler blurts. The lady, already halfway through closing the doors opens them up again and smiles at Tyler.

‘He did. At least Psychology of Adjustment,’ she confirms and closes the door. Tyler’s face breaks into a wide smile and relief washes over him. It doesn’t mean much, Josh needs to pass both exams, but at least it’s some good news. Tyler has no idea how long the review will last, but he needs a distraction. Now that the answer is right in front of them the nerves are becoming almost unbearable.

Tyler dials Brendon’s number. It takes him unusually long to pick up, or at least so it seems to Tyler.

‘Hey, so how’d it go?’ Brendon answers the phone. He sounds happy and excited and his good mood immediately eases Tyler.

‘He passed one of them, but I don’t know about the other yet,’ Tyler updates.

‘That’s good. Halfway there,’ Brendon beams. Tyler smiles at his infectious optimism.

‘Hey, listen. If Josh can’t go… I’m staying here,’ Tyler announces. It feels weirdly good to say it out loud. It feels right, like he’s finally got his priorities straight.

‘I see,’ Brendon says, the optimism gone from his voice now, though he doesn’t sound angry. ‘I understand. Just promise me you’ll both come visit.’

‘Of course,’ Tyler promises. He misses Brendon way too much not to. The thought of going back to Ohio soon is the only thing holding him back from jumping on a plane and flying there right now.

‘It doesn’t really matter, though. Because Josh will ace his exams and you’ll both be here in two weeks,’ Brendon dissipates the serious atmosphere with his boundless optimism again.

‘God, I hope so,’ Tyler agrees. ‘Anyway, how’s the search for a new roomie going?’

Tyler and Josh have found a cute little apartment near the campus. It’s not cheap, but Josh has some of his ice-cream money saved and they’ll try to find jobs to cover for it. Brendon is looking for a new roommate now. He wasn’t too sad about it when Tyler broke the news to him. He’s always been keen on getting to know new people.

‘This guy came to check it out. He loved it, but then I showed him my room and he saw my pride flag. He immediately turned around and left. Said there’s no way he’s living with a fag,’ Brendon explains, using a mocking deep voice to imitate the guy in question.

‘Wow, that’s rude,’ Tyler comments. Brendon’s little story infuriates him, but at least it’s distracting him from the present.

‘Why do people like that still exist. I thought we’ve grown over this as a society,’ Brendon ends his rant with a sigh. ‘But I’m sure I’ll find someone. I mean, who wouldn’t want to live with me?’

Tyler huffs at Brendon’s confidence.

‘Of course you’ll find someone. The amount of times you brought strangers home for the night, one’s bound to stay,’ Tyler comments. Brendon laughs on the other side of the line. Truth be told, Brendon hasn’t slept with that many people, but none of them stuck around, so it became a sort of a running joke between them.

‘Oh, yeah, maybe I should ask Jon if he wants to move in. I should still have his number,’ Brendon exclaims. Tyler thinks he can remember Jon. The nice stubbly bloke that Brendon spent the night in May.

‘Brendon, don’t!’ Tyler warns, playing into the joke.

‘Meh, he was a good fuck, but not really my type,’ Brendon concludes. ‘By the way, how’s Ryan?’

Tyler smiles. He’s been expecting that question.

‘Why don’t you call him?’ Tyler answers with a question. ‘I know you have his number.’

Brendon sighs.

‘You don’t understand. He said I should give him...’

‘Space. I know,’ Tyler finishes for him. ‘But it’s been a while. I’m sure Ryan will be fine with you calling him now. Just don’t push him. Be his friend. If it’s meant to happen, it will.’

Brendon groans and for the first time in their friendship Tyler can hear a tinge of nervousness in his voice.

‘I don’t know. I don’t want to fuck it up,’ Brendon whines and Tyler almost laughs because it’s so out of character for the always confident and optimistic Brendon.

‘Wow, he’s still got you bad, doesn’t he?’ Tyler asks, the idea of Brendon so hopelessly in love making him smile.

‘Don’t mock me,’ Brendon protests, but there’s no ire behind his voice, just a hint of shame. It makes Tyler giggle. For all his sexual conquests, Brendon seems so small in the shadow of love.

‘I’m not. But it’s cute,’ Tyler says. Brendon huffs dismissively and just as he’s about to say something, Tyler gets an idea.

‘Look, today is the day for fate,’ Tyler proposes. ‘Me and Josh find out whether we go to Ohio or not and you – you can call up Ryan and clear things up on that front. We can catch up later and either celebrate or vent to each other.’

There are a few seconds of pause before Brendon sighs.

‘It’s a plan, then. We’re both getting out fates sealed today,’ Brendon agrees, nervousness clear in his voice now.

‘Great. Now go get your man and I’ll wait for mine,’ Tyler exclaims happily. They say goodbye and Tyler returns to his waiting. It’s easier now, though, when he’s distracted by thinking about Brendon and Ryan. They’d really make a cute if somewhat unexpected couple.

It doesn’t take long then for Josh to come through the door. Tyler immediately bolts upright. Before he gets a chance to ask, Josh beams at him.

‘We’re going to Ohio!’ Josh exclaims. Tyler doesn’t hesitate, runs up to Josh and pulls him into a tight hug, resting his chin on Josh’s shoulder.

‘You did it,’ Tyler says in relief. It’s like the weight has been lifted and he feels the joy creep into every corner of his body. Tears sting in his eyes. He can’t remember the last time he cried of happiness.

‘Barely,’ Josh laughs, but Tyler just shakes his head.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Tyler dismisses Josh’s comment. They stay there in their embrace for a while. Neither of them takes note of the time. They’re just basking in each other’s closeness, in the promise of the future together.

A tiredness washes over Tyler and he feels like he could just dose off in Josh’s arms. He wants to just go back to Josh’s apartment and fall asleep, but his mom has prepared a lunch for the both of them and Josh’s family. Tyler doesn’t blame her. They’ll be leaving soon and she wants to get to know the man her son will be living with.

‘I’m so proud of you,’ Tyler whispers. Josh squeezes him harder before letting go of the hug.

‘I’m just glad it’s over,’ Josh sighs. He’s visibly tired, the constant studying taking a toll on him. Josh’s hand lingers on Tyler’s cheek. He smiles, a simple, happy smile.

‘Let’s get out of here,’ Josh prompts and takes Tyler’s hand in his own. ‘Mrs. Feuer will forward the results to Ohio and I should get my acceptance e-mail in a few days.’

They leave the Psychology building of UCF. Josh looks around with a bittersweet smile on his face.

‘I’m gonna miss this place,’ he comments. Tyler spins around to take in the view. It’s a nice campus. Obviously new and modern, tailored to every need a student might have. But that’s not what Josh means. It’s become a second home for Josh in his time here.

‘I’m sorry,’ Tyler says, though he already knows he’ll get scolded for apologizing. But it is his fault Josh is leaving all this behind.

‘Don’t you ever think it’s not worth it. I’ll never regret this decision,’ Josh attests. He sounds so sure of it.

‘Me neither,’ Tyler returns. In a way Tyler feels these words are stronger than any ‘I love you’s they may have exchanged. It’s not a romantic love proclamation. It’s a conscious decision to put one another first.

\---

’Maddy, would you be so kind and call Jordan and Zack in for dessert?’ Kelly asks her daughter politely. Everyone’s on their best behavior now that the Duns are here, in contrast to the panic that the Joseph household was in just before they arrived because Chris overcooked the casserole and Kelly had a mental breakdown over the lack of identical cutlery.

‘Of course,’ Maddy says with a wide smile and runs outside where Jordan and Zack are shooting hoops. It seems Zack has finally found someone to share his love of basketball with.

‘Well, I’ve made a special treat for us all,’ Tyler’s mother announces and leaves for the kitchen. She seems genuinely excited to have people over. She’s been talking to Laura all afternoon, discussing Florida and cooking. Chris has been much less talkative. He doesn’t seem upset, but it looks like the whole ‘lunch with your son’s boyfriend’s family’ is a bit much for him. Tyler doesn’t blame him. Over the past few days Chris has been clear on letting Tyler know he doesn’t like the idea of him and Josh living together, but he’s not going to stand in their way. For now, his acceptance is enough for Tyler.

Kelly comes back from the kitchen with a large chocolate cake with ‘Congratulations’ written on it in slightly wonky writing. Tyler smiles at his mom and helps her put the cake on the table.

‘Wow, Mrs. Joseph, you didn’t have to,’ Josh gushes.

‘Oh, it was no biggie. We can’t have a celebration without cake,’ Kelly dismisses Josh and hands him the knife to make the first cut. Maddy, Jordan and Zack join them at the table, the boys a bit sweaty from the basketball.

‘It’s lovely, but I really shouldn’t,’ Laura chimes in as Josh starts passing plates with cake around. ‘I’m full as it is.’

‘Oh, come now, just a little tinsy piece,’ Kelly insists and hands her a plate. Laura sighs and caves in, the cake looking too delicious to pass.

‘You know what would go well with cake?’ Bill asks then, clearly a rhetorical question. Everyone looks at him expectantly. Throughout the evening, Bill has engaged in some polite conversations, but he always defused the tension and turned them into funny stories and jokes. As cringy as they were sometimes, they brought a well-needed lightheartedness to the table and Tyler was grateful for that.

‘Ice-cream!’ Bill exclaims with the unfiltered joy of a kid on Christmas morning. He’s mentioned ice-cream quite a lot this afternoon, Tyler recalls. He’s clearly passionate about his craft.

Jordan ‘woo’s and offers to go get the ice cream that the Duns apparently brought with them. He runs out the door and returns two minutes later with a large cool box. He opens it and starts unloading tubs of ice cream. Bill beams at the rest of the table.

‘Wow, you really shouldn’t have,’ Kelly comments when she sees the amount of ice-cream the Duns brought.

‘It’s the least we could do since you so generously invited us to lunch. And I must say, Tyler, I’m so glad our Josh has found someone as kind and pleasant as you,’ Laura says, taking the opportunity of relative silence around the room. She smiles at Tyler, as does Bill. It’s a genuine and warm smile, so unlike the cold acceptance his parents have given Josh, but he can’t change that now. He blushes from the attention.

‘Thank you. I very much hope I can make your son as happy as he makes me,’ Tyler says with a small bow. It’s one of the most awkward things he’s ever done, but it gets a hearty chuckle out of Bill and Laura and even Chris cracks a smile.

‘Of course you do, dummy,’ Josh says behind him and caresses the back of his neck. It’s supposed to be an affectionate gesture, but Josh has just been fiddling with the ice-cream tubs and his hands are so cold they make Tyler jump. Everyone laughs, breaking the sheet of seriousness that has covered the table for a minute.

Josh starts uncovering the ice-cream tubs, revealing different colors and flavors. It all looks delicious. Kelly produces an ice-cream scoop and a stack of bowls from the kitchen and soon everyone sits with a plate of cake and a bowl of ice-cream, only occasional content hums breaking the silence as they all enjoy their desert.

Josh takes a spoonful of ice-cream and offers it to Tyler. It’s light green with black speckles. Mint chocolate chip. Tyler smiles and shakes his head. Josh giggles and his tongue peaks out of his mouth as he does so. It’s that smile Tyler adores so much and it takes every ounce of his self-control to not lean in and kiss Josh. So he takes the spoon in his mouth and saves the taste in his memory. It’s the taste he’ll always associate with Josh and first love.

They just finish eating when Tyler’s phone buzzes. It’s a text from Brendon.

‘thats gr8! sooo happy for u! cant wait for you to come bacck!!!’

Tyler huffs. He’s tried calling Brendon as soon as they left UCF, but the phone line was busy, he was probably talking to Ryan. So Tyler sent him a text saying that Josh passed his exams and that they’ll be coming to Ohio soon. Brendon replied. More than three hours later. And Brendon’s not the type to keep you hanging on read.

‘Can’t wait to go back! Sooooo… how’d it go with Ryan?’ Tyler texts back.

‘I called him and we talked for a while it was nice’

‘For a while… You mean three hours?’

‘maybe ;P’

Tyler smiles to himself. He doesn’t want to dig further. Some things are meant to be private.

The celebrations wind down and the Duns get ready to leave. Josh is going with them to spend a few days with his family before he starts packing for Ohio. As much as Tyler just wants to be with Josh now, he understands. They’ll have all the time in the world for each other in just two weeks.

When they say their goodbyes, Tyler quickly pecks Josh on the lips. He’s wary of any sort of PDA around his father, but he feels adventurous enough to steal a quick kiss. After all, his father will need to get used to the idea at some point.

He feels weirdly empty when the car leaves the driveway, like a piece of him left with them. But he knows he can’t mope around. He needs to put on a smile and enjoy the time he has with his family, so he returns to the dining room and starts stacking plates.

‘I’m so happy for you, Ty,’ his mother tells him when he enters the kitchen. She hasn’t really had a chance to talk to him in private since the exams. Tyler smiles at her. She hasn’t called him Ty since he was a kid. It’s a good sign that she still sees him as her kid now that he’s out to her.

‘Thank you. I hope dad isn’t too upset by how things turned out,’ Tyler adds. His mother and Zack tried very hard these last few days to make Tyler feel as welcome as possible, but a tension fell over the room whenever Chris entered, that even she couldn’t fully defuse.

‘He’ll turn around. He just needs time. He can see you’re happy with Josh and that’s what’s important to him, he just needs to get used to it,’ Tyler’s mom explains. Tyler nods. He knows she’s right, but it still makes him feel pathetic, like he’s disappointed his father somehow.

‘I know,’ Tyler acknowledges. ‘I’m glad I told you, though. I can’t imagine having to keep Josh from you guys any longer.’

‘I’m so glad you told us. And just so you know, if I cry at the airport, it’s because I’m going to miss you, not because I don’t want you to go,’ Kelly smiles at Tyler. It’s a tired smile, but it’s genuine and Tyler can’t help smiling back.

\---

The airport is crowded. People are returning from their vacations, families, businessmen, tourists and lovers, some running to catch their planes, some bored of waiting. And some crying.

‘Oh, honey, did you take your winter coat? It’s going to get cold soon in Ohio,’ Tyler’s mother asks through tears.

‘Yes, mom it’s all in here,’ Tyler motions to the giant suitcase on his right.

‘There are shops in Ohio. And he’s returning for Thanksgiving,’ Tyler’s father comments, trying to calm his wife down. Kelly smiles and hugs Tyler tightly.

‘I love you, Ty,’ his mother whispers.

‘Love you too, mom,’ Tyler whispers back. Tears are stinging his eyes now too. He knows he’s going to be okay. He’s taking a part of home with him in the form of Josh, who’s currently saying goodbye to his mom as well. But it doesn’t mean he’s not gonna miss his family like crazy.

Tyler hugs his siblings. Jay is still a bit groggy from the early hour, not really fully grasping that Tyler is leaving for a long time. Maddy gives Tyler a big squeeze, murmuring ‘I’ma miss you’, as if she’s ashamed of anyone hearing she actually likes her brother. Zack hugs Tyler tightly. Tyler’s gonna miss him most.

‘Sorry I didn’t play much basketball this summer,’ Tyler jokes. Zack gives him a somewhat sad smile.

‘It’s okay. You were busy. I’m gonna be over my head in basketball once I join the Knights,’ Zack answers and gives Tyler another hug.

Tyler looks at Chris awkwardly. He’s not sure where he stand with his father, but then Chris moves in for a quick hug and that’s more than he dared hope for.

‘Safe trip,’ Chris wishes Tyler. ‘Hope the future is bright for you, son.’

‘Thank you,’ Tyler says. Then he closes his eyes and quietly adds: ‘I’m sorry.’

Chris shakes his head. For the first time, Tyler sees a pang of guilt in his eyes.

‘Don’t apologize. You deserve to be happy and if Josh makes you happy, you should be with him,’ Chris declares, looking at Tyler with an encouraging smile. The tears that were threatening to fall finally wet Tyler’s cheeks and a heaviness lifts from Tyler’s chest.

‘Thank you. That means a lot,’ Tyler says and wipes the tears away. Josh joins him by his side and squeezes his shoulder. Tyler doesn’t know if he’s heard the exchange, but he finds comfort in the gesture anyway. He’s vaguely aware that he’s crying in a public space, but he’s sure this airport has seen much worse. His mother hands him a tissue and he gratefully takes it.

Once he’s presentable, he turns to the Duns. He briefly hugs Jordan and Abigail, both of them wishing him all the best. Bill shakes his hand and beams at him and Laura gives him a tight squeeze. Josh takes his time to say goodbye to the Joseph’s as well, shaking hands with Chris, which as Tyler recalls is the first physical contact between the two of them.

‘Say hi to Pegasus for me,’ Josh says to Zack, referencing the Knights’ mascot horse.

‘Will do,’ Zack promises. Josh looks around and nods to Tyler. It’s time.

‘I promise I’ll call as soon as we land. And I’ll see you all on Thanksgiving,’ Tyler says and picks up his suitcase. A wave of ‘have fun’s and ‘see you soon’s s hits him and Josh as they step in the line for check-in.

Tyler lets the process of check-in take over his mind for a while. When they get to the correct gate, they still have an hour and a half until take-off. Tyler can see an array of planes through the waiting room window. One of them might be theirs. It’s then that he realizes he’s nervous.

Tyler remembers Manta, the roller-coaster in SeaWorld. He was so nervous then. It was the idea of Josh being with him that made him board that train. He’s nervous for a whole different reason now. The decisions he’s been making lately are so big compared to what he’s used to. He always had his parents right behind him, advising him on every step of the way. Even when he was in college, he was so close to home that it didn’t feel like he was away. However deep his love for Josh is and however sure this step feels, it makes him feel nervous and excited, like he’s at the top of the roller-coaster, waiting for the drop. I guess that’s what growing up feels like, Tyler thinks and smiles through the window.

‘Is everything okay?’ Josh asks from a nearby seat. Tyler nods.

‘I was just thinking,’ he explains. ‘So much is changing in my life.’

Josh stands up and moves to Tyler’s side. He gently puts his arm around Tyler’s waist and rests his head on Tyler’s shoulder. Tyler nuzzles his cheek into Josh’s hair.

‘I’m always here for you. If things get hard, you come to me. If you don’t feel sure, you talk to me. We have each other,’ Josh speaks soothingly. Tyler wants to just turn and shower him with kisses and cuddle until they both fall asleep. But, alas, they are at an airport, so his plans are going to need to wait for a few hours.

‘We have each other,’ Tyler repeats. It’s a mantra that makes his racing heart slow down and anxiety subside. Whatever happens, they have each other.

Tyler and Josh settle on the chairs of the waiting room that’s slowly beginning to fill up. They’re just relaxing and listening to music when Brendon calls Tyler.

‘You’re still at the airport. Good. I need your opinion,’ Brendon starts. It sounds urgent, but with Brendon you never know. He could be calling because he can’t choose between Lucky Charms and Cap’n Crunch.

‘Yeah, still here. Shoot,’ Tyler prompts. He’s got time to kill anyway.

‘So about my roommate. I’ve got two potential candidates that I can’t choose between,’ Brendon explains and Tyler hums affirmatively.

‘Profile no. 1: this hot blond British musician. Accent: 10 out of 10, no complaints there. Hair: 8 out of 10, could use a better hairdresser, but damn that blond curls of his. Fashion sense: gay out of 10. I mean, he says he’s ‘not gay’ and ‘not looking for anyone’ and ‘married to his music’, so I’m not gonna push it, but those neon green pants of his sure didn’t scream straight to me. He has no problems having a gay roommate, though,’ Brendon describes his first candidate. Tyler sighs. Of course Brendon asked his potential roommate about his love life.

‘Sounds good. You could talk about music a lot and British accent is always a plus. Who’s the second one?’ Tyler comments. So far the first candidate doesn’t sound half-bad.

‘Get this. It’s a girl. She’s lesbian, though. Had to make sure I don’t have her crushing on me when she gets to know all my charm. She’s got this cute pixie cut and she’s studying Gender Studies. We clicked immediately, she seems fun. But then again, if I go with her I’m missing out on my chance to get a hold on the British guy,’ Brendon voices his concerns. Tyler isn’t really paying attention anymore, though, because there’s a guy, running frantically through the waiting area toward them.

‘Hold that thought. Call you back,’ Tyler says and terminates the call on Brendon, who’s about to protest.

‘I thought I was going to miss the flight,’ Ryan exhales, out of breath from all the running.

‘Ryan?’ Josh asks, yanking the earplugs out of his ears. Tyler and Josh both look at Ryan in confusion.

‘I’m going to Ohio, too,’ Ryan says, as if that explains everything. ‘My mother’s carer and I both agree my mom needs a new start start someplace else. The carer, Mrs. Sophie, suggested we leave Florida altogether and I thought of Ohio. I’m going to try to settle and start looking for a job. Mrs. Sophie and my mom are coming after me in a few days. I...’

Ryan stops for a second. Tyler and Josh wait for him to continue. This all seems out of the blue.

‘I can’t pretend Brendon doesn’t have anything to do with that decision. We’ve talked every day for these last two weeks. For hours, sometimes. He’s helped me come to terms with my mom’s condition, with my sexuality, my father’s death. When we talk, I just feel happier. And I feel this need to just be with him,’ Ryan explains further, a blush creeping up his cheeks. ‘He doesn’t know I’m coming. I don’t even know if he wants me there. I’m perfectly fine finding my own place. But I was afraid that if I tell him how I feel, I’d get scared and decide to not go.’

Tyler’s mind is racing from shock and excitement. Ryan was the last thing he’s expected at the airport. When they said goodbye two days ago, Ryan was restless and fidgety, but Tyler didn’t think much about it. Ryan had a lot going on in his life and more than enough reason to be anxious. But this is for sure a pleasant surprise.

‘Are you kidding me? Brendon’s going to freak when you show up at his doorstep,’ Tyler beams. He’d give everything to see Brendon’s reaction.

‘That’s great, Ry! We need to hang out more,’ Josh shakes his head. He’s smiling widely, clearly happy about the turn of events. Sometimes Tyler forgets that Josh and Ryan actually knew each other before they met him.

‘Well, there’s this lake house...’ Tyler starts and wiggles his eyebrows.

‘Of course there is,’ Josh laughs. Ryan smiles for the first time since he got to them and Tyler realizes how nerve-wrecking this must be for Ryan. He thinks back to the nerves he felt when he texted Josh about the number on the napkin. And he thinks about where they are now. Falling in love is beautiful, sure, but damn if it isn’t one of the most stressful things that can happen to you.

‘Gate 31, flight NK 143, Spirit Airlines, Orlando, Florida to Columbus, Ohio, will start boarding soon. Please, form a queue to board the plane. Priority boarding queue is on the right hand-site of the regular boarding queue.’

The boarding announcement sounds through the speakers and brings the boys back to reality. And for once, Tyler realizes, he doesn’t want to escape the reality, he wants to live it. Outside, a plane takes off, taking its passengers away from the past and into the future. Tyler steps to the end of the line. Soon he’ll board his own plane to the future. And what a bright future that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we've come to the end of the journey. If you've read so far, thank you for the support and hope you enjoyed it. Any sort of feedback is very, very welcome. I'd also be happy to write some one-shots or shorter stories set in this universe if there's anything you'd like to read, just let me know.
> 
> Again, thank you so much for reading and coming on this journey with me. This has been a lot of fun to write and though I might've hated it at moments, I'm proud of what's come of it.


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